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Googling ‘Bukach': The Flotsam of Name Searches

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My last name is Bukach [Boo-Kotch].

Obviously not a common one – I used to hate my surname, especially during the formative (formidable?) middle school years when I was infamously known as Mike ‘Blue-crotch’, ‘Boob-cock’, and ‘Bukkake’.

*Sidenote: I actually liked the sound of ‘Bukkake’ until a friend told me it involved lots of seamen – as in Naval Officers – back then I was more into Marines………ahem.

ExperiencedSeamen

hehe ehehehe….hehehehehehe

During high school, I grew like bamboo, shed my aviator prescription glasses, and became impervious to sophomoric nicknames (coincidentally, sophomore year). I joined track, ran away from derogatory labels like a goddamn gazelle right into the laconic ‘Buk’ [Boook] moniker, ultimately landing the prom queen as my hs squeeze and virginity eradicator.

‘Buk’ – this short-lived dabble in brevity –  piqued my interest to the meaning and history behind the Bukach surname. Was it always Bukach? Or was it hacked up at Ellis Island from something like Bukachelli, Bukachavichevsky, or Malkovich?

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Grandpa?

The hunt was shoved to the back burner until the world-wide interwebs invented this Google thing – and the other day, when I discovered it (the googles), I kind-of stalked the shit out of my surname.

The results:

1. I found most Bukach’s live in Ukraine or Belarus.

2. My great-grandfather snuck into the US through Canada from Belarus (then, a part of Russia) not long after the Bolsheviks came to power. No papers; no sign-in; no comprende.

My paternal family are illegal immigrants – which is always a great ice-breaker at parties.

Another positive –  outside of escaping a calamitous government – great-grandpa kept the Bukach name whole, as opposed to it being butchered phonetically at any US check point.

3. There’s some really weird images rendered when Googling ‘Bukach’.

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Be honest, does this pond make me look fat?

Picture 5

David Lo Pan? Points if you get the reference.

Screen Shot 2013-01-03 at 11.44.15 AM

Source Photo by David Bukach – http://www.bukachgallery.com                          Another photographer in the tribe…great.

4. I found the Eastern European/Russian Facebook – which is exactly like the regular Facebook – but you have to wait two hours in line to log-in. Hiyo!!! Communism joke! Try the veal!

The site’s called vk.com

and this is where I found my new hero, my little badass cousin –  Demyan Bukach.

As most readers know, I don’t understand Russian, so, I sort of filled in the blanks to cousin D’s back story from his Facebooksky profile:

Demyan is 10-ish, and is obviously the King of Ukraine.

Screen Shot 2013-01-03 at 11.39.45 AM

tags: racism, Spike Lee’s Nightmare, knock-off nike sandals

Demyan has a monkey named Chichi, and a girlfriend named Masha who’s European hot. She’s like 25, which means Demyan is part pimp. For their second anniversary, he bought Masha a live parrot as a bracelet.

Picture 3

I have a clothed monkey because fuck you.

Demyan recently won the ‘life award’. His prize: a slightly used turbo-charged four door sedan with a spoiler – a luxury in Ukraine.

Picture 2

On weekends, he runs ammunitions for the KGB on his 1980 Harlevsky Davidoffson. He doesn’t even wear pants he’s that badass, and his middle name is apparently ‘manifold burns’.

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Hell’s little Angel.

Demyan is really close friends with Harry Potter and Hermione Granger (hence the opening picture).

Screen Shot 2013-01-03 at 12.06.08 PM

He also has a dark side. From what I can decipher of the Cyrillic language – below is Demyan’s gang – and his mistress. The mustachioed guy in the middle is Yashu, who Demyan shanked and buried somewhere in Siberia when he forgot to feed Chichi.

The authorities never found the body; all that remained was the mustache.

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What!

Alright, I jest.

Truth is, I think my distant cousin is awesome, and I would totally grab a beer with him (in 4 years – drinking age in Ukraine is 12). Although, from the looks of Demyan’s last photo on facebook, he took a fatal spill on the slopes of his backyard.

