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Rise and Fall of the Russian Mullet

Greek in origin, reprised in the backwoods of Texarkana – the mullet is one of history’s most ridiculous haircuts; a haircut that penetrated the heart of Mother Russia in the early 90’s, sputtered out, lain dormant until one Moscovite’s solo-revival. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Roam About Productions is proud to present the harrowing tale of a man’s downward spiral into ludicrousness, homelessness, and ‘party-in-the-back’ permanence; I give you, ‘The Mulletsky’.

I’m a little tea pot short and stout, here is my mullet, here is my spout.

Yuric Spitalsky grew up in a small, rural province just east of Moscow called – Yitittyitskow- which means ‘milk of the house cat’. Yuric’s childhood was that of any Russian boy; working 3rd shift at the factory, smoking, and playing pretend video games.

His favorite TVs shows, picked up via the massive electrical towers by his house, were ‘Full House’ and ‘MacGuyver’, and even without the pictures below, you can get a general sense of where this piece is going (aside from nowhere).

I can open doors with my gaze.

Have mercy.

His favorite sports figures were Jaromir Jagr, Bernie Kosar, and Jose Canseco. Or, as his alcoholic father called them: Larry, Jeri-Curly, and Fro.

Mullet count so far: 7

Yuric lived in the dark shadow of his older brother Stash (pronounced: S- tahsh) who was very, very handsome. So handsome in fact, he competed in many national man-beauty contests, winning all of them. He won ribbons, rubles, trophies, and the affections of a nation – especially those of the Spitalsky family.

So much did Mother Russia love Yuric, every young male began cutting their skull fur into a Mulletsky.

After a particularly big man-beauty pageant victory, when Stash won hundreds of rubles, and a modeling contract for ‘Toil Weekly’ Magazine, the family started referring to Yuric as ‘Not Stash’.

One day, while working the fields, Stash’s victory sash (pictured above) got caught in the till of a tractor, catching his precious quaff, and dragging him into the teeth of the gears. The tractor unexplainably burst into flames, exploded, and sent a fireball so high above the Earth, it was seen from space by NASA, almost rekindling (ahem) the Cold War.

Stash didn’t die, was oddly unscathed, but the fire rid him of his beautiful body hair, and from then on he resembled Powder, from the movie ‘Powder’.

The family was devastated – the nation mourned. Stash plunged into a wicked depression, rarely speaking, staring at the walls for days, and generally just creeping everyone the fuck out. Mullets were cut – a sort of flags at half-mast thing, but with hair.

Yuric, always the slow learner, perhaps due to living so close to the electrical towers, viewed this as his opportunity to become the Spitalsky trophy child, beginning to grow his hair as a mullet.

Shunned by his family – his mousy mulletsky was nothing compared to his big brother’s demigod-esque mane. In public, Mother Spitalsky refused to hold Yuric’s hand, praying for a random act of child abduction.

Yuric – Mommy, hold my hand.     Mommy – Nyet

Yuric grew up fast, and lonely. He retained his whisp of a mullet against the opposition of his family. He had a friend, for a day:

Friend “Yuric, my very new friend, why do you wear your hair so strangely?”

Yuric – ” Tis not the hair of the nation?”

Friend – “No, that hairstyle went out years ago. The point being, your mulletsky is….subpar. And why are you wearing a purse?”

Yuric – “My hair suffices as subpar, if by subpar you mean awesome. Tis not a purse, tis a..well, yes, it’s a purse….Wait! why are you running away, only friend?”

Man purse

Yuric roiled internally. His family kicked him out of the house, he lost his only friend. He spent his free time roaming the Kremlin in Moscow, taking self portraits for his pretend profile on Russian Myspace.

Say, “Government Cheese”

Yuric hitched a ride to Saint Petersburg, and became a tour guide. He soon quit after receiving the “Employee most likely to molest” award for September.

Maps to the Tsars

Present Day (1o years later)

Yuric spiraled into the lonely world of the mullahawk – a depression induced mutation of his former do – a red dyed mullet/mohawk combo. Red being the color of his collective embarrassments, anger. Lacking the ability to grow facial hair, unlike his brother Stash, Yuric had to buy an upper-lip wig fashioned to that of a mustache.

The picture below was taken just before Yuric was pummeled to death by the woman in the powdered wig, attempting to abduct her via ‘boat trip’, which is actually the white van they’re standing in front up.

boat trips…of death

Like most Russian stories, this was one of tragedy, sadness, yet, slightly dark and humorous, BUT,  if the moral saves one Russian or American or Papua New Guinean, or any nationality from leaving a follicle cascade in the back whilst rocking a shorn front, then my humanitarian duties for the year have been met. Don’t drink and mullet. – Mike

Total mullet Count: 13

25 Comments Post a comment
  1. LMBO!!! What a funny read for the morning!

    July 27, 2012
  2. My girlfriend and I take pictures of mullets…this may be your masterpiece!

    July 27, 2012
    • Glad I’m not alone in the mullet hunt. I smell a book collaboration…

      July 27, 2012
  3. Hilarious, Mike. What a glorious display, celebration and storyhood of mullets. John Stamos, though, he can rock a mullet.

    July 27, 2012
  4. I still think that they are horrible in retrospect, but at the time both John Stamos and MacGuyver looked just dandy!

    July 27, 2012
    • haha! A second set of thumbs up for Uncle Jesse!

      July 27, 2012
  5. Damn. That’s some funny stuff right there.

    July 27, 2012
    • Thank you, Kathy V. I’m banned from Russia after this post.

      July 27, 2012
  6. kost-a-saurus #

    bernie… i never knew. no wait…. yeah I did.

    July 27, 2012
  7. Excellent. In so many ways.

    July 27, 2012
    • Especially in a hairy way. Thanks, Christine!

      July 29, 2012
  8. you are a business in the front, party in the back pile of funny shit randomness.

    July 27, 2012
    • That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

      July 29, 2012
  9. free penny press #

    Haha.. the mullet needed to be shot on sight at the beginning to put us all out of our misery.. too funny..The mullahawk? priceless!!!

    July 28, 2012
    • I was thinking about growing it out like Uncle Jesse, just to really find the motivation for the piece, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

      July 29, 2012
  10. Love! Especially the opening paragraph. And the thought of you collecting mullet pics for years before composing this post. Or maybe you were in Russia and got them all in one go… BTW, a few of the pics aren’t showing up, at least on my computer (man purse, and the one just before the explosion).

    July 30, 2012
    • Thank you very much.
      These were all taken on the same trip, in Russia. Turned out that the Gentlemen I captured had similar physical appearance.

      Pics are fine on my side. Not sure what’s up….

      July 30, 2012
  11. jan #

    very funny but I must say,
    interesting name choice you used. hmmm!

    July 30, 2012
  12. this is so funny. ;) i saw an old brad pitt pic before with mullet hairdo and charlie sheen also, i guess… dang, that’s too familiar. there really was a time when many considered that cool. yes. i think there are still mtvs (flashback) with singers who sported that hair plus the white suit – am i right or am i right? ;) and am reminded of Mr. T., by the way… you hit right on. thanks. ^^

    August 1, 2012
    • I really hope the mullet doesn’t come back. It’s one fashion fad that needs to stay dead.
      Haha, thanks! I love Mr. T….

      August 2, 2012
  13. You are making my morning!

    August 3, 2012

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