Juicing With Pavlov
A juice diary in 10 days.
Day 1: Just used the Omega J8006 juicer I got for xmas! It’s like the red rider bb gun of juicers – something I’ve wanted for a very long time.
The health benefits absolutely outweigh the tedium of washing sixty pulp-covered machine components every juice run, but I digress. Feeling awesome!! Juice up!!
Day 2: I’ve already juiced beets, celery, limes, lemons, oranges, carrots, steak, two midgets, and a pencil.
Broke out in hives today. I say hives, but really it was a mutiny of hives that formed one giant right-side-of-my-face-enveloping hive.
It itched like H-E double fucking hockey sticks, and Marti and I were on our way to the grocery store, so I had to sit in line looking like Bear Grylls after he got stung by a bee (an eerie humanization of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh).
Turns out, per the interwebs, my body was getting rid of toxins in the form of a giant skin tomato. Awesome! Thanks, Juicer!!! Three exclamations!!!
Day 3: I write today’s entry from the toilet, having some adverse side effects from juicing.
WARNING: Juicing may cause recreation of Mt. Vesuvius in pants at inopportune times – like, 4- miles out during a run. Craving red meat….
sent from my iPhone
Day 4: Got in argument with Marti, think I’m possibly “juice hoarding”:
Marti goes to throw away paper towel.
“What do you think you’re doing?” – Me
“Throwing away a paper tow…”
“Are you insane? There’s juice in there!!!”
“There’s no juice in paper towels!”
“Tell that to Brawny!”
“Uhh, his name isn’t Brawny, he’s just a generic lumberjack logo for….”
“Juice him! His nutrients taste like Maple Syrup Bacon!”
Day 5: Feeling a little loopy. Maybe i didn’t wash those beets enough…I’ll let you pick the concurrent madness to physical affliction:
- Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings
- Every time a white lab coat walks in the room Pavlov’s Dogs salivate
3. Every time I drink juice, I have to poop. Like, right now.
Instead of salivating for Pavlov’s bell(s), my brain initiates an urgent peristalsis, agitating the southernmost sphincter like a gasping carp.
Apparently my body isn’t used to healthiness. Either that, or Marti has been plopping Metamucil into the juicer, creating a – to quote Johnny Cash; “Ring of Fire.”
Day 6: Had to excuse myself from conversation at a party after drinking a beet/celery rum mix. Friends Mark, and Nate were asking how I like juicing.
The word “Joos” wasn’t completely formulated, and I had to go. Something’s wrong. I have a conditioned response…
Day 7: You don’t want to know.
Day 8: Googling from the bathroom the last two days – WebMD says side-effects of juicing are as follows: diarrhea, rash, flushing (of toilets AND skin), nausea, the inability to pronounce J’s, werewolf tendencies, loose foreskin, man tits, sensitivity to the color purple, aggression towards old people, 7 hour erections, and Chinese Buffet cravings.
Every time the doorbell rings, I end up back in here.
sent from my iPhone
Day 9: Woke up naked in the produce aisle at the grocery store, again. Vegetables violently strewn about – covered in juice…it was a horrible scene, Manson Family-esque. Assistant manager called the police, but I grabbed a brown Forever Lazy sweat pants suit off an end cap, and blended in with the shuffling customers. Bought more vegetables, and fruit
Day 10: Juicing has been so awesome! I can’t recommend it enough! I’ve gained 13 pounds, lost my left ring finger, and can’t find my car, but it’s been soooo worth it. – Mike