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I Love You, Man

Roam About Le Clown

A message from Mike: This guest post is written by blogger superstar Le Clown, from A Clown on Fire. I still don’t know how I managed to get him to do this, but I am excited that he kindly accepted. Le Clown, I owe you a big one… This post is more of a marathon than a sprint. It will take a few reads to be fully savored. Let go of your guns and turn off your television sets, my American patriots, just like I did when I typed this preface—my main man and role model Charlie Sheen can wait—and enjoy true art, for once. Your pal, Mike. 

*******************

I met Mike back in 2009, during my first trip to Cleveland. Around the end of our vacation, we stopped by Ambiance, the Store for Lovers, to visit the owner, and our friend, Jennifer. When I initially saw Mike, he was looking at Ben Wa balls from the exclusive Eartha Kitt collection—he would later reveal that he had been training his anus with these balls, to loosen it up, something about being less of an ass, if I remember correctly… As we were in Ohio, I thought I had stumbled upon The National‘s Bryan Devendorf, but as anyone who knows Mike will tell you, at 5’4”, he’s way too short to be anywhere close to The National’s drummer towering god-like magnificence™ (from what I have gathered from my years of knowing Mike, he isn’t much into The National anyway, but into my Canadian peers, Nickelback. Mike’s quest to look like lead vocalist Chad Kroeger has been an incessant one throughout the years). So we chatted, about the Catwoman venus balls, about the night out he was planning that same evening with his friends to Cleveland’s Christie’s Cabaret, while his girlfriend was in Riverside County, California hoping to meet one of the leaders of the Church of Scientology to inquire about joining their ranks. It was an eventful chat, and our friendship solidified itself right there, at that very moment, between Jack Rabbit vibrators and Paris Hilton blow-up dolls.

The Eartha Kitt Ben Wa Balls

The Special Edition Eartha Kitt Ben Wa Balls purchased by Mike.

Mike couldn’t fly to Montreal when our daughter Tiny Geek was born in 2010—he was winning his battle with forniphilia, and a trip to La Belle Ville (the Beautiful City) could jeopardize his recovery. Mike is a class act, any of his friends will tell you the same thing (even though Mike regrets emptying the open bar by himself at his BFF Brandon’s wedding, and subsequently trying to have sexual intercourse with the wedding cake knife), so he sent us a card from his favourite movie Twilight, something about imprinting on our newborn daughter as they were destined for each other, à la Jacob and Renesmee—the pinnacle of modern romance, according to Mike. Somehow, the card never made it, and I blame the recycling trash bin.

Team Jacob

Mike’s Comic Sans card to our baby girl.

As some of my readers know, I married my soulmate Sara on September 10, 2011. Mike and his lovely—and much taller—girlfriend, Marti, joined the festivities. Before their departure, Mike recalls reading on the US internet (which is radically different than our much more polite Canadian version, which is also gun-less and welcomes all visible minorities) that the mosquitoes in Canada were the size of polar bears. Mike smuggled his arsenal through our borders (the Canadian border guards didn’t think much of Mike, being that he is shorter than Tom Cruise). When he realized our bilingual mosquitoes were the same size as the American speaking mosquitoes, Mike drowned his sorrow by guzzling all the free booze, and vented his frustrations by shooting the protected species of herons resting safely at the Park national d’Oka, where our wedding was taking place. (Mike, I never sent you the thank you card for your contribution to the wedding potluck. Even though no one touched your shark fin soup and bushmeat, your thoughtfulness was appreciated).

Hunters

Found on Mike’s Facebook with the caption: Hunting socialists and other threats to freedom!!

Mike we’ve been through so much together, I feel as close to you as penguins to Santa, or as Dennis Rodman to current affairs. I love you, man.

Post Scriptum: Mike sent me this postcard from North Korea. At the back was the message: “Soylent Green will cure us from the United States citizens“… I don’t get it.

This radiant postcard glows in the dark.

Mike, Kim Jong-un and family, by the nuclear-powered baby nursery in North Korea. —March 2013.

