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Moist, and Other Bad Words

old_school_film_earmuff_it_for_me

This post is rated R, so, if you’re offended by coarse language and sexual content…hold on to your fucking hat. 

To some, English is a clunky, confusing language that is, as an acquaintance once said, “not seductively French enough”. An ironic statement, due to English’s French origins and influence, but I remained quiet, not wanting to come across as a total dick.

I love the English language, love reading new voices and presentations and how some folks, blessed with the ability to crush sentences, can craft masterful prose.

The rest of us (read: me) are just tryin’ to read good.

zoolander1

I try to balance a casual voice in writing. It’s where I’m most comfortable — scruffy, jeans and t-shirt writing. Not saying I can’t shave, slick back my hair, and throw on a tux, I just like writing the way I would speak to you one-on-one. Now, imagine my voice as a deep, orgasm-inducing baritone…

There is one major difference between my writing voice and real-life voice: I fucking love cursing. It’s hard for me not to curse constantly in everything I write.

Signed,

Degenerate Seaman.

I was at a bar the other day, and overheard a conversation that went a little like this:

Couple sitting at bar, watching Hockey playoffs.

Man, in response to bad play: “Well, that was fucking shitty!”

Woman, in response to his outburst: “Harold!”

Man: “What? It was a fucking shitty play.”

Woman, murmuring, looking around: “Your language!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how else to SAY it, ” man, embarrassed.

I agree with Harold. There are times when there’s no other way to say it. Even at work, I think, ‘Boy “fuck” would be perfect in there’.

There are plenty of articles online about word Aversions and the physical response to particularly taboo curses. Some people even think the words you manufacture by vibrating vocal chords will inevitably send you to hell.

Right.

Guess I have a first class ticket to Las Vegas, then. But my real idea of hell is listening to Celine Dion on repeat whilst standing in a line at LaGuardia, for eternity.

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I took a class on the history of English at Ohio State. Our professor, who looked like an older version of the then not-yet-created bad guy from ‘Despicable Me’, walked into class one day and said

“If you’re uncomfortable with ‘fuck’, you should leave today’s lecture.”

vector-_despicable_me

Fuck off

With no context to that statement, for a fleeting moment, I thought he might bend a co-ed over his desk and give us a demonstration on old swingy man balls to taut hindquarters. But thankfully, he meant the word, fuck.

Unflinchingly, Prof. Vector went through the variations and etymology of the word, including this little snippet:

The word apparently is hinted at in a scurrilous 15c. poem, titled “Flen flyys,” written in bastard Latin and Middle English

Non sunt in celi

quia fuccant uuiuys of heli

“They [the monks] are not in heaven because they fuck the wives of [the town of] Ely.” (source: etymology online)

Imagine how cool it would be to add a word variation to your vocabulary repertoire, and have it become the mother of all curses…

There’s one curse word I avoid: C**t. Can’t write it, never use it. I’ll let George Carlin, and the UK-ers keep it – sounds better when you say it anyways, especially the Scots.

There is one word, one singular syllable that makes me cringe; makes my skin crawl beyond any curse word in English or otherwise:  Moist. I fucking hate it.

I didn’t know I hated the word until a particular moment of passion with a past girlfriend that may or may not read this blog told me she was…um…”that”, down there.

You know when someone throws a stick in between the spokes of a moving bike, and the bike goes for whatever distance the stick needs to reach the support bars, ultimately flipping to a dead stop, face-planting the rider?

That happened when she said ‘moist’.

Dramatic? Maybe

Flaccid?

Just about, but it was a legit physical reaction to a word I, until that moment, associated with cakes and cookies.

smartforlifecookies

No

Moist haunts me. It’s the annunciation of the ‘Oy’, combined with the ‘S’. I can say ‘Oye’ all the merry day long, but when someone bites into a chocolate chip cookie, and says, “MMM so moist” I want to puke.

It’s verbal spiders, and every time I’ve typed it in this post, I’ve wretched a little.

