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Aging Like Lohan

I’ve had a secret crush on Lindsay Lohan for a long time.

It’s ridiculous, I know; could be her Ann Margret sexuality meld with the plucky, happy outside/crunchy badass train wreck inside – I love it. Or, loved it.

ann-margaret-005

Lindsay and I have absolutely nothing a shit ton in common.

She started her career as a model

Me too

She went on to have a successful acting career.

I starred (one time) on ‘Three Men And A Chick Flick’ on the WE channel. And was a frequent-visitor of the gone-too-soon ‘Living it Up with Ali and Jack’ on CBS. I was also an ‘uncredited’ extra in ‘Strangers with Candy’ the movie, and was a featured prisoner in Godsmack’s ‘Awake’ Video.

Third guy in! Third guy in!

Lindsay has millions of dollars (or HAD millions of dollars)

I have millions of penny halves.

I met double L once – the origin of the adolescent crush.

This was 6 or 7 years ago in NYC at the Coffee Shop in Union Square where I was working a promo event for Napster,  paid to listen to music in the “Napster lounge” while big-wigs, and “hip folk” mingled. My boss paid $11,000 for Lindsay to come in for a half hour, talk with some of us while the cameras blasted away to boost the Napster brand.

Lindsay ran in through a wake of paparazzi – looking like a beautifully crazed ginger pole cat. She headed straight for the back room where she proceeded to down a half bottle of tequila like a pro (she was 18-19 at this time). She went to the little girls room to…powder her nose? Ten minutes later, she came out, and headed my way.

Me – Oh my god she’s coming over here to kiss me goodbye.

Lindsay (in my brain) – “Mike, I’m so tired of the hub-bub, take me away from it all.”

Me – “I’ll take you anywhere, Lindsay. France, Maldives, New Castle, Pennsylvania…my 12×7 jail cell bedroom that gets no light but is totally cool because I live in the East Village.”

“Oh yes, Mike!” Lindsay, in my brain, kisses me passionately.

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Real Lindsay walked up, looked deep into my soul, grabbed a Napster mp3 player from my listening station, turned around, and ducked out the door into a limo –  gone forever.

My Boss: “I just paid $11,000 for THAT?!”

Me: “It was worth it.”

OK, so I didn’t “meet” her per say, but there’s a picture of us together somewhere; me ogling her, looking semi-retarded, quarter cocked – her in complete control. There was something in there…that ‘I truly do not give a fuck’ attitude that hooked me. She was the epitome of badass – a young, gorgeous, bitchy, red-headed, sexually charged middle finger to the paparazzi, marketeers, branding, you, me, and everyone.

Arrests, fights, money problems, and drugs have been Lindsay’s modus operandi since our Napster meeting; this, nor candid pictures of her in court, or wasted at clubs could deter my crush – just Lindsay having a good time…

L

I mean, we can’t look good ALL the time.

Image

Then, I saw a pic of Lindsay the other day, and the crush was KO’ed.

She joined majority of Hollywood starlets and stars down the path of fake plastic poofy cat-face, at only 26 years old.

Premiere Of Lifetime's "Liz & Dick" - Arrivals

“I’m trying to smile, but my nose job,and lip injections are fighting it.”

Ask Dr. Mike: Fun With Botulism.

Botulinum Toxin, or Botox (common nomenclature for those who don’t want to admit pumping biohazard in their face) does serve a legitimate purpose in helping people with chronic headaches. Outside of migraine alleviation  - it’s a protein poison injected in your forehead/cheek area that paralyzes the muscles to give an expressionless, smoother look. Combined with a face-lift – the permanent look of someone sticking a surprise digit in your butthole (see Kenny Rogers Below).

Botox is obviously not my cup of tea, and I find noticeable, voluntary vanities disturbing; a complete turn off. Unfortunately, the mortality scares and image obsessions trickle down to real people. The nip here, the tuck there, the nose jobs, the lip injections, Botox; covers of magazines used as comparisons in the mirror.