87 Comments Post a comment
  1. I love that Canadian Internet!

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Steph,
      We Canadians like to stay close to our internet as it also keeps us warm during our excruciatingly cold winters.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  2. Nathaniel Hahn #

    Awesome! Mike does love Twilight and Comic Sans – only thing he might like better then both combined is Papyrus font – I think it makes him feel tall! Great post Le Clown!

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Nathaniel,
      I’ve heard great stories about you and Mike. Like the time he took that magnificent™ picture of you, where you are facing the cold and the wild untamed forest in your cowboy hat and bag pack, but he couldn’t wait to go back home and watch Jerry Maguire. I love Mike so dearly.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  3. A truly heartwarming tale…xoxoM

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Margarita,
      Heartwarming being a truly appropriate word to describe this tale, like the warm blood of the recently killed pandas, which Mike enjoys hunting on weekend mornings when he is abroad, or visiting US zoos. He offered me a few bottles of dead panda blood in the past, as a token of his friendship, as he has such a generous soul.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  4. Le Clown, I’ve often thought Mike’s petite size would make him the perfect side chest. So glad to know that he survived the Canadian mosquitos although I was surprised to learn there were mosquitos were even there. American ones tend to prefer warm, sticky climates.

    Funny, funny post. Mike will be proud.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Brigitte,
      It’s an acute observation you make about Mike liking this post, and feeling proud. But also about our mosquitoes. Their presence among us is short: they only live during Summer, which we all know, lasts only one week in Canada.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  5. Le Clown,
    Ben Wa balls, okay, Chad Kroeger look-alike, totally uncool. Le Clown, you are a true Canadian friend to stick around that nastiness. I will be express posting Mike (c/o Ambiance Store for Lovers) an Avril Lavingne CD circa 2010ish to see if it helps Mike get into Chad’s head a little deeper and abandon this mad quest. I’ll send one to you too if you wish to complete your collection (c/o Montreal’s Exclusive Sex Shop for Clowns and Peter Pan’s Lost Boys)?
    Denmother

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Denmother,
      You truly are a magnanimous cougar. I will accept your Avril Lavigne cd, and it shall be played in this joyous household as punishment, when my daughter will listen to 30 Seconds to Mars with Mike, for example (which is another band loved by my American bestie, but I don’t judge).
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  6. Cleveland has never been the same since Le Clown’s visit. They’re still talking about it on the local news. And parents are still warning their children…

    March 26, 2013
    • But the kids don’t heed it. They know Le Clown is where it’s at.

      March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Carrie,
      I must admit that seeing hobbits like Mike was unsettling when I first visited Cleveland. Being exposed to any hobbit induces severe boredom, especially the Peter Jackson kind of hobbits. But my recent trip to Cleveland with you restored my faith in the Rock and Roll Capital of the World, minus Eric Carmen, quite obviously, which is yet another singer adored by Mike.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  7. As always, I am in awe of Le Clown’s talents for slinging prose, but I’ll say this: Mike is one lucky bastard. I could use a blogger of Le Clown’s talents on my blog while I channel my energies elsewhere.
    As for this post, you had me until the Twilight reference, but the Eartha Kitt Ben Wa Balls were pure blogging gold, so you’re forgiven.
    Good work. you clown.
    The Hook.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      The Hook,
      Le Clown, like your magnificence™, could live without Twilight, and its glorification of pedophilia. But Le Clown accepts people from all walks of life, even the short hairy ones like Mike, who would rather get a Bella the Eternal Forever tattoo than a Marti is Fucking Awesome one. To each his own, I say, or live and let them be crass.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • Le Clown,
        You’re a good man – for a clown.
        The Hook.

        March 26, 2013
  8. This was a super funny post, Le Clown, but the comments and your replies are even better! Thanks for the laugh when I needed it. And who the fuck goes to Cleveland for a holiday?

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      He Who,
      We have family in Cleveland, therefore we are the fucks who enjoys holidays in the Forest City… It isn’t as half bad as it sound… It’s somewhere between Albuquerque and Flint…
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • I used to send horses to race at Thistledown in Cleveland. It was a three hour car trip from Buffalo. My favorite part of the trip (damn horses never won when I was there) was going to Denny’s for breakfast.

