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Holiday Cheer and Reindeer Sh*t

kidswithsanta_w620

Oh man I love the holidays! In the words of Tiny Tim, “I’m starving!”

Kidding, kidding.

I DO love the holidays – ’tis the season when 3 months of forced christmarketing bears fruit; the five pounds of belly padding finally shed from Thanksgiving matched with noggy booze drinks, chocolates, and a myriad of meats; people ceding churlishness to fleeting merriment and soon, the simple task of grocery shopping will no longer be a roundhouse kick to the mental gonads.

I’ve been thinking about how to give back this year; how to spread some random acts of holiday love to my fellow Columbusites. Here’s my list so far – it’s ‘just the tip’ – let me know what you think:

1. Leaving Cheer on people’s doorsteps.

front-porch copy

What says; “Love thy kith and kin…and residents of random addresses picked from the obsolete yellow pages” better than a box of powdered laundry detergent. Don’t be affiliation biased – yes hanukah is over, but pop a menorah in that bad boy, a kwanzaa cornucopia, or a festivus pole – ring the doorbell, and hide behind the nearest bush whispering “Merry Holidays, sweet stranger” with a tear in your eye.

*Warning: Cheer is flammable. Using real candles on the menorah will cause a fire storm.

west_linn_house_fire

Turkey’s done!

2. Surprise Caroling

I don’t know what it is, but traditional caroling creeps me out. Maybe it’s the garb, or the performers facial expressions – phony porno O-faces. Even the charlie brown special weirds me out at times. Where are the Peanut characters’ teeth? And why do their mouths look like upside down horse jockey hats?

a-charlie-brown-christmas

Surprise caroling is waaaaay better. Simply break into someone’s house/car, wait until they are in their most vulnerable moment; like sleeping, or on the crapper, then belt out your favorite carol in cut time.

Imagine the eager ovation, and amazing acoustics of ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing’ in a bathroom, while your vocal gift recipient showers.

Surprise Caroling

A’ one, and a’two, and a’one, two, three

*Surprise caroling may also take place in dark alleys, public restrooms, and supply closets.

3. Beard Glitter

I love getting cards packed with and/or doused in glitter. Nothing like a torrent of shiny flecks falling all over your holiday sweater, and dress pants like a waterfall of hallelujah – and later having to explain to your girlfriend why you’re covered in stripper dust.

stripper

…down through the chimney with Old St. Nip.

Amy Sedaris calls glitter the “Herpes of the craft world”. Speaking of herpes, the girl above…daddy must be proud.

Stripper dad: “She always loved arts and crafts.”

Glitter is super expensive – like, hundreds of cents, so, cut down your holiday expenditures by substituting real glitter, for beard hair.

Simply trim your beard, chop up the hairs like so much cocaine, and wallah! Write a nice holiday card, and pack that momma full of Beard Glitter and send it off to your favorite Auntie!

Don’t have a beard? Trim your head hair.

Bald? Trim your bush – it’s all the same.

4. Santa was totally here!

Santa-on-Roof-2

Make true believers out of your bastard neighbors!

On Xmas eve, when everyone is fast asleep with visions of sugar plums pissing their beds, head to the local stables, fill up a bucket or two of equine scat. When you have enough, lace up those Doc Martins, grab a ladder and make your way to the roof to distribute the horse shit all over.

Draw sleigh marks with your half-finished bottle of Johnny Walker red and stomp as hard as you can on the roof to make boot prints while drunkenly calling your cheating ex-girlfriend a HO HO HO!

If you want to make a real impact, break into the house, leave a streak of  ‘Blitzen’ chocolate on the chimney hearth, and eat every single food item in the house.

Everything.

In the morning, at first light, the children will be filled with wonder and awe while Ma and Pa figure out why their booze and medicine closet is empty, and Grandma is missing. – Mike

31 Comments Post a comment
  1. Nathaniel Hahn #

    Hahah upside down jockey helmets…that is dead on!

    December 18, 2012
    • They really do creep me out…why?

      December 18, 2012
  2. Beard glitter? Euwwww!
    You brought back memories with this one. No. Not the chick in the bathtub. BTW, that must have been sheer torture going through a lot of porn to find the perfect picture.
    I have to ask is mer, sea in French?
    Wikipedia – Mer (operating system), a fork of the MeeGo operating system
    Mer, a synonym for repeat unit in chemistry
    Mers, a people of the Kathiawar region in Saurashtra, India
    Mer, Management expense ratio
    There were more…. :)

    December 18, 2012
    • I know…ewww is right.
      It was quite easy – I googled ‘stripper glitter’ and wallah. There were a couple of pics I couldn’t work with though…

      Hahaha! Yes, mer is ‘sea’ in french. I’ve been too busy (lazy) to change it to the correct ‘Myrrh’. :) For now, I’m pseidon….soon I’ll be one of the wisemen.

