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Politi-vasion: Campaign Madness in Ohio

SOS.

Mayday.

Help!

White flag – just please, make it fucking stop.

We’re trapped in a frenzied circus here in the mid-west, forced to witness an absurd, and mutated political trapeze, back and forth, faster and faster – with a swirling eddy of multi-million dollar, shark-infested campaigns in place of a safety net.

The politicians of this year’s election decided the Buckeye State will be THE defining judge in ‘12, above all other swing states. The bi-product of this fantastic award is a fever-pitched political onslaught of ‘They Live’ proportions. At least in ‘They Live’ “it” was kind enough to be subconcious!

This Politi-beast is a nauseating deterrent (or inciter, depending on susceptibility), and has perpetuated a vitriolic rift among the generally kind, nice, hard-working people within the ‘Heart of it all’.

How did this frenzy start, and why?

I want to walk you through a normal quadrennial day here in El Centro de Campaignos :

  • Wake up, out of bed, have a wee, tea, internet –political news.
  • Yahoo junk mail – political banner in side margin, Obama’s face – tall, stoic – I could probably take him in basketball.
  • Twitter – tweet from Michelle Obama, not a follower of hers, but people I follow are retweeting her comments.
  • Facebook – Update from Romney. Sponsored ad, Zuckerburg’s bread and butter.
  • Facebook – Update from local goof-douche Josh Mandel.
  • Friends are posting and arguing over the recent debate which goes something like this:

“SMH. Romney is such a moron. Skid marks in his Mormon magic panties.”

“OMG if I have to put up with that asshole Obama for four more years…”

“Romney’s a liar will take all the jobs and my cats to China!”

“Obama will give us all AIDS from the terrorists at his mosque!”

  • Drive to work – oh, that beautiful house is for sale….no…just a cluster of political signs in the yard, and that yard, and the next yard, and on that corner, and that side of the building, and that billboard, and that bumper sticker, and that mailbox, and that store, and that other store, and that factory, and that baby’s forehead.

“Don’t be a tortoise, vote for rigor mortis!”

  • Turn on radio to drone out visuals –Obama political radio ad, Romney ad, local political smear ad, Josh Mandel, Sherrod brown, Obama ad. I wish I was joking, but the commercial break was back to back to back to back to back….
  • Turn off radio, safe at work, drive home, the other side of the political signs
  • At home, Youtube videos interjected with 30 seconds political ads.
  • TV (don’t have cable) talking heads clucking about the clucks.
  • Grab the mail off the porch, 12 postcards from either party. 12. Romney, Yvette McGee Brown, Obama, Anti-Maureen Reedy, Josh Mandel again, Issue 2, Issue 2, Bed Bath and Beyond 20%! Whoops. Okay, 11.
  • A solicitous text from the Romney Group. How did they get my number?
  • Cavalcade of campaigner buses race down High Street with full-on police escort.
  • The icing – sacred Buckeye game day – above The Shoe, a blimp with Romney’s giant fucking face on it.

When. Will. It. End.

First world problems end today, I get it, but that’s not the point. What are the limitations of meddle? It’s not that bad every other state, right? What about 2016 – Republican sponsored bowel movements? Democrat sponsored orgasms?

  1. How do we, as Ohioans/Americans, let political marketing become so intrusive?
  2. Why do Americans turn against each, and become so clench-jaw fanatical about elections…

no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no

A dingo ate your pinky!

Perhaps #2 answers #1 – with the ‘Us vs. Them’ mentality; blue vs. red; he said he said; “whacko” left vs. “religious” right; he’s better looking than the current VP and has bigger dumbbells, and my talking head is more correct than your talking head.

Vanilla Ice 2.0 – Stop, calibrate and glisten.

A growing rift among people of arguably the greatest nation in history; it’s pathetic, counterproductive, and a bit scary.

Fuck you. No fuck YOU. I’m rubber you’re glue! Nuh uh!

I’ve been to every state in this amazing country/majority of its cities, and yes, people have different beliefs, political views, and sports teams. And while ‘it’ may look different, sound different, smell different, SEEM different – even in the macro-scope of Ohio – there is, at least, an overwhelming percentage of commonality.

I understand the unfortunate lapse in mental fortitude to filter-out and/or curb ignorance, which is really just a bi-product of lack of experience in cultures. What I don’t understand, and the point of this post, is why we let such a small percentage of actual difference put a wedge between us as Ohioans/Americans, hammered home by one of, if not THEE biggest group of known liars in written history; Politicians.

That’s all I got – take it or leave it. There are countries where people are fire-bombed at the voting booths, I only hope the current trend of vicious fanaticism, and privacy penetrating campaigning doesn’t lead to such a plight.

In the spirit of ridiculousness, here are the five most logical ways to ignore the Political insanity in Ohio (or wherever) in ’16:

1. Cast your absentee ballot from your 1960’s furbished nuclear bomb shelter. A steady diet of canned peaches, Schlitz pull-tabs, and Lunchables is good for your mental sanity. Play scrabble, count coins, and paint landscapes, far, far from the desensitizing marketing of Crapitol Hill.

2. ‘Abyss’-it. Remove yourself from noisome rhetoric by renting a submarine boat capable of transcending the darkest, deepest crevices on Earth. Trade candidate banners for squid beaks and clam shells, say hello to the transparent sea aliens and serenade them with select songs from the ‘Little Mermaid’ while sending in your vote via discarded Coke bottle.