        March 26, 2013
  9. I hate to break this to you, but…SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      The Cutter,
      So… Americans are people?
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  10. writerwendyreid #

    Not sure if vulgar language is acceptable here or not so it’s taking me awhile to come up with a fairly clean comment. You outdid yourself Le Clown. This Mike sounds like he’s got his shit together…I mean, anyone who watches Twilight and stretches his anus for fun is okay in my books. And I have a Paris Hilton blow up doll too. I use the immense storage space to house my collection of 52 pairs of shoes.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Wendy,
      I knew that as a fine connoisseur of Fine Arts, you would appreciate this post. Unfortunately, Mike did not purchase the Paris Hilton blow-up doll, but went back a few years later to buy the Just-In Beaver loved doll. Mike makes me proud to be Canadian.

      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • writerwendyreid #

        I want a Beaver doll. My strap-on has cobwebs.

        March 26, 2013
        • Le Clown #

          Wendy,
          If you’re not disdainful, Mike might share his with you. I’ve never met anyone as generous as Mike.
          Le Clown

          March 26, 2013
          • Wendy, I am pretty sure Mike encourages vulgar language and he is also into sharing. Beaver fever!

            March 26, 2013
            • Le Clown #

              Marti,
              Best gravatar on the blogosphere. Ever.
              Le Clown

              March 26, 2013
  11. Comic sans and paedophilia belong together.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Sara,
      It’s a scientific fact, just like Philip Seymour Hoffman and being gay belong together.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  12. I feel very unsettled looking at those balls. But on the bright side, I am also 5’4″! I have something in common with a man named Mike in Japan, weeeeeeeeee!

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Becca,
      Mike is actually 5’3” 3/4. Which makes you taller, and probably, cooler, which is not to take anything away from Mike, as he has other qualities, like good taste for being a huge fan of my blog.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • Does he also put your blog up his anus?

        March 26, 2013
        • Le Clown #

          Becca,
          Only when he wants to be 6-feet and stand tall like Le Clown.
          Le Clown

          March 26, 2013
  13. I’m writing about you boys today, too. And I would have appreciated the opportunity to like this in two places but you took away that right from me. Socialist! xo

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Maggie,
      This means I will head over to your blog. As for Mike, I am not so sure. His girlfriend Marti usually reads for him, and writes most of his posts… One can only hope they are together today.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  14. That’s racist!

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Brent,
      Ok… So American mosquitoes also speak Spanish.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  15. Oh man… just oh man… maybe wow… yeah, okay, wow too… and holy crap… I should throw in a holy crap.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Arthur,
      I ellipsis your comment, too.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  16. Holy shit that was funny, in an informative and sexy way. My mother always said, “If you’re going to buy Ben Wa balls, The Eartha Kitt Collection is the way to go.’

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Bill,
      Did I tell you that the “Imprinting” card was “pee” scented? At least, that’s what our recycling trash bin told us…
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • Well it did go through the US Postal Service, and that place has been in the toilet for years.

        March 26, 2013
  17. My head is spinning! Eartha Kitt benwa balls and twilight imprinting makes me want to take a shower with a Brillo pad.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Adrienne,
      I myself would have preferred Julie Newmar Ben Wa balls, but who am I to dispute a hobbit’s taste..?
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  18. Le Clown,
    This post reads like windowpane on a hot summer day; not that I would know about such things. Stranger still, my flashback brain can make sense of it. What?
    Red

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Red,
      I fear your comment might be confusing to Mike. Marti will probably make sense of it, and explain to Mike by making colourful paint-by-numbers images.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  19. Fish Out of Water #

    I just realized that every time I read a piece of yours it is narrated in a French accent in my head. Thanks for enlightening me on Mike’s….ahem….finer characteristics.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Fish,
      I hope the narration sounds like Morgan Freeman, too.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • Fish Out of Water #

        More like John Cleese, but maybe I can change it.

