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An Open Letter To The Gentleman Who Almost Killed Me

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Dearest High Commander Asshole,

Greetings!

You don’t know me yet, and Vishnu willing, we’ll never meet face to face, but I’m the guy you nearly ran over with your car today.

I’ve had many close calls in this bipedal life  - having lived in NYC for 5 + years, dodging taxis, dog poop, human poop, bikers, juking angry people, and, well…more taxis, and I’d like to think those 5 years were training for our special moment.

I realize it’s difficult to see a 6’2″ + guy with a bright blue coat walking across the street. Hell, sometimes I’m not sure I really exist, but let’s not get all existential here.

What’s that? I’m sorry, I’ll use smaller words next time.

I do suspect you understand symbols….like the white pixelated stickfigure on the box…that means ‘walk’, and conversely, the red hand means ‘don’t walk’?

No?

You don’t understand that either.

Makes sense as you came whizzing around the corner at 35 mph, not even tapping the brakes as I did my best ‘Mary Lou Retton with a computer bag’ impression to avoid your car.

mary-lou-retton-by-i-cdn-turnerdotcom

Bag by Manhattan Portage. Onesy by ‘lil ‘mericans.

Speaking of your car – I’ve always imagined (“always” being “since our run in”), if i did get hit by a vehicle, I’d have my legs taken out from under me by something sexy, like a red Ferrari f430 Spider driven by a half-naked Brazilian girl.

ferrari-and-sexy-girl-picture-2

License and registration, please.

But damn you, reality!

Just my luck I’m almost struck down by an early 90′s, shoddily customized, glittery black, neon green accented Honda Civic. Thank L. Ron for the racing pipe off the back, for if I hadn’t heard the distinct sound of someone continuously blowing into a Moose’s ass with a Vuvuzela, I wouldn’t have looked up in time to dodge.

Spoiler

It’s weird how much one remembers the moment right before death. You, driving with one hand, laughing whilst talking on the phone – cheap misshapen aviators, a popped white polo. I’m guessing you were calling Taco Bell to tell them you’d be late for third shift tonight as you got caught up in that hand job from your Aunt Lilly.

Am I wrong in remembering your skin had that oompah-loompah orange tone?

That natural, early-December-in-Ohio hue every Columbusian native has..perhaps it was just the sun reflecting off your car’s massive spoiler – definitely want to keep that thing from taking off.

And that gelled hair; it’s like you’re putting all your effort into looking like Pauly D from Jersey Shore, and yet, perfectly channeling late Liberace.

paulyd

He’s smiling because he has no clue what’s going on.

liberace_332w

Hide the boys! Uncle Lib’s here!

It pains me this letter has to come to such an abrupt end – certainly not as painful as the end I would have had had you hit me with your ridiculous car. I don’t even know if that last sentence is grammatically correct, but I don’t give a shit, I have a new calling in life – Writer of Open Letters To Inconsiderate Twats, or ‘WOOLTIT’.

Fear the WOOLTIT.

Happy holidays!

-Mike

52 Comments Post a comment
  1. The WOOLTIT! Hahaha! I got hit while riding my bike once back in Madison. The driver stopped and was so upset that I felt sorry for her! :)
    I think “almost” is the key word. Good thing your story includes it or you may not be here to rant. :)

    December 4, 2012
    • You got hit? Holy S that’s terrible!
      He may or may not have clipped my shoe….but yes, it was a very close “almost”.

      December 4, 2012
  2. Fish Out of Water #

    Popped collar, you say? Has that made a resurgence since 1985? I’m very pleased Pauly D didn’t kill you.

    December 4, 2012
    • Only in douchiest circles. Thank you, I almost ended up in a suped-up Jazzy.

      December 4, 2012
  3. You’re too funny! Reading this is the perfect way to start the day, thank you!
    Some douche hit my car a couple weeks ago (while I was driving) and then took off. I chased him for 12 blocks but 911 told me to stop the chase. Probably a good thing. I wrote a post about the incident and it made me feel a little better. I have the guys license # on a sticky note on my dashboard…he’ll be back…

    December 4, 2012
  4. Mike, I need you to not die, okay?

    December 4, 2012
    • I’m trying! People love to almost assassinate me!

      December 4, 2012
  5. Thank God for the sound of someone blowing into a mooses ass with a vuvuzela!! Sounds like you need security!

    December 4, 2012
    • I’ve been listening to vuvuzelas on repeat for hours, finding my zen.
      I do, Rob. Got any recommendations?

      December 4, 2012
  6. It’s awl good, each and every word! Sorry that happened but it just provided me with some reading pleasure and meh!! yer fine!

    Onesy by lil ‘mericans…. bahhahahahaha

    December 4, 2012
    • I am fine. My friend is bruised by some gel-capped douche.
      :) mary lou approved!

      December 4, 2012
  7. These things have happened to me as well, but your open letter is much more clever and polite than mine would have been. I’m in NY too—if this should ever happen to you again, holler and I’ll hold the guy down while you beat him senseless.

    December 4, 2012
    • Yes! Finally someone who understands!
      You know what, fuck letters, I’m doing it your way from now on *grabs brass knuckles, waits to be ‘almost’ hit by car*

      December 4, 2012
      • Perfect! I like the brass knuckles idea—so much classier than a Louisville Slugger.

        December 4, 2012
        • And more personal.
          On the left hand (knuckle) – WEEBS
          On the right hand – MIKEY

          December 4, 2012
  8. This is amazing. Sorry this happened to you but It made my day to read this letter.

    December 4, 2012
    • Hi, dailyspro. It’s all good, i lived – glad to have made your day, and thanks for reading!

      December 4, 2012
  9. Is that wing on the Honda made out of a fucking palette?