3. Baum(gartner)s Away! Rent a balloon, and float around the earth for a few months. Live off beef jerky and Red Bull, and drop pennies from heaven.

4. Trepanation/Lobotomy.

Watch the Birdie!

5. Politi-Gone Glasses with Ear Buds– Just about to hit the market on QVC – simply pick from three different selections on your glasses, put them on along with your ear buds, and when you see a political banner, bumper sticker, or town-hall debate, instead of politicians and bullshit, you will see:

  • Llamas
  • Boobs/Pecs
  • Bea Arthur

Imagine the fun you’ll have, seeing and listening to Bea Arther read transcripts from ‘The Golden Girls’ episodes instead of lobbed slander during the Politi-Fact peppered debates!

Instead of Dem/Rep/Green bumper stickers, you get boobs, or pecs, or both!

Who wouldn’t love Barak Ollama campaign signs. Or Spit Romney. Get it? Because Llamas spit.

Bukach/Zombie Arthur ’16 – ‘Aim low, expect less’

24 Comments Post a comment
  1. Nathaniel Hahn #

    Well played…the voting lines this morning were just an insane cluster of insanity. And travel last night was a pain in the butt with the city shutting down all its roads for the president. I missed the blimp…but that has to be a record…a candidate with his face on a blimp…whats next? Political adds branded on the backs of sea creatures? Only time will tell!

    November 6, 2012
    • Why thank you, sir.

      It took me 25 minutes to get from the parking lot on Nationwide, to High. I almost got crushed by a frenzied crowd.

      The blimp was a new low, or high, whatever.
      I will vote Baracuda/Manatee in ’16!!

      November 6, 2012
  2. We were in Ohio for the last presidential election and I remember this well. But this year, we’re in Iowa and, believe it or not, I think it’s worse here. There’s no escape. But I would take a pair of those magical glasses…

    November 6, 2012
    • Wow. I’m surprised Iowa is worse, but strangely comforted we’re not alone.

      November 6, 2012
    • I must ask, how much would you pay for a pair of these fancy glasses?

      November 6, 2012
  3. Colorado was considered another swing state and both parties have spent gazillions here on ads. They have been all over the state campaigning. The amount of phone calls have been obscene! I have hung up on both parties.

    We watched The Ides of March last night. Have you seen it? It’s about a fictitious presidential campaign where both candidates run on “integrity” and both end up doing being corrupted and manipulative in the hopes of being elected. The key swing state was Ohio!

    The good news is it will be over tomorrow….

    November 6, 2012
    • Haven’t had a land line in a while mostly because the only calls I got were solicitous, and I get phone rage.

      Haven’t seen it, heard it was good, but will add it to my Netflix queue. Of course the swing state was ohio!

      I know, but then what about 2016?

      November 6, 2012
      • I hope that by 2016 some kind of spending limit will be in place. When I think of the millions spent in our state alone and how that money could have benefited so many people in need, it makes me sick. Especially when so many of the ads were negative.

        Hopefully, we’ll know who our president is by late tonight!

        November 6, 2012
      • I agree 100%. The sick, the needy, education…instead, I get 3-4 pamphlets a day for a month, and facebook ads. Something is skewed…

        November 6, 2012
  4. Florida has been “fun”, too! The average wait time to vote is 1.5 hours but at least people are turning out to vote! Thank goodness it only comes once every four years.

    November 6, 2012
    • I bet! It would be cool if everyone who voted in the Orlando area got a free roller coaster ride after casting their vote.
      I mean, who wouldn’t vote then!

      November 6, 2012
      • Ha! New plan, next time the candidates want to campaign here…THEY have to ride roller-coasters. It’ll be like a metaphor come to life!

        November 6, 2012
        • Um, I like yours waaaaay better. Zing!

          November 6, 2012
  5. I hate to tell you this but last night I saw the first of my only three presidential campaign ads. And I get to vote by mail. You have fought the good fight, go to bed until tomorrow.

    November 6, 2012
    • Do you live in Ohio?

      November 6, 2012
      • Orygone :)

        November 6, 2012
      • Oh I know you do. :) I was hoping you purchased a quiet cabin in the woods in ohio for my ‘nap’.

        November 6, 2012
  6. Sounds awful! I wonder if it is because voting isn’t compulsory? In Australia where I live, voting is compulsory, and so the politicians don’t have to rev us up and spend enormous amounts of money pouring fear and anger into our brains to encourage us to vote (hate and fear are big motivators I guess). I know compulsory anything is anathema to Americans, and it’s not a perfect system by any means – but hey, just thought I’d throw that in. :)

    November 6, 2012
    • Interesting, I did not know that about the Australian voting process. Sounds horribly logical – and, in turn, would never work here. :) Not enough money and hoopla involved.

      November 6, 2012
  7. I’m in California which is by no means a swing state, but the ads HERE have been out of control, so I can’t even imagine being somewhere like Ohio or Florida! Hopefully the election will be over tonight (barring any sort of drama such as the 2000 election).

    November 6, 2012
    • Yes, thank goodness. Could you imagine if we got a 2000 election redux? We’d never hear the end of it, ever – whatever the result.

      November 6, 2012
  8. Reblogged this on khaniedavid.

    May 31, 2013

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