      December 18, 2012
      • Hahaha! Now I get it!
        I thought maybe you could mean “meh.”
        I am looking forward to the next costume..
        Hope you are staying warm in Ohio. We are finally getting some SNOW! YES!

        December 18, 2012
      • Deliverer of ‘Meh’ totally fits.

        I should have a pick Mike’s costume contest for January….hmmm. What would you choose, Susie?

        We are, literally! It was mid-fifties yesterday with a full-on lightning storm. It’s frickin december!
        Any skiing plans yet?

        December 18, 2012
    • I totally thought you either meant meh, or I didn’t know what it meant… and was too lazy to google! Glad that’s been cleared up! ;)

      P.S. Your santa looks startled.. to the point I wonder what is happening below.

      December 19, 2012
      • Haha – and I was too lazy to fix. I realized I 1. Didn’t know what Mirrh was 2. Obviously didn’t know how to spell it.

        Santa is always watching! (he doesn’t blink)

        December 19, 2012
        • So I just looked it up… and all this time I thought it was an herb or sorts. Like sage. Geez. Thanks for helping me learn something new today.

          December 19, 2012
      • Used for embalming by the Egyptians, and also used in modern day mouthwash! Who knew!

        December 19, 2012
  3. Fish Out of Water #

    Laughter makes my incision hurt. This post was very, very bad for me, but in the best way.

    December 18, 2012
    • Oh my gosh how are you feeling? Everything go okay?
      I will write very boring,serious posts until you are healed…like, The Life and times of Franklin Pierce.

      December 18, 2012
      • Fish Out of Water #

        Nooooooooooooo!!! I’ll take incision pain to get some chuckles. It’s going slow, but it’s going. I’ve got a cane now. It’s classy.

        December 18, 2012
      • Ooooo pimp cane. Super stylish. Do you have pics of it?

        December 18, 2012
  4. Good lord, I need a laugh like this, especially this week. Well done, sir! You nearly made me spit my Christmas spice coffee all over my keyboard. :)

    December 18, 2012
    • Haha! Thank you, Meghan Johnson. Mmmm christmas spice coffee…..

      December 18, 2012
  5. HILARIOUS FUN READ! … Now …. I’m in the holiday spirit! :D

    December 18, 2012
    • Thank you, ma’am! I’m going to visit some of your adventures later tonight. Candy Canes and travel!

      December 18, 2012
  6. Ziggy with a Neck #

    For the record, “head-hair” and “bush-hair” is not the same….if it were, I would have the mane of Diana Ross. Also, there is Cheer specially formulated for Kwanza….”Cheer for Darks”. Hey-O!!

    December 18, 2012
    • Hahahaha! Like a Guatemalan jungle down there.
      Well, that wins most racist comment on roam about…

      December 18, 2012
  7. Nicely played, Mabukach! I like these ideas, yes, yes, very much. But I think some of your suggestions can be combined for maximum holiday creepers. For example, the whispering bit after depositing the Cheer + breaking into someone’s house and caroling. So, sneaking up behind someone lost at Play Station and delivering a whispered carol, followed by merry holidays, sweet stranger and then a bit of beard/pube glitter in the lap before disappearing and all they get is a glimpse of naked ass with those two santa pasties… my god, I’ve just terrified myself. Thanks for nothing.

    December 18, 2012
    • Laura, don’t back down from it – this is the greatest idea I’ve heard all week!
      It would totally make someone’s holiday having ALL FOUR AT ONCE! :)

      December 18, 2012
  8. Hahaha, I couldn’t stop laughing throughout this entire post! My favorite part is the surprise Christmas caroling. We should definitely do that this year!! :P

    December 18, 2012
    • Thanks, Vy. I’m going to test it out at work – we have a bank vault supply closet with plenty of room for a group of four or five carolers.
      Next person to get some Post-Its….it’s on. I’ll let you know how it goes!

      December 18, 2012
  9. free penny press #

    Damn, all these years of faking reindeer hoofprints in the yard for our kids I never thought of the reindeer poo.. See, they would have totally believed us then..
    Hilarious as always over here!!!

    December 19, 2012
    • Do you think I can market reindeer poo? :)

      Thanks, Lynne!

      December 19, 2012
  10. I feel like I’ve just been educated. My eyes are WIDE OPEN, and all I can see are upside jockey hats.

    Seriously, I’m thinking of buying a small box of Cheer and getting it for my dad. This is the kind of stuff that will make him guffaw, and maybe get me a few extra things in the family will.

    December 20, 2012
    • Put some Joy dishwasher soap next to the Cheer, and you’re all set (but you still have to hide in the bushes) to inherent everything.

      December 20, 2012
  11. There should be some kind of literary award for using churlishness in a sentence. Mental roundhouse kick to the gonads…the greatest description of the “holiday grocery bill” ever.

    December 31, 2012
    • Haha – thanks, Rob! I almost sent out beard cards this year…almost.

      January 1, 2013

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