    December 4, 2012
    • No shit – I think you’re right. Or a wooden beam made to look like a steel one. Wow, I need to get one!!

      December 5, 2012
  10. WOOLTIT is the name I call my breasts when I don’t shave my nipples.

    I’ve been clipped once in a crosswalk by a douche on a VESPA. He ran over my foot and then flipped me off and sped away. I was also doored by some asshat in a range rover when riding my bike.

    December 4, 2012
    • What do you call them when you do shave?

      That sounds terrible. A VESPA is probably worse than tricked out Honda. And who has the gall to flip someone else off after running over their feet? Douche.

      You got doored? Shit, were (are) you okay? I know someone who died from the same situation in Central Park.

      December 5, 2012
      • I call them “saggy” when I shave. The door was so damn high on the range rover, and I saw it coming so I didn’t do a flip over it or anything. I dragged the tops of my feet on the ground and ripped open my shoe, but that was about it. The guy was super apologetic and gave me $20 (?) to make me feel better.

        December 5, 2012
      • Grandma always said better saggy than shaggy!

        That’s awful! $20? You should have played it up a bit “Ahh my spleen!”

        December 5, 2012
  11. you have some really great word choices in this. love your tone. entertaining entry.

    December 4, 2012
    • That’s very kind of you, Mermaid. Thanks for the comment – and thanks for reading.

      December 5, 2012
  12. free penny press #

    I love open letters.. ever thought about submitting one (this one) to McSweenys? (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-parkay)..example but submission info too. :-)

    December 4, 2012
    • Uhhh no. I haven’t, but I’m going to in the morning.
      Looks awesome. Thanks, Lynne! Have you ever submitted?

      December 5, 2012
      • free penny press #

        I did, but they turned it down BUT the response they gave me was really nice and he even gave me advice on how to fix some things so it was worth it. Mine was not as good as yours :-)..McSweeny’s is one of my Fav places on the web
        Good Luck!!

        December 5, 2012
      • Oh it’s on now! Their website is awesome. How do I miss all the cool stuff? Thanks again

        December 5, 2012
  13. Nice one Mike, lucky escape :). Giggled myself silly reading this, thanks for that!

    December 5, 2012
    • Thanks, sarafoley! Feels good to be alive. I’m confident this letter will deter horrible drivers forever… :)

      December 5, 2012
  14. Dear Mike, as a courier, walker and cyclist in a fairly crowded city I too would like to become a wooltit…I have more than enough fodder to exhaust WordPress’ bandwidth. I also have the perfect name…I’ll let you know when I launch it. Glad the bastard didn’t win.

    December 5, 2012
    • Dear traveling crone,
      You are brave. Very brave being a cyclist. Fire away, and give ‘em hell when you do launch!

      December 5, 2012
  15. This one may have been my fault. I was trying to lift the spirits of a co-worker. Nothing seemed to work until I decided that he needed a near-death experience. Unfortunately I didn’t miss him the other night in the dark parking lot and mangled his legs something awful. He’s not gonna make it, so we hastily arranged a Make-A-Wish situation for him. Since my side mirror popped him in the mouth, his speech is very slurred. All we could make out were words that sounded like candalabra, Anthony Michael Hall and HJ chalupas.
    I fear that our Make-A-Wish candidate, in his haste to get to the hospital, might have driven too fast, without caution and accidently near missed hitting you

    Oh, and I got a job in Columbus for a few days. Thats where my story takes place, so that this makes sense.

    Livestrong!

    December 5, 2012
    • It’s cool. I feel much better about the situation now. As long as it was for a good cause…and by good cause, I mean Fight Club with Anthony Michael Hall instead of Brad Pitt.

      You should have called – we could have grabbed some buffet action at Kahoots’ gentlemen’s club.

      December 6, 2012
      • I hear their prime rib is so good, you hallucinate

        December 6, 2012
      • True. Last time I ate the ribs, Bea Arthur gave me a lap dance.

        December 7, 2012
  16. At least you can have a sense of humor about it. I am not sure that I would. Good on you!

    December 7, 2012
    • Oh, if I had a solid object to throw at the car, aside from my computer, i would have. But, all i can do is write about it. :) Thanks, Mz Zoomer!

      December 8, 2012
      • Probably best or you could be writing from behind some bars where they feed you yummy food :-)

        December 8, 2012
      • Mmmm prison food.

        December 11, 2012
  17. this happened to me just this past Friday. I tried to muster up a good “Ayy I’m walking here!”, but with my puffy coat and Peruvian tassel hat, I just wasn’t feeling like a Midnight Cowboy. The kicker in my story: The idiot had personalized plates and works in the same building as me. Not going to be too hard to locate them with security guard.

    January 27, 2013
    • Ooooh, vanity plates – classic d-bag. Are you okay? Did you have to stunt roll out of the way?

      Revenge is a dish best served with karate chops.
      Thanks for reading, latebloomlisa. And please, keep us updated on the results of your vengeance.

      January 27, 2013
      • I am fine, I merely stopped out of disbelief and allowed said d-bag to whiz past, ruffling said puffy coat (the Peruvian tassel hat was, thankfully, unaffected) while possibly making obscene gestures at their vehicle.
        Vengeance shall be mine tomorrow, but maybe not Paul Kersey in Death Wish style.

        January 27, 2013
      • Thank goodness the Peruvian hat was unscathed.
        How did the not-Charles-Bronson interaction go?

        January 28, 2013
  18. Great humor and I could just picture all the scene with your descriptions…needed no photos! LOL

    April 8, 2013
    • Thank you very much, no step too loose! Thanks for stopping in!

      April 9, 2013
  19. Reblogged this on khaniedavid.

    May 31, 2013

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