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Down goes Frazier

Kidding again.

The guy ‘Yashu’, the real Bukach with the mustache, looks just like the rest of us Bukach’s; same ears, eyes, hair, double brow furl – he’s related somehow.

And like the properties of Jet Propulsion, I’m enamored with the workings of Technology (again). How, in this instance, technology can connect people more efficiently than an Ancestor.com, to voyeuristically dip into distant relatives’ everyday life, getting a sense of how they live, who they are, and the commonalities.

It’s a goal of mine for ’13 to connect the dots of the paternal family tree – and somewhere down the line, make an Eastern European trip out of it.

boratfilm

Hopefully it looks like this

So what about you? Any interesting family tree lines? Weird connections or names easier to trace/more unique than ‘Bukach’? – Mike

50 Comments Post a comment
  1. The family pride of being related to the guy in the pond. What marvelous lineage!

    January 8, 2013
    • Some have royal ancestry – others famous jazz musicians, not us, we’re proud of Yuri ‘Pond Scum’ Bukach.

      January 8, 2013
  2. Marti Babcock-Bukach. You could be Mike Bukach-Babcock.

    January 8, 2013
    • It’s completely interchangeable.
      I like Dr. Buk Von Michael-Cock.

      January 8, 2013
  3. Laura Hilger #

    Hilarious entry-enjoyed!

    January 8, 2013
  4. Andrew Blankenbeker #

    How many points do i get???

    Big Trouble in little China is probably in my top 3-5 all time favorite movies!!

    January 8, 2013
    • All of them! Big Trouble is definitely in my top 5.

      Seriously, why don’t we hang out more?

      January 8, 2013
      • Andrew Blankenbeker #

        I have no clue sir…we do need to hang out more!…Punch Out, Big Trouble, stunningly handsome.

        The list could go on and on

        January 8, 2013
      • Ridiculous – we’re like the same person.

        January 8, 2013
  5. I love exotic names. It sets you apart, that and your humor, odd affinity for digging up erroneous facts and proclivity for seeking out your heritage and the weird and wonderful. See what I did there? Put affinity, erroneous and proclivity in a sentence — all very cool words — to honor the Bukach heritage. Your little cousin resembles you, Mike and he seems to have the same insatiable thirst for adventure. Keep us posted and thanks for the clarification of how to pronounce your name. I always wondered…

    January 8, 2013
    • Helloooooo Brigitte!

      Goodness, I’m going to have to hit the dictionary after reading your comment – gotta bulk up my word muscles.

      Aww thanks, B. I think my last name means adventure in Russian. That, or ‘Strange Monkey’.

      Good to see you back!

      January 8, 2013
      • Thanks. Probably it means, Strange Adventurous Monkey.

        January 8, 2013
      • I really hope so.

        January 8, 2013
  6. Ben #

    I’m just happy you finally found Russian facebook. I can’t remember if we ever talked about it before, but man, I love that site!

    My father was born Wertheimer before my grandma shortened it to Werth in 1944. Something about not wanting to be too obviously German;;; though my grandpa clearly spoke with a German accent and was of Jewish descent. Go figure. Most Jews didn’t really rock last names until the 1787 law that required it in Austria-Hungary.

    The same grandma always said that the famous pianist, Rudolf Serkin was her cousin. I have no real reason to doubt her. He didn’t seem to care anyway, for in his biography, when asked about the many fans that would claim some relation, his simple response was, “of course, you are Jewish.”

    On my Gentile side, (said with the biggest Jewish accent my mid-western poser self could muster), the usual Sicilian issue came up in that Barresi was written down but could easily have been Baressi which is actually quite a difference in pronunciation. Hackenberg, my mom’s maiden name is actually some what relevant and quite simple to trace at least 400 years or so. Very prominent indeed..hehe.

    I figure any name that isn’t recently made up, must be of some relevance. Life was a bitch for thousands of years. Whatever families that were spawn worthy should have their names live on! Go Bukkake,,,er Bukach!!