I’d rather eat a damp cake over a moist cake any day of the week.

And it’s condensation, not moisture.

Salve not ointment.

With that, I open it up to you, dear readers…what words do you love to hate? Do your worst…

101 Comments Post a comment
  1. I love this! It totally made me laugh. I swear a lot, too, and have noticed my friends do, too. Sometimes they are the only appropriate words to use. I also never say that awful c word either. It’s just vulgar in my opinion.

    The word I hate most, and often hear during sales meetings is… “Penetrate”. I hate it and usually ask they use another word. It makes me shutter!

    June 28, 2013
    • Thanks, Jack Joseph’s mom. Glad to meet a fellow curser, who strays from the c-word.

      That is a pretty bad one. Used in sales…gross.

      June 28, 2013
      • palpax #

        I would never think of calling someone a c..t. I have deleted it from my personal Dickshunairy. When I hear poop I almost shit.. Even more shitty would be Moist Poop. JFC…As Mom used to say, “she wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful”.
        One of the greats.

        July 15, 2013
        • Hahaha!
          I’m totally using your mom’s quote, palpax. love it.

          July 16, 2013
  2. I’m not sure how ‘The Inbetweeners’ was received in the States. But over here it’s simply massive. And with it came the word ‘clunge’ e.g. he was knee deep in clunge, the place was full of clunge…

    I fucking hate that word man. In fact, I prefer the other ‘c’ word to that. But you already knew that as I’m from the UK!

    June 28, 2013
    • Sort of an underground following for ‘The Inbetweeners’. Caught a few episodes, had a few laughs.
      Clunge? Had to google that one…sounds terrible.

      Haha – true. Sounds so much better when you say it. Americans…not so much.

      Thanks, Sean!

      June 28, 2013
  3. Ha! My daughter cringes with the word moist too! Of course I have to tease her and use it once in a while to see her flinch! She says the word was ruined for her in sex ed class. Eeeeuuuuuwww!
    I have an equal reaction to the word juice. Not used in a sentence where orange precedes it, but my husband likes to call deodorant BO juice. (((shiver)))
    I definitely use the f-bomb, but freak my girlfriends out, so I have to keep it on a short leash…

    June 28, 2013
    • Blech blech.
      Sex and moist don’t mix.

      Funny, Juice was also in the top 10 most hated words. I remember moist, juice, and pulp made the top 5.
      Ugh – BO juice.

      Well, when I visit CO, we’ll curse up a storm without guilt.

      Thanks, Susie

      June 28, 2013
  4. The f-word is absolutely necessary in some instances in life and it actually makes one feel better sometimes after uttering or shouting it. I agree with you about the C-word. Abominable it is, Mike. Pustule — now that’s a bad one. Happy weekend!

    June 28, 2013
    • I was worried you would hate this post, Brigitte. :). I felt like it was a cursing coming out party…

      Ooooo good one. Pustule. Ugh, that’s a good bad one.
      You too, my friend!

      June 28, 2013
      • Oh c’mon, Mike. Why would I hate you post? I just stubbed my toe on something last night and trust me, the words that came out of my mouth wasn’t “Oh darn it.” Jeez. Oh and thanks for the education about the f-word, btw. There’s a way to treat that and you’ve done a fabulous job of it. Funny, as always.

        June 28, 2013
        • Hahaha! I’m sorry, Brigitte. I could have sworn (ha) you had a post about cursing…maybe it wasn’t you, maybe it was about writing curse words, and now I feel dumb.

          No problem. Word origins fascinate me, was hoping you guys liked it too. That website I linked is pretty fascinated, and as far as I’ve seen, accurate.

          June 28, 2013
  5. Hilarious! When no other words will do, fuck the fucking fuckers. verb, adjective, noun. (learned that from a Lehman exec.)

    June 28, 2013
    • THanks, Honie! Amazing sentence structure – think i’ve seen that shirt in NYC. I definitely used those words when I worked at Lehman Bros…:)

      June 28, 2013
  6. embracingourfemininity #

    This post was hilarious. I don’t really use curse words and I would never ever use the c-word, I think it’s quite disgusting. I’m not sure how I came across your blog but I’m glad I did. The word that makes me cringe every time is “insert”.

