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Juicing With Pavlov

Ivan

A juice diary in 10 days.

Day 1: Just used the Omega J8006 juicer I got for xmas!  It’s like the red rider bb gun of juicers – something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

The health benefits absolutely outweigh the tedium of washing sixty pulp-covered machine components every juice run, but I digress. Feeling awesome!! Juice up!!

Day 2: I’ve already juiced beets, celery, limes, lemons, oranges, carrots, steak, two midgets, and a pencil.

Broke out in hives today. I say hives, but really it was a mutiny of hives that formed one giant right-side-of-my-face-enveloping hive.

It itched like H-E double fucking hockey sticks, and Marti and I were on our way to the grocery store, so I had to sit in line looking like Bear Grylls after he got stung by a bee (an eerie humanization of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh).

378984

Oh Pooh

Turns out, per the interwebs, my body was getting rid of toxins in the form of a giant skin tomato. Awesome! Thanks, Juicer!!! Three exclamations!!!

Day 3:  I write today’s entry from the toilet, having some adverse side effects from juicing.

WARNING: Juicing may cause recreation of Mt. Vesuvius in pants at inopportune times – like, 4- miles out during a run. Craving red meat….

sent from my iPhone

Day 4:  Got in argument with Marti, think I’m possibly “juice hoarding”:

Marti goes to throw away paper towel.

“What do you think you’re doing?” – Me

“Throwing away a paper tow…”

“Are you insane? There’s juice in there!!!”

“There’s no juice in paper towels!”

“Tell that to Brawny!”

brawny-old

“Uhh, his name isn’t Brawny, he’s just a generic lumberjack logo for….”

“Juice him! His nutrients taste like Maple Syrup Bacon!”

Day 5: Feeling a little loopy.  Maybe i didn’t wash those beets enough…I’ll let you pick the concurrent madness to physical affliction:

  1. Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings
  2. Every time a white lab coat walks in the room Pavlov’s Dogs salivate

pdog

3. Every time I drink juice,  I have to poop. Like, right now.

Instead of salivating for Pavlov’s bell(s), my brain initiates an urgent peristalsis, agitating the southernmost sphincter like a gasping carp.

Apparently my body isn’t used to healthiness. Either that, or Marti has been plopping Metamucil into the juicer, creating a – to quote Johnny Cash; “Ring of Fire.”

Day 6:  Had to excuse myself from conversation at a party after drinking a beet/celery rum mix.  Friends Mark, and Nate were asking how I like juicing.

The word “Joos” wasn’t completely formulated, and I had to go. Something’s wrong. I have a conditioned response…

Day 7: You don’t want to know.

Day 8: Googling from the bathroom the last two days – WebMD says side-effects of juicing are as follows: diarrhea, rash, flushing (of toilets AND skin), nausea, the inability to pronounce J’s, werewolf tendencies, loose foreskin, man tits, sensitivity to the color purple, aggression towards old people, 7 hour erections, and Chinese Buffet cravings.

Every time the doorbell rings, I end up back in here.

sent from my iPhone

Day 9: Woke up naked in the produce aisle at the grocery store, again. Vegetables violently strewn about – covered in juice…it was a horrible scene, Manson Family-esque. Assistant manager called the police, but I grabbed a brown Forever Lazy sweat pants suit off an end cap, and blended in with the shuffling customers. Bought more vegetables, and fruit

forever lazy 2

Day 10: Juicing has been so awesome! I can’t recommend it enough! I’ve gained 13 pounds, lost my left ring finger, and can’t find my car, but it’s been soooo worth it. – Mike

53 Comments Post a comment
  1. The horror…the horror…
    Good luck on your recovery and eventual re-integration to normalcy.

    January 15, 2013
    • Thank you, I hope it’s a smooth(ie) transaction.
      Oh-hohoho!

      January 15, 2013
  2. Hahaha! Juice on my friend, juice on….

    January 15, 2013
    • I will, susie. I will. Got any good recipes for me?

      January 15, 2013
      • Um. Nope. But my friend brought a Swiss chard and fruit blend to book club one time. It looked like seaweed, but tasted pretty dang good!

        It sounds like you need more fiber in your diet.. :)

        January 15, 2013
      • Interesting – I’ll have to buy some swiss chard, add some newspaper for fiber.

        January 15, 2013
      • apple carrot beet ginger (and if you want greens kale, chlorella, or spirulina?) stronger on the sweeter stuff

        January 25, 2013
      • Mmm, sounds nums. Thanks for the recipe!

        January 27, 2013
  3. jan bukach #

    Oh my goodness you are too funny. Made me laugh outloud. Don’t think the swelling was due to the fact you get reactions from certain vegies? Glad you are enjoying your gift :)

    January 15, 2013
    • Probably – either that or you poisoned the damn thing…
      Of course I’m kidding. I love the juicer, and it’s amazing. Thanks!

      January 15, 2013
  4. Ring of fire…bahahaha. Now I want to watch Walk the Line and juice Joaquin Phoenix.

    January 15, 2013
  5. Dear Gawd, Mike…stop the madness. I was thinking of doing this but the fear of loose foreskinand man boobs have made me reconsider. Who needs that?

    January 15, 2013
    • I know, first coffee now this. I’m a glutton for punishment. I have to go find some man-bras.

      January 15, 2013
  6. Nathaniel Hahn #

    JOOOOOOOSE!

    January 15, 2013
  7. Chris #

    I feel your pain(?). Got the same model around Christmas and the first few juice days resulted in immediate bathroom trips. Carrie has all the hot recipes if you want them. I’m into anything containing carrots, because juicing them has a very pleasant crunching sound. Cabbage is also fun to juice. I don’t recommend drinking it, though.