        March 26, 2013
  20. Le Clown, you know I love reading your stories and this was no exception. A trip down memory lane is always fun! Have to say, the Beaver Doll scared the crap out of me. I need a moment to find my insanity back.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      TJ,
      Justin Bieber is scary per se. Anything derived from him will be nothing less than creepy.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  21. I’m kind of disappointed that he was using the Eartha Kitt balls, instead of the Julie Newmar ones. Were they cheaper? Is that the explanation?

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Le Calahan,
      Money doesn’t seem to be a factor for Mike… I gather from this blog that his world trek doesn’t come cheap. Mike loves Eartha’s voice, especially when she purrs. Mike, being a very rich white Republican, enjoys supporting visible minorities, and their products. You should see his Don’t Call Me Cassius Clay – The Parkinson Vibrating Edition giant black dildo.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  22. Le Clown and Mike obviously have a true life long bromance. Cherish it boys as this type of relationship is hard to come by and will see you through some of life’s worse crap. Your other “friends” will be long gone but once you have imprinted on someone’s daughter they are yours forever.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Michelle,
      Mike never ended up imprinting on our daughter. The card—from what I gathered from the urine smell was sprayed on before being sent—made it directly to our recycling trash been. However, our 6 year old female cat did have whiff of it, and has been rubbing herself since on my computer screen each time Mike is displayed.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
  23. I am trying to imprint on my daughter that any boy brave enough to date her should be associated with an image of her father holding a very large shotgun. She informed me that as she will be blackbelt ninja by the age of 12 I should not worry unduly about her virtue being compromised. How does she even know what virtue is? She also discovered Justin Bieber today, although she refers to him as “That Beaver Singer”. Perhaps I should buy her the doll in lieu of her ever having date (refer shotgun toting father)? Do they ship to South Africa?

    PS: Our mosquitoes are bigger than yours. Way bigger. Like Killer Mosquitoes.

    March 26, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Victoria,
      As a Canadian, it is my duty to protect your daughter from Justin Bieber, not because he is a naughty young man, but because I feel compelled to protect her from mediocrity.
      Le Clown

      March 26, 2013
      • I feel the same way. Not a lot of bands come down our way, but this year we have the Bieb, Bon Jovi and Metallica. I said I’d take her to Metallica. Their leather pants may be indecently tight, but at least I don;t have to see their tighty whities. Of course, with pants that thight they probably aren’t wearing tighty whities.

        March 26, 2013
  24. I came for Le Clown and stayed for Le Nickleback

    March 27, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Daile,
      Nickleback is our secret weapon to lure new immigrants to Canada.
      Le Clown

      March 27, 2013
  25. I used to be in love with Mike, and then you exposed the dirty secret of his attempt to look like Chad Kroeger. I feel like I don’t know him anymore…

    March 27, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Jen,
      It would be too easy to say that you love too easily (easy being the keyword here), but you have a kind and benevolent heart. I like to think that it is Chad Kroeger who wants to look like my BFF4EVS™, but Chad’s way too tall… or Mike is way too short, which sounds better.
      Le Clown

      March 27, 2013
    • Jen,

      If I told you the Nickleback look was for a pedophile convention would it change your mind?

      April 4, 2013
  26. Dearest Le Clown,
    I have learned so many new facets to who ‘Mike’ is, and for that, I thank you. Your Ambiance gift card is currently in the mail, along with the borrowed Ben Wa balls (minus one, still looking for it. Sorry?)
    And just a correction, I’m 5’1″, not 5’3″ – like a tripod, with good hair.

    April 4, 2013
    • Le Clown #

      Mike,
      I’m busy doing nothing right now. Please bother me some other time.
      Le Clown

      April 4, 2013
      • Apologies. Do you have Nickelback hold music while I wait?

        April 4, 2013
        • Le Clown #

          Mike,
          No. I have good taste.
          Le Clown

          April 4, 2013
          • Creed then. They’re Canadian too. And Amy Grant, and Celine Dion, and DeBarge.

            April 4, 2013
  27. Soylent Green scared the living poo out of me as a kid. Even though I do love all the Charlton Heston movies. And I`ve seen a lot of mosquitoes- but never ones that follow you around in swarms like the Canadian version. Just my random thoughts…

    April 5, 2013

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