    June 28, 2013
    • Hey embracing,

      Glad you found it – an interesting first post to read on Roam About.
      Agreed on the cword.
      Insert – interesting. Does sound pretty gross. So, we have juice, insert, pustule, and penetrate as the worst words. I like it!

      June 28, 2013
  7. my original comment must be stuck in your spam filter, because it has some bad words in it. Hilarious post!

    June 28, 2013
    • I unleashed the original. :)

      June 28, 2013
      • What made this funny haha was you, of course. What made this funny strange was that I wrote a post this week about the stupid idea of banning bad words, actually letters used to spell objectionable words, as an example of the many stupid ideas our legislators have. Great minds, um, sort of.

        June 28, 2013
        • Well well, I have to check out this like-minded post.

          June 28, 2013
  8. Oh Mikey! I saw the WORD in my email and jumped right on over here. In high school my friend Trish and I had a list of bad words and the M word was at the top! Please add:
    tablet
    creamery
    morsel
    frock
    goiter
    nodule
    pustule
    any of the “ule” words

    I can’t think of any of the others right now but will keep you apprised.

    June 28, 2013
    • I love how you completely avoided writing ‘that’ word.
      Bravo, Maggie, and thank you.

      goiter….blech.

      Please do, this little exercise in word aversions is really fascinated.

      June 28, 2013
      • Oh and I do swear a lot but don’t write the F word anywhere near as much as I say it. And I never say or write the C word EVER.

        June 28, 2013
        • Interesting. We should tag-team a post on the c-word. :)

          June 28, 2013
          • Ack, I have friends from NY mostly who use that word and I cringe just hearing it. And we could make up other C words we don’t like.

            June 28, 2013
            • crunk. cesarian. coil…

              June 28, 2013
            • palpax #

              A list of hated C words:.the other C-word…c..t, clam, crack, crease, crinkle, crackle, cheesy, clamp, cramp, clump, culminate, creamy…just to cum up with a few for now.

              July 15, 2013
              • Ugh, I need a shower after reading your list.
                Fucking gross and awesome just the same.

                July 16, 2013
  9. NH #

    Roam About You Crack Me Up! Also hate the words you described, and don’t even want to type them to save us both the grief!

    June 28, 2013
    • Thanks for reading, NH. Much appreciated. Any words worse than moist?

      June 28, 2013
  10. I’m a Navy Veteran so it takes a lot of control for me to interject other silly phrases where “fuck” naturally fits. As a teacher, I reallllyyy have to behave like a lady and watch my mouth. On Friday night, I let loose all the week’s “fucks” at home because I was denied all week. By Monday morning, it takes me until noon to put “fuck” back in the closet. ;)

    June 28, 2013
    • That’s amazing – how do you do it, cindy? I mean, how do you not accidentally curse in front of the kids?

      June 29, 2013
      • LOL. I do slip sometimes. I conditioned myself to mutter in the back of my throat. Or, when enthusiastic, I’ll bark out “God-Bless-America” when I really want to say “Mother-Fucker”.

        June 30, 2013
  11. I love to cuss when cussing is the only response to something. Back when my friends and I would get together to discuss men/periods/random diarrhea, we’d often say, “For fuck’s sake” as a response to nearly every dilemma.

    Friend: “It was going well until he kissed me goodbye and asked me if he could rest his nuts on my chin.”

    Group: *looking around, smirking*

    Me: “Oh, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

    Group: *riotous laughter*

    I also love calling people I absolutely hate shit stains. Is there anything worse than that brown smear on a fresh pair of underwear? Nope, and these people are basically the human equivalent to society.

    Oh, and C-U-Next-Tuesday is only appropriate for George Carlin and Louis CK. Nobody else can get away with it.