The Lindsay’s of this world are showing girls, men, women that it’s okay to not like what combined genetics gave ya. With money, insecurities can be operated away like the fine gallery of folks below:

cat-woman-aka-jocelyn-wildenstein--large-msg-120343681936

Excuse me, Ma’am. You look fucking disgusting.

kenny-rogers

You gotta know when to fold, Kenny!

TomCruise_071720

This face brought to you by Dr. Culty McSciFi

heidi-montag-back-scoop-surgery

Keep silicon at room temperature to avoid molecular breakdown.

Age gracefully, and naturally as possible, without enhancements. If you want to look better – you gotta feel better, eat healthier work-out, hike, stop smoking crack, crank or snorting lines, meditate, get outside.

Me? I’ll Kris Kristofferson-it over Kenny Rogers any day. So long, Lindsay. – Mike

40 Comments Post a comment
  1. Okay Mike. Where do I begin? How great that you have so much in common. Who knew that you were an actor? How cool is that? Were you the 4th guy at the table in the prison? Enough questions.
    I am with you on the plastics, botox and all the other things some of my friends have been sucked into doing. I almost wrote a non-fiction book about it until I realized some of my friends would be really pissed! I have a theory about all those injections. I think that if a person has the type of skin that stretches out over time and wrinkles, it always will. That’s why their lips keep getting bigger. Pretty soon they look like Marge on the Simpsons. http://images.pictureshunt.com/pics/m/marge_of_the_simpsons-5165.jpg

    December 11, 2012
    • “Actor” yes…yes, that’s the ticket. I’m the skinny guy going crazy at 1:38 in the vid…:)

      Would they be pissed at you for exposing them, or were they botched?

      Bahaha! I can see it now – the Marge Simpson fad.

      December 11, 2012
      • Found it! You are raging! Love it… :)
        They are not botched, yet, but fairly obvious. I am writing fiction instead. It is so much easier!
        There is also a birdlike quality to the beaks that it creates… I wish women would embrace the fact that we do age and get over it. The whole face and boob job sets us back to the 1950′s! Jeez. I was pretty young when women were burning their bras, but back then, Dolly Parton was the only one that stood out. Pun intended.

        December 11, 2012
      • Teenage angst…. :)

        OOOhhh can you name one of your characters Miffy VonSchloose?

        Agreed completely. If you laid her down, I think Dolly’s boobs are taller than her standing up.

        December 11, 2012
  2. I want to look like a lion. That isn’t natural?

    December 11, 2012
    • Yes. I’ve always wanted to wake up next to a lion.

      December 11, 2012
  3. Nathaniel Hahn #

    I too would like to look like a lion!

    December 11, 2012
    • Admit it, you just want to eat a manatee guilt free.

      December 11, 2012
  4. Sorry to hear about the breakup. But sounds like you’re better off. I’m with you on looking better through feeling better. And after all, what’s sexier than happiness and confidence??

    December 11, 2012
    • It’s okay, I’ll live. :).

      Exactly, S Wave!! Thanks for reading!

      December 11, 2012
  5. Kathro #

    AMEN.

    December 11, 2012
  6. First of all, The Strangers With Candy movie? Now I’m in love with you Lohan-style.

    Secondly, Lindsay Lohan is a disaster. Have you seen this picture before she got her teeth fixed? http://www.radaronline.com/sites/radaronline.com/files/imagecache/350width/Lindsay-Lohan-teeth-dentist-INF.jpg

    I feel badly for her because it’s obvious she has an addiction, and her family is full of enablers. Still, when you have that much money and that many resources, get your shit together.

    December 11, 2012
    • I got to hang out with Amy Sedaris all day during shooting – unfortunately, she was in her Jerry Blank character… it was odd.
      Holy shit that’s gross. Fix your shitty shitty teeeth!

      I know – she’s screaming for attention, and lacks a concrete figure. It’s not too late, but it’s sort of too late…you know? Hell, mickey rourke came back…

      December 11, 2012
  7. Do you feel personally responsible? Do you feel it was the MP3 player from your listening station that eventually led her over the edge, forcing her to powder her nose over and over again?