    January 15, 2013
    • I think I’m ready for a second round, Chris. So, bring the Kale/beet/chard/parsley/lemon goodness.

      Funny, doing the same thing with Carrots – it’s very zen…ommmm. Love cabbage, but Yeah. We should have a juicer night…byotp.

      January 15, 2013
  8. Totally hilarious! … gas-ping carp. Good one. Carpe Diem (or Carpe Anus, as the case may be. Behind.). Are you on a juice “fast,” or just adding it into your normal diet? I’ve been warned about juice “fasts”… pretty much what you’re experiencing, i.e., don’t wander far from a toilet, and on the last day, be prepared to witness excretions from your body that you thought only existed in offal bars. Good luck!

    January 15, 2013
    • Just adding to a normal diet, there’s no way in hell i could give up solid foods, i would kill someone.
      Fasting ain’t natural, but neither is juicing pencils and midgets I guess.
      Thanks!

      January 15, 2013
  9. phillybookpicks #

    Love your article, thanks for posting.

    January 15, 2013
  10. This is pretty much what I would expect a 10-day juice diet to entail. But what kind of pencils did you juice? The type you use can really make a big difference, you know.

    January 15, 2013
    • #2 pencils, hiyo!
      Really, I’m not sure – i just sort of zoned out in a juicing zen for awhile. Can’t find my cat…

      January 15, 2013
  11. But I bet you were finally (finally!) able to fit into that pair of jeans you got from the 14-16 boys’ section at Baby Gap. Am I right? Am I right?

    January 15, 2013
    • It’s like we’re surfing the exact same sine wave. They fit like a glove (in a good way).

      January 15, 2013
      • If you pants fit like a glove, that’s a problem because, like, what do you do with those other three legs?

        January 15, 2013
      • Two sleeves and a trunk warmer.

        January 16, 2013
  12. I have done cleanses off and on for the past 6 years. Each time I do one I say I’ll never do it again. Then I watch that evil do-gooder Dr. Oz, and I feel it necessary to do a juice cleanse. The longest I’ve ever done one is 30 days. I lost 12 pounds, a relationship, my friends, my job and my back hair.

    Day 3-4 I’m an absolutely nightmare. I’ve been known to go into an obscenity-spewing state where I become slightly homicidal. Day 4-6 is spent on the toilet giving birth to everything I ate for the last 3 years.

    January 15, 2013
    • Holy shit, 30 days? No wonder you lost your friends – everyone loves back hair.

      Hahaha! Yeah. I didn’t even fast and was giving birth. Maybe it was the taco bell I ate right before.

      January 16, 2013
  13. Hilarious!

    January 16, 2013
  14. Did a blog really just make me laugh out loud?! Good god, juicers sound evil. Can’t wait to try my new one!

    January 16, 2013
    • Good luck, S Wave – you’ll want to hire an old priest, and a young priest to exercise the juice demons before having at it.

      January 16, 2013
  15. I couldn’t get past loose foreskin and 7 hour erections. Do those things work together well? Pleasure or pain? I can’t quite figure out if it’s functionally satisfying (to owner and/or recipient) or horrifying (to look at and/or live with).

    January 16, 2013
    • It’s the aesthetic that really sucks the mood out of the moment.
      Horrifyingly satisfying.

      January 17, 2013
  16. A lot of laughing and cringing and “oh yesssss I can relate ” thoughts went on as I read that !
    Hilarious read !!!

    January 17, 2013
    • So, you’ve juiced as well?
      Thanks so much!

      January 17, 2013
      • Oh yeah, I’ve dabbled in a bit of juicing over the years !
        I don’t know that my um side effects (?) were quite as extreme, but they were some definite similarities – I think my body went into shock after what had been a chocolate red wine and cocktail diet !
        I now stick to a daily green smoothie – I think my body finally adapted ! I

        January 17, 2013
      • Why would you give up the chocolate, red wine and cocktail diet? Sounds awesome – you could mix it all up together with the green smoothie.
        Kidding, stories like yours give me hope in this juicing thing.

        January 19, 2013
  17. she-sus feckin’ christ this was funny. like really feckin’ funny. i hope you’ve stopped that juicing. i did it with wifesy and i wanted to die, kill everyone, and eat a baby, but i did lose ten lbs. loool. sweet potatoes. you can juice them… i’m not kidding… xo, sm

    January 17, 2013
    • Haha, thanks Mom. I’m easing my way into it now – baby steps. Speaking of babies, i wasn’t craving baby, but I did have an extended conversation about going cannibal at one point.
      Didn’t know sweet potatoes had juice! Now i know what I’m doing this weekend….

      January 18, 2013
  18. My wife & my chiropractor made me watch fat sick & nearly dead, a decent documentary about juicing. I smiled & lyingly told my chiropractor I’d try it. So far I’ve successfully thwarted the wife’s attempt to buy a juicer. It’s only a matter of time though. Perhaps there’s a prime rib smoothie diet. Anyways I smell popcorn now. Off to forage for food.

    January 17, 2013
    • Never heard of that doc., looks interesting. When you do start juicing, just make sure a toilet is nearby at all times.
      Rib smoothie sounds awesome – I think you’re on to something. BBQ Steak shake mmmm

      January 18, 2013
  19. HILARIOUS! your writing, not the hives … Thanks for the warnings, I’ll think twice before juicing!

    January 19, 2013
  20. Brad #

    As someone who was juicing regularly for a long time, (and has recently let up a bit,) I can confirm ‘der be juice in ‘dem paper towels!

    January 29, 2013
  21. Sooo we should totally share recipes one of these days ;)

    Best,
    Phoebe

    http://www.threeteaspoonsaday.com

    February 1, 2013
    • Absolutely. I’ve got a great steak and fries juice recipe I can give you. :)

      February 2, 2013

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