    June 28, 2013
    • I still get together with my friends and discuss random diarrhea. Wanna join our gang?

      shit stains is good. truly, there is nothing worse.

      Forgot about Louis CK; he does have a pretty good grip on the word. After Louis CK dies, they should retire the word to the rafters. I do like when Scots say it, cause it sounds like “coont”, not the other way.

      June 29, 2013
  12. Oh. Moist. Good one. Was never at the top of my hated words list, but should’ve been, especially now that I’ll forever have your visual lodged in my brain to accompany it… how horrifying that she would say that! I dated a guy once who started talking about past relationships right down to his “performances” – nasty concept but the word was ok. But here are a few others:

    sputum
    greazy, as in, “greazy butthole”
    squat
    wholesome
    nourish
    mucous
    thick
    seepage
    pubic/puberty
    supple
    morsel
    suckle

    It’s really good to get those out of my system. Thanks, Mike. I have never felt so free.

    June 28, 2013
    • Laura,
      I think you gave me some new hates. Squat, seepage, and mucous in the same listing made me wretch a little.

      The good news is, I Now I have a nickname for my little sister ‘greazy butthole’.

      Supple’s pretty bad as well.

      Glad I could help with the word therapy. Cleansing experience.

      June 29, 2013
  13. Whipple/nipple. Forgot that one. Whipplenipple and dollop. Ok. I’m done now.

    June 28, 2013
    • Hard to get around the nipple…(that’s what she said).

      June 29, 2013
  14. Ahh yes this post is so fantastic! (Fun fact: I went to Ohio State, too.)
    Anywho, words that make my skin crawl: NIPPLE, LOAF, OINTMENT, CHAFE, SUCK/SUCKING/SUCKER, LOLLIPOP (it’s so weird to hear adults use that childish word).
    Bleh, I feel grimy now.

    June 28, 2013
    • Well, glad to have another alumni visiting. go bucks!
      When did you attend OSU?

      Those are some really good ones, fellow threads. but ointment….ugh. Curious, do you have an alternative name for lollipops/suckers? Stick candy?

      I showered soon after writing the post – made me feel gross as well. :)

      June 29, 2013
  15. Jason #

    Fucking needed to be said.

    June 29, 2013
  16. Tawni #

    All I know is I love the word guacamole and brouhaha

    June 29, 2013
    • brouhaha is an amazing word, and now i’m craving guacamole…mmm.
      Thanks, Tawni!

      June 30, 2013
  17. So many people hate that word! I don’t mind it, but Mr. Weebles loathes it. I would never ever use that word during sexy talk with him because I know it would be an automatic weenie shrinker. As for the word “fuck,” well, I fuckin’ love it. I have a hard time not using it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

    June 29, 2013
    • Moist IS the ultimate aws (automatic weenie shrinker).
      I know you do, Madame Weebles, that’s why I fucking love reading your fucking blog. Fuck.

      June 30, 2013
  18. HRH #

    Thank you so much as I’m now ruined for any cake that tastes remotely like it has condensation in it. And, being the word nerd I am, I want to participate and answer your questions about what words I hate. It’s a toss up, though, if I want to type the words onto the screen, hear them in my head, and puke, or just keep my dinner down and be on my way.

    *readying myself for sick that will surely come up*

    Remember these are just a few:

    1. Toilet (There’s that “oye” sound you love so much.)
    2. Pot, when referring to the first word. (I have no problem when it refers to something you use to boil water or marijuana, though.)
    3. Fart (*sick about to appear*)
    4. Booger (American version of bogey, which I far prefer.)
    5. Lover (My husband, knowing I hate this word, calls me his “loofah” instead. I’m reduced to a body-scrubbing spongey thing, which I’m perfectly fine with, thank you.)

    Words I LOVE to use but have landed in hot water over using: any curse word especially fuck and any variation of it. I try to keep it out of my writing. It feels far better saying it, and when I do use it in my writing, it’s really to make a point.

    And now, like the really bad hook of a really bad song, I’ve got those five hated words in my head now. Fuck.