    Anyway, I’m against most plastic surgery, but can see where Botox would be useful for perspiration. How cool would it be never to have to worry about sweat? Other than that, if my looks get really bad, I’ll probably just put a paper bag over my head and wear a muumuu.

    December 11, 2012
    • I really do, L and L. Maybe it wasn’t my mp3 player, but terrible playlist I programmed with the likes of the Neville Brothers, Enya, and Chumbawumba.

      Ah! I forgot about hyperhidrosis! Thank you. SO migraines, super sweaters, and hollywood starlets. What a crew.

      hahaha! I hear the paper bag muumuu look is all the rage in NYC.

      December 11, 2012
      • It is, especially if you bring a couple of extra bags with you. You can sleep with one over your head, use another as a blanket, and if you’re lucky, people might feel bad for you and put money in the third. Complete strangers too! And they say people in NY don’t care about each other…

        December 11, 2012
      • Form AND function – you are totally on to something. WHo doesn’t want to make a few bucks while looking so good

        December 11, 2012
  8. “sexually charged middlefinger” —genius in the penius. good words.

    December 11, 2012
    • Why thank you, cmermaid. Penius – you’re a poet.

      December 11, 2012
  9. free penny press #

    I fell out laughing..One time I was this close (see me pinching my fingers) to getting some lip injections as I have bird lips.. I mean, they are nothing more than a plumpy line.. Then I saw all these shots (your Exhibit A, B, C & D) and said hell no.. I’ll stick with Lip plumper chapstick..

    This post was hilarious!!

    Post Script: Can I have your autograph Mr 3rd one in ?

    December 11, 2012
    • No way. Serious? I have a tattoo, but outside getting stitches or an accident, there’s no way I would get a shot in my face *cringe*

      Thanks, Lynne! – I’m curious what this “lip plumper chapstick” is…is it just a Cayenne pepper.

      Hahaha! Yes, yes you can

      December 11, 2012
  10. This is awesome. ‘Specially all the lovely pictures you’ve included. Your lovely photo is my favorite.

    December 11, 2012
    • Thank you, Vy. They’re my modeling pictures. I’m gunning for GQ

      December 11, 2012
  11. twl #

    I got to spend two quality hours being ignored by her while standing face to face from her while they completed blocking for a scene in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. I was a background extra and was promoted to the stand in for the actor who played her father. Best part of the whole night was when I got paid 400 dollars for 8 hours work.:)

    December 11, 2012
    • I can’t defend her anymore, she’s a bitch for ignoring you.
      Wow! Are you SAG? – the most I ever got paid for extra work was $75 and a kick in the nuts.

      December 11, 2012
  12. You spoke the truth. The so called enhancements are downright terrifying. Aging gracefully and becoming an embarrassment to your kids is still a worthy goal in my opinion.

    December 12, 2012
    • Yeeees! Exactly. I don’t have children, but I’m willing to embarrass anyone’s children. Any hints on how to do this?

      December 12, 2012
  13. I hadn’t seen the photos of her post-surgical “enhancements.” Wow. She’s a hot mess, that poor thing. But not in a good way.

    December 12, 2012
    • Poor thing drank herself ugly. Now she’s trying to operate it away. maybe i’ll be a good rebound bf…poop.

      December 12, 2012
  14. oh, lindsay…. the queen of the ‘hot mess’ entree. i can not get enough of that one-eyed picture though. i’d like to put it on my ‘vision board.’ xoxox, sm

    December 16, 2012
    • She’s winking inspiration your way.

      December 17, 2012
  15. Thea Christie #

    oh lindsay. hot mess.

    January 6, 2013
  16. Great post! I used to be a little bit celebrity obsessed with Lindsay Lohan, but now what a mess! And that cat lady looks just a little bit horrific.

    February 22, 2013
    • Yes, sadly, she has fallen out of favor.
      Could you imagine if you were related to the cat lady? Ahhhhh!
      Thanks, confessions.

      February 22, 2013
  17. Reblogged this on khaniedavid.

    May 31, 2013

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