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Why do you hate me, The People’s Republic of China?

There’s an emptiness, a gaping void where your orange-colored country should be on my WordPress readership stat map.

Views from China: 0

Karate chop to the guts.

Bruised spleen.

Ugh.

Goose egg.

Nil.

Ling.

Not one single person from mainland China has checked out this blog. A massive well of a 1.4 billion potential readers – twenty-percent of the Earth’s population – has me on ignore. Why, China? Why don’t you love me?

You’ve been atop my travel list for over a decade – I love your culture/history/food. Just last Saturday, I sat in a cozy booth at Helen’s Asian Kitchen here in Columbus, eating delicious xiaolongbao (soup buns), topped with hellish Szechuan peppers washed down with a Tsingtao, yucking it up with my pals Yao Ming and Jackie Chan, listening to Wing sing MJ’s ‘Beat It’, watching John Woo’s ‘FaceOff’ at the bar TV, wearing my Chinese-made Nike Frees and Qing Dynasty Dragon robe, reading my Zodiac:

Monkey – highly intelligent and creative (yes and yes), handsome (do tell), easily distracted (huh?), throws feces (never drinking tequila again), able to influence people….

I thought this latter piece was true, but alas, China, you’re the exception to the rule. Even your brethren Hong Kong, and Macau like me! Macau! Macau! Like a crow calling to you in the night. ReadMe ReadMe!

I googled ‘Why does China Hate Roam About Mike’ and found this picture. An ex-military vagabond giving a thumbs down.

That hurts, The People’s Republic of China. You can ignore me, but do you have to mock?

The second picture, a panda wallowing in pee water.

Very funny, PRoC. I get it, you’d rather roll in a river of urine than read my posts. Fluent in fortune cookie Mandarin, I know the character for ‘Rolling Panda’ also means ‘Shitty Writer’.

Huh? What’s that?! All of WordPress.com is blocked in your country?

So, you hate WORDPRESS and the Freedom to read irrelevant humor/travel blogs. Oh, I knew you didn’t hate me personally!

Sites also blocked per Wikipedia: Amazon Japan, Sony Japan, Twitter, IMDB, HardSexTube (coincidentally, the name of my favorite bar in Columbus), Yahoo, NY Times.com, and Google.

Google? How are people supposed to find stoic pictures of Mao?

Or a panda.

or Mao Panda.

Pandao

Upon further review, Wikipedia, a.k.a. ‘The Truth’, says WordPress.com is technically no longer blocked in China as of April 2012.

Wikipedia never lies, so here we are again – China: hater of Roam About Mike. It’s almost like you’re going out of your way to NOT come here – like your viewership is being cuckolded by the Chinese government under the guise of protection to block your organic learning experience about trips to Philadelphia, Caffeine detoxification, and mustaches.

Things China is missing out on: Nip Pics, patchy chest hair, unbridled masculinity.

Ridiculous! You’re the People’s Republic of China, not some Orwellian Dystopia that limits the amount of children you’re allowed to have. Right?

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all upset. I’m just hurt, and when I’m hurt, I drink box wine, and when I drink box wine, I get animated and flash the elderly.

Frankly, the only thing that can thaw this icy relationship is: 1. I get a visiter, from mainland China, to my website 2. Someone within your travel bureau invites me over as a special Travel Ambassador (and I live through the visit).

Until then, your cold shoulder is a tiger death-strike to the egg roll. – 安

33 Comments Post a comment
  1. artblablablablog #

    Sorry, I’m from Arizona. But this is pretty hilarious!

    October 30, 2012
    • I think there’s a Beijing Arizona, so that counts, right?

      October 30, 2012
      • artblablablablog #

        Absolutely! Even though I have no idea where it is, if you believe it, go for it. Congratulations!

        October 30, 2012
      • Hahaha! Thanks! I think it’s close to Monument Valley, either way, success!

        October 30, 2012
  2. twl #

    I like pandas

    October 30, 2012
  3. I have a friend, The Good Greatsby who blogs from Shanghai, but it is not coming up as a view from China. Shanghai counts right? I wonder if it’s because they try to block the internet…Now I am thinking that if the country doesn’t come up then the view probably doesn’t get counted. Hey! I probably am getting thousands of views from China that aren’t being counted!
    Thanks Mike. I feel so much better about my blog now….
    PS You should give up coffee. Just sayin’ :)

    October 30, 2012
    • Huh. This adds a new twist to the study; people from China are actually reading, but it’s not counting. Interesting.
      I’ve added some common Mandarin phrases to my tags, like “Bowling”, “Hotdogs”, and “Apple Pie”, so we’ll see if they catch.