    January 8, 2013
    • I think you mentioned it when I first moved to C-bus, but I just got a full dose…

      Wow, Ben. That’s some really awesome history. Have you looked up any of your peeps while taking the Opera world by storm over there?

      400 years! Good lord, I can’t even trace our families prior to the 1900’s.

      Haha – I have to going to make a ‘Go Bukkake’ tshirt on cafepress now.

      January 8, 2013
  7. Chris Alexander #

    My last name is Alexander, but I was brought up to believe my last name should be Rutter. I was told my paternal grandfather took on his father by adoption’s name (Alexander) during his teen years out of respect for being his “true father”. Anyways about a month ago my dad tells me that after talking to some relatives my paternal great-grandfather actually took on the surname Rutter from his wife and wasn’t born a Rutter, so now I have no idea what my last name should be! All I know is that I still have Rutter blood in my veins. “Rutter” is actually one of my nicknames a common surname in SE Ohio and the word “rutter” is commonly used as a pejorative for lower class folks down around Athens to this day.

    January 8, 2013
    • Whoa, that’s pretty bizarre, Chris – you can feasibly make-up any last name you want, and it would be true…like Kosar or something.
      I did not know that about the Rutter name. Local vernacular is fascinating.

      January 8, 2013
  8. Fish Out of Water #

    My maiden name is the same as one of the James Bonds, so whenever I do a generic google search of it I just get crap about him. And in totally odd random factoid news, my dad has a cousin with the same name. In his hometown there is a funeral home with my dad’s name on it. It makes me slightly uncomfortable and gives me the church giggles.

    January 8, 2013
    • I hope it’s one of the good Bonds….
      So, they have the same exact first and last name? Weird.
      Oh man, that would totally creep me out – ever since watching Phantasm funeral homes make me nervous – can’t imagine having the surname slapped on there.

      January 8, 2013
      • Fish Out of Water #

        Yeah the same first and last name. When we were kids and visiting his neighborhood one time he warned us before we drove up on it. It was creepy.

        January 8, 2013
  9. My paternal ancestors were actually thrown out of Ireland for stealing sheep back in the 1800’s. Knowing most of my fathers extended family this totally makes sense. Have fun delving into your families past!

    January 8, 2013
    • Hahaha! That’s awesome. I don’t think i’ve ever heard of people getting exiled for stealing sheep…
      Thanks, andthreetogo!

      January 8, 2013
  10. Yay BlueCrotch! I’m a visual person and I just can’t scrape that one from the recesses of my brain. Back where clothed monkeys and legless turkeys also dwell. I too have a strange-in-the-US last name –Bruzzese (disease, bruise-easy, buzzby, etc)–but in Italy it’s fairly synonymous with “from the Abruzzo wine region,” and “if you kill someone vindicating a crime against your wife and have to suddenly flee for the promised land, change your last name to this because they’ll never find you.” That’s what happened. Really. Can’t tell the rest because it’s a buried family secret. Involving violent and violated Italians. тайна

    January 8, 2013
    • oh, shoot, I didn’t realize I was logged in to my work WP acct. So, the above is from me, not nmcap!

      January 8, 2013
      • I gotcha.
        I feel so honored to be in the same brain compartment as Demyan’s clothed monkey.:)

        Holy Shit, you have like a real life Godfather thing going on. That’s awesome!
        You should write a book about the family scandal under the pseudonym Laura Secrettsy.

        January 8, 2013
        • Thanks for the great book idea! Although that pseudonym would likely become, a la your high school experience, “Laura Secreter” or “Secretions” or “Easy Secretie”… you get the idea. So, it may as well be Laura Suspicious Bodily Functions. I just talked myself out of the project.

          January 8, 2013
      • Hahahahaha – i would absolutely read a book by Laura S. Bodily-Functions. Will help ghost write!

        January 8, 2013
  11. I hope you keep us up to date on Demyan’s adventures as master of all things Bukach-related. He seems like a fun kid who will no doubt be our overlord in the near future. His mistresses are hot, so I’ll follow him!