    June 29, 2013
    • Bravo, HRH!
      Good stuff. An interesting, and eclectic array of hated words. I like it. Not a fan of booger, either.
      I like your spongey pet name – unique, and funny.

      Put your most hated words together, and I think you have the makings of a modern day country love song.

      June 30, 2013
  19. What if you’re at a restaurant and want to order their “World Famous Moist Cake”?

    June 30, 2013
    • I would leave the restaurant, and start a campaign against the proprietors on Yelp.
      Down with Moist cakes! Down with Moist Cakes!
      Moistest. ugh.

      June 30, 2013
  20. Reblogged this on Storm Simpson and commented:
    F**CKING AWESOME!

    June 30, 2013
    • Thanks for the reblog Storm Simpson.
      You are fucking awesome.

      June 30, 2013
  21. Reblogged this on Mario Types and commented:
    So glad I had lunch ages ago. Between the post and the comments, there are plenty of words here to upset me for hours.

    July 1, 2013
    • Hahaha! Thanks for the repost, mario.
      Sorry to gross-out. What better introduction to the blog.

      July 2, 2013
      • Agreed. I was actually drawn by the title, as I know at least two people who get very upset at the use of the word “moist”. I had another friend at Uni who really hated the word “panties” and would shudder at its use.

        July 3, 2013
        • Oh man, panties is probably my second least favorite word. Especially if someone says it with a nasally, say – northern/or east coast US accent – comes out like “Pyan-teees”. Ugh. Terrible word.

          July 4, 2013
          • palpax #

            And panties are often moist.

            July 17, 2013
            • Palpax! No!

              July 18, 2013
              • Sorry, but would you have been able to resist writing or even thinking of that comment? The temptation was just too great.

                July 18, 2013
                • Dammit, you’re right, I would have said the same…

                  July 18, 2013
  22. Non-Flapdoodle-ental #

    Love this fucking post!!! Hahaha!! Don’t know about the M word, but yes, C***t is definitely a no-no for me. Very cheap it is. But Oh why are you so awesome Mike?! :D

    July 3, 2013
    • Wow. A million apologies for missing this one response.
      Obviously, I’m not so awesome…I’m terrible, dirt, blech.
      Hope all is well with you Non-Flapdoodle-ental.

      September 27, 2013
      • Non-Flapdoodle-ental #

        Well, aren’t you the sweetest Mike! And no, you’re absolutely awesome!! And I remember how badly this post cracked me up! All is well with me. The daily drill and all that. You can call me Amna :) Hope all is super with you!

        September 29, 2013
        • Well, very good to hear, Amna.
          Things are going well. And thanks again for sticking around

          September 30, 2013
  23. Seriously made me burst out laughing! Good One. Although there are many words that I don’t necessarily care for, the word secrete makes me want to punch who ever came up with it. Such a nasty word, and the imagery even worse.

    July 3, 2013
    • Thanks, austad.
      eww, secrete is really frickin bad as well. Definitely in my top 3. Good choice.
      Thanks for reading.

      July 3, 2013
  24. I did an assignment once for a linguistics paper on the amount of words in the english dictionary starting with ‘Sl’ that have creepy, horrible or downright not-nice connotations. Slither, slime, slut, slattern, slack, slob, sleezy… Honestly, it’s fascinating. Look it up. :)

    July 16, 2013
    • I will indeed. Really interesting stuff – wonder where the etymology of the ‘SL’s’ comes from.

      I kind of like Slither/Slitherin – could be my guilty fondness for Harry Potter. Nerd alert.

      July 18, 2013
  25. treiter89 #

    Really funny read. I hate the c-word too; it makes me cringe and uncomfortable. I live and Scotland, I might add. I hate the word ‘feast’ for some reason. It makes me think of a bucket of maggots for some reason…

    July 17, 2013
    • palpax #

      Maggots look like marching rice. If I am served it or in the presence of others eating it I have to excuse myself. There is nothing that makes my skin crawl more than a Chinese takeout container full of it, all white and gooey, ready to jump out and start marching across the table…

      July 17, 2013
      • treiter89 #

        Wow, thanks for delaying my next Chinese takeout for a couple of months :D

        July 17, 2013
        • palpax #

          Sorry about that but you mentioned maggots and one thing led to another. Next time you eat Chines take out just keep your eyes closed.