      Oh, I gave up coffee weeks ago. I’m straight up Earl Grey these days.

      October 30, 2012
      • Well that is good news, about the coffee I mean. Your photo was a bit on the scary side. You were in for a major crash! Hahaha!

        I am going to start padding my views since it is obvious that it is a glitch and I am sure that we are being seen by thousands in China! Right?

        Good idea about the tags. How about “Red neck,” and “Rootbeer float?”

        October 30, 2012
      • Thanks, I was very due, and did in fact, crash big time.

        I’m with you, I’m going with 100,000 website views. You?

        Added. Though “Rootbeer float” is quite the euphemism. Whoops

        October 30, 2012
  4. odd that you mention this as just last week I looked at my overall views map and it looked about like yours (you have taken more of Africa by storm but then you’re pretty badass so I can live with that) and I noticed the giant gaping hole that was China. Now that you’ve written this post I’ll have to spend the rest of my day wondering why the DRC hates me too.

    October 30, 2012
    • I listen to a lot of Toto, therefore, I know all there is to know about the Sub-Sahara.

      Hahaha! instead of dwelling on it, you should watch the movie ‘Congo’ instead.

      October 30, 2012
  5. Oh, and this weekend I had to have a friendship-altering discussion about the crucial necessity to the human race of boxed wine. Having this discussion with Those That Do Not Drink Boxed Wine is about as entertaining as whatever the audible hell that ear bleeding youtube Beat It gem is that you posted.

    October 30, 2012
    • Aural Franzia!

      October 30, 2012
      • lol. that music is NO black box!.

        October 30, 2012
      • Sometimes when I run, I CamelBak black box instead of water.

        October 30, 2012
  6. Not to make matters worse… but what’s up with Paraguay too?! It’s a glaring little hole in S. America.

    P.S. You are one HELL of a multi-tasker when eating Chinese food. ;)

    October 30, 2012
    • We need to have a little talk with Paraguay, shake em down, if you know what I mean…

      Tell me about it, Chinese food gets me MOTIVATED.

      October 30, 2012
  7. I got Taiwan. Taiwan probably doesn’t want to be lumped in with that hulk of Mainland China. I like your Freshly Pressed badge better than mine. I wish I had a FP badge on my blog that looked like that one but I don’t. Sigh.

    October 30, 2012
    • Totally separate. Even hong kong is on its own.

      I feel like a total asshole missing out on your freshly pressing. Congrats!
      Your badge is way better, I have a toothless uni-browed man. I mean, I can make you a toothless uni-browed man badge if you’d like.

      October 30, 2012
      • Hello! That’s what I was really not very subtly hinting at. Gahhh, men.

        October 30, 2012
      • I’ll cook you up somethin’ a nice

        October 30, 2012
  8. re: Sometimes when I run, I CamelBak black box instead of water
    …uh, yeah. Hydration system wine refreshment aside, running sucks, Mike. This guy (in an awesome write-up of a serious bad-ass) sums up beautifully my feelings on running in the first paragraph: http://www.badassoftheweek.com/young.html

    October 30, 2012
    • I have a love hate relationship with running. Right now, I love it. And that’s one of the better opening lines of a blog post i’ve ever seen.

      October 30, 2012
  9. free penny press #

    LOL.. guess I’d be throwing salt in the wound if I tiold you I have a China visitor quite often?

    October 30, 2012
    • Dammit!!
      No, I’m happy for you *evil jealous face*.

      So, again, we’re back to China hating me. If I ever get a visitor from mainland China, I’ll create a fantastic badge for you and I to share.

      October 30, 2012
      • free penny press #

        Bet.. I also have a fan club from Viet Nam.. wonder how that translates..

        October 30, 2012
      • Literally, per Google translator:

        miễn phí penny báo chí
        (free penny press)

        October 30, 2012
  10. oopppsss! and i read this a week after leaving china! perhaps you are right no one reads the roam about mike in china………probably we could start with a few recommendations?

    November 1, 2012
    • Aww man, thank would have been perfect!
      How was your China trip?
      Yes, I shall start by sending pamphlets to Beijing, or, I should just fly there myself, then look up my blog while in China. Problem Solved!

      November 1, 2012
      • no! thats too desperate a move, perhaps you could loa a china song with humorous critique, you could win a few hearts over!

        November 2, 2012
      • I think you’re on to something…

        November 2, 2012

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