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The Ampu-Turkey and Other Thanksgiving Tales

Thanksgiving at my parents’ house has become legendary over the years.

There was the Thanksgiving of ’04, when we made the Twinsburg Bulletin police blotter because my insane cousin ‘Dee’ got into a fight with her boyfriend, Joey. ‘Dee’ punched Joey in the face in front of shocked friends and family, broke his nose, so boyfriend took Dee’s car keys, and tossed them into my parents’ pond. Not entirely the smartest revenge as she was his ride.

While police interrogated the two lovebirds and arrested Joey, their four-year old son pulled his pants down to his ankles, and peed off our front porch into the bushes to the horror of my mom and dad.

‘Dee’ has been formally banned from family events at the Roam About Household

In ’05 the family and orphaned friends got extremely wine drunk and played twister – while creepily incestuous the loser had to wear the most demeaning costume ever made – a handmade leopard unitard. One of the top five laughs I’ve ever had –  as the losers walked out sad Charlie Brown style, wearing the leopard onesy.

In ’06 the wine drunk (again) family and friends go roller skating. Seemed like a great idea, roller skating and booze.

The “manager” of the roller rink boastfully zipped around the rink, took out cousin Ziggy’s legs, and started chuckling about it. Mike gets pissed, skates down the manager like Dan Jansen and clumsily body checks him into the boards while the family cheers like rabid hockey fans. Family is booted from roller rink.

In ’08 the losers of the Wii boxing championship have to do a full lap around the house in their underwear…in 25 degree weather with a foot of snow on the ground.

I lost, Roam About Sister just wanted to join.

Then there was the infamous ugly sweater-off of ’10.

Last year though, was my favorite.

Roam About Mom is amazing – and like Danny Tanner from Full House, loves having everything domestically perfect. Example: When she vacuums, she likes having the vacuum marks stay. To torture Mom, Roam About Sister and I roll around the living room mucking up the vacuum lines, then calmly sit in the kitchen and count how long it takes Ma to figure out her precise lines are skewed. Usually not very long.

Speaking of Roam About Sister, this picture from Halloween sums her up perfectly:

A mustache with a mustache. She was pissed everyone thought she was a hairy stingray.

Sorry, tangent, but last year Mom thawed out two turkeys overnight, woke up early, prepared the stuffing and sides, and vittles, undid the plastic to the first turkey. It had no neck, wings or legs. It was just a torso, a large football, one continuous turkey breast – the infamous ampu-turkey.

Roam About Mom rarely swears, but on Thanksgiving morn’, while everyone was nestled in bed dreaming up drumsticks and turkey wings, she opened the other turkey to find it too was an ampu-turkey. A vehement “FUCK!” echoed from the kitchen throughout the household, and we spent Thanksgiving laughing hysterically at another Roam About Family classic.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. Safe Travels, and may your turkey be whole – Mike

23 Comments Post a comment
  1. Ziggy with a Neck #

    Thank you for not posting actucal pictures of the “Cat suit”. I’m trying to remember if family-spin-the-bottle-night was on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

    November 21, 2012
    • Ziggy with a Neck #

      That “Dee” sounds like a real nut-job.

      November 21, 2012
      • I couldn’t find the photographic evidence – it’s in some cupboard, buried in laughter.

        She’s quite a holiday treat, that Dee.

        November 21, 2012
  2. Jason #

    I was fortunate enough to be at the skating ring when Mike Apollo-Anton Ono Bukach took his revenge vs the evil Polack. EPIC!

    November 21, 2012
    • hahahaha! Yes! Hopefully it looked as good live as it did in my head.

      November 21, 2012
  3. I laughed so hard when I read about the ampu-turkey! Poetic timing too as I am about to unwrap my bird…. Fingers crossed that it has wings!

    November 21, 2012
    • haha! Please, you have to let me know the outcome.

      November 21, 2012
  4. Lisa #

    Turduckin or Squabbit are really the way to go! Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

    November 21, 2012
    • Yes! I forgot about the Squabbit. Or the rabbit, squirrel, deer – squeerabbit.
      Thanks, you too, Lisa.

      November 22, 2012
  5. I’m not sure if I love Dee or the ampu-turkeys better. But what brought a tear to my eye was your wish for a whole turkey for me and my family. So touching!

    November 22, 2012
    • Well, ampu-turkeys bring deliciousness – Dee brings…drama and fisticuffs.
      Hahaha – I mean it, may you have dark meat!

      November 22, 2012
  6. I’m coming to YOUR house for thanksgiving next year.

    November 22, 2012
    • The only prerequisite for entry is Scotch and more Scotch.

      November 23, 2012
  7. Hilarious! Organizing vacuuming lines is almost as bad as raking carpet fringe! (I don’t do that.) No wonder such a funny person sprung to life, given your family of origin. :) And, BTW, a turkey sans jointed appendages riddled with connective tissue = tasty abstract shape = my idea of Thanksgiving Heaven. Vegetarian that I am. 99% of the time.

    November 27, 2012
    • Haha! I’m pretty sure Roam About Mom has raked carpet fringe at some point.

      Thanks, quirkiness begets weirdos.

      The turkey was just so weird looking. I can’t stop looking at the picture at the top of the post. Weird.

      I can’t apologize for my carnivorous tendencies – I will apologize for the gratuitous kielbasa sausage shots in the other post. Sorry. Gross, i know.

      November 27, 2012
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    please come see my blog I would deeply appreciate it so much . I’m new to this and also would love to talk to someone who is a regular on here. Thank you God bless_________

    November 27, 2012
  9. Hahahaha! This is awesome! Hahahahaha.

    December 3, 2012
  10. Brilliant; just brilliant. Sounds like my family holidays, too…except your family probably gets their wine drunk from bottles, not plastic bags inside cardboard boxes. ;)

    January 10, 2013
    • Hey, don’t diss the box wine – Franzia will definitely add some fun to the party. :)

      January 10, 2013

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