          July 17, 2013
    • Thanks, treiter,
      I guess you didn’t like Hemingway’s ‘A Moveable Feast’ – which gives a whole new meaning to Chinese take out.

      July 18, 2013
      • treiter89 #

        Haven’t had a look at that. Not sure if I should.

        July 18, 2013
  26. Yes.. moist is a terrible word. I just think of soft sweaty palms when I hear it. Gross.

    July 19, 2013
    • Me too, friend.
      Gross indeed!

      July 22, 2013
      • In this Hot, Humid New York City weather I can’t help watching people on the subway picking at clothes stuck to their moist crotches and armpits. Which logically leads me to envision a moist cadaver resting in a cold stainless steel refrigerator. In some damp, dank hospital basement.

        July 22, 2013
        • Well, it’s the only logical path for the mind to go – specifically, the Bellevue morgue.

          July 24, 2013
          • Ah yes, the Bellevue morgue. A very cool place on a hot day.

            July 24, 2013
  27. jessicahoar #

    Hahahahahaha, I absolutely love this! It is a conversation which regularly crops up between my friends and I and is the one single word that can make us collapse into fits of giggles and feel incredible nauseous at the same time, whatever situation we may be in… Plus, I am glad that you agree c**t is truly a word that can only be said with a splendid British accent… Great blog!

    August 10, 2013
    • How did I miss this comment? I suck…
      A thousand apologies, jessicahoar.
      Thanks for reading!

      September 27, 2013
  28. Hehe…very funny blog! I know what you mean when you say that, sometimes, a certain curse word just HAS to be woven into a particular sentence in order for it to add emphasis and “oomph” to it’s intended meaning. Thanks for the chuckle!

    August 12, 2013
    • Hey, Lisa.
      Thanks for stopping in/reading.
      “oomph”, I like that.

      August 13, 2013
  29. Feces. Pant. Fart. Amortize. Reliquary. Regurgitate. Bowel. Rectal. Cacophony. Twat. Regicide. Fratricide. Pesticide. Matrimonial. Detrimental. Annuity. Piss. Puss. Phlegm.
    Loved your column. I had just written one that broached the same topic and was happy to find yours.

    September 24, 2013
    • Really good list, kevinjcarter.
      Pant is an interesting one to dislike. Does ‘pantaloons’ conjure the same feelings?

      September 27, 2013
      • Yes! Especially since I was a horrible student in French class in high school and college.

        September 27, 2013
  30. palpax #

    Why would reliquary, a container to hold holy relics such as a saint’s bones be gross? Oh, moist poop, I just answered my own question. It is disgusting although there are some beautiful ones at the Cloisters. Cloister is creepy, and so are: drainage, sebum, leakage, irrigate, nodule, earwax, crimp, excise, crease, lactate, anorectal, junction, dilated, fissure, pump and barista.

    September 25, 2013
    • embracingourfemininity #

      “nodule” that one actually makes me feel sick!

      lactate also sounds a little bit gross..

      September 25, 2013
      • I should write a book with all this good material.
        ‘Words to Hate’

        September 27, 2013
  31. HRH #

    Reblogged this on Musical Ruminations and commented:
    This is one of my all-time favorite blog posts. I’ve probably reblogged it previously, but I don’t care. Not only is Mike’s post so hilarious and well-written, but the comments are, too. Peruse the post and comments at will. If you want to read funny, witty, insightful writing about all kinds of things, some of which are related to travels, Mike is a master at weaving great blog “tales”. I must call them tales because they are more like stories than average blog posts. He’s one of my two favorites, and I’m encouraging (demanding) that you read his blog. Enjoy!

    October 29, 2014

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