    January 8, 2013
    • Absolutely will. This week, I believe he’s dabbling in money laundering with the Russian Mob, but had to clean his room first (this is what I’m reading from the pics anyway).
      There’s another pic of him sparring with Putin, so your Overlord claims are spot on – kid’s gonna be huge.
      Agreed – any girl with a live parrot bracelet is hot.

      January 8, 2013
      • When I was single, my online dating ad specified only girls with parrot bracelets need respond. I have standards.

        January 8, 2013
      • But of course! And a pocket full of crackers.

        January 8, 2013
  12. Love everything about this post. “have the veal!” I look forward to reading more and good for you for backtracking.

    My last name is O’Connor. It’s Irish. I guess we all knew that.

    January 8, 2013
    • We shall see what the Bukach trail holds. To Be Continued….

      Hahaha, yeah, that seem pretty easy to follow. The original O’Connor must have been the Genghis Kahn of Ireland…

      January 8, 2013
  13. DAMN! I so wanted to be the first one to make a Bukkake joke. You always steal the good lines.

    January 9, 2013
    • I’m the facial of comedy writing.

      January 9, 2013
  14. It must have been a challenge at times, growing up with a last name that lent itself to all kinds of naughty variations. I like the idea of having an unusual and/or ethnic last name. My last name is Irish in origin but it’s so insanely common that it isn’t interesting. Your family stories are good ones too, what with the illegal immigration and the escaping from the Bolsheviks. Those are what make great family history tales. Enjoy, Mr. Bukach!

    January 9, 2013
    • It was sort of like a boy named Sue….

      I always thought your last name was Weebles – well, in my head it will always be Weebles. Thank you, Madame.

      January 10, 2013
  15. My last name means a flower…but my last name also has many meanings. As someone who’s first language was English, I thought that my last name meant “digger” for the longest time. So gold digger…? Or grave digger…? Either way, kinda strange/no bueno.

    January 11, 2013
    • Grave Digger’s pretty cool. Sounds like a pro-wrestler, or a monster truck.

      Are you a monster truck?

      January 11, 2013
  16. My two favorite Communist jokes are from Milan Kundera:
    1) A man comes home angrier than usual after standing in bread and vegetable lines all morning. He starts to leave again, and his wife asks him where he’s going. He says he’s going to kill the president. He returns hours later, dejected and with a look of ultimate defeatism. Wife asks him what happend. “The line was too long,” he tells her.
    2) A man is walking across Wenceslaus Square in Prague and comes across a man bent over with his hands on his knees…he’s vomiting. Kundera’s character pats him in the back and says, “I know just how you feel.”
    Kundera tells them better, but hopefully you get the idea. Later….

    January 14, 2013
    • Bwahaha – I’m a big fan of numbers 1! (said in my best Yakov Smirnoff impersonation).

      January 14, 2013
  17. I was trying to read this one at work today and had to stop because I couldn’t contain my laughter. By the way, I really think you need a “Bukkake” tattoo. I know a guy.

    January 15, 2013
    • Thank you, Daniel. It’ll go great with my small peninsula tat. Every hot spring in japan will love me…

      January 15, 2013
  18. Another weird funny blog! lol… I like Ur article! I’ll be back reading more! Greetings :)

    February 15, 2013
    • Thanks for stopping by! Looking forward to seeing you around.

      February 15, 2013
  19. hello, Mike… been digging up some in your past, huh? quite interesting things you found… :) hey, the cousin looks like he’s kickin’ up some asses this early, hah. am thinking his FB page sizzles a little louder than yours, hehehe. btw, i haven’t been bloghopping much lately. good to visit again. warm regards… :) ~ San

    February 20, 2013
    • Hey San, it’s been a while. How have you been?

      Yep, digging up some family history. It’s true, he is WAY cooler than I’ll ever be. Good to see you around, I’ll make it over to your blog very soon.

      February 21, 2013

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