Mustache Holder?
Promise, these are real items, and I’ll probably get sued for making fun of them…
But first, I have to take a quick moment to recognize what has been the most humbling time in my fledgling writing career.  Majority of you are here because of the ‘freshly pressed’ piece (COFFEE!), and honestly, I feel like a nerd voted prom king. I can’t thank you all enough for the outpouring of support/kind words, and  for appreciating my irreverent referential humor. Please stick around – I’ll do my best to bring some laughs through my travel adventures.Â
On a flight to New Orleans this past weekend, I was a bit bored – Â too lazy to get up to get a book out of my overhead bag. I spent a couple of minutes fighting sleep in that awkward-position-where-your-head-rolls-off-the-headrest-and-you-accidentally-bite-the-tip-of-your-tongue-catching-yourself-dozing. Both crosswords in the United Magazine were completed, and the same asshole genius had defeated the Sudoku squares. So, I decided to do some birthday shopping.
Skymall is not a magical consumer paradise located in the stratosphere (unfortunately); ’tis only a magazine in plane seat pockets – usually covered in human goop or whatever sugary elements spilled from the food tray. Skymall offers ludicrously useless, tchotchke heartwarming, precious gifts for all ages. I flipped to page 6, getting lost in the magic of pretend generosity (www.skymall.com)
For my special lady friend, Marti: ‘It is what it is’ bracelet.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like apathy
This bracelet is a true gem. Without punctuation to clarify intent, vagueness and mystery abounds. Use your imagination!
“It is? What?! IT IS!!???” Â said in response to, Â ‘The baby’s not yours, it’s actor Nicholas Cage’s’.
“It is what it is… ” – Last words before the suicidal man plummetted off the Golden Gate Bridge.
“It? Is What. It is.” Â Christopher Walken reading Confucius.
For Mom: A ‘Giant Black-back Lowland Gorilla Statue’.
What better way to tell Ma ‘Thanks for pushing me out of your body’ than giving her an ugly–ass, forty pound Gorilla statue. At three feet tall, it’s just high enough to scare the bejeezus out of people when placed in an optimum corner, or say, eye-level in an unsuspecting person’s closet. So majestic, so the movie ‘Congo’; so Mom.
If you get this reference I will love you forever.
For Dad:’ iGrow Hair laser’.
Totally normal. Nothing out of the ordinary happening here.
Was going to get this for myself, as my recede is much more prominent than Dad’s, but I’m buying him this hair growing device BECAUSE he already has a full quaff. Imagine how thick and luxurious his hair could be if follicle count is doubled, tripled even. I mean, it’s a Tron helmet that grows your hair, while playing Steely Dan tunes. Seriously, this thing cost me $700, he better love it. Though, I hope he doesn’t end up like this…
Too much time in the iGrow
For Sis: Large ‘Super Skate Sail’.
My sister is quite athletic, more so than her border-line alcoholic big brother. I bought her this fantabulous skate sail (in purple!) not because she recently completed a half-marathon and I want to bring her down a notch; make her look like a total dick flying a tarp attached to a skateboard dangerously fast through her neighborhood (to land safely in pillow-soft grass, of course). No, this gift buries the hatchet on sibling rivalry.
Oops. I’m sorry, Christy! It was a joke. Please come baaaaaack!
 For Me: ‘The Traveler’s Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon’ (the TBBTSC for those of us in the travel biz).
I can’t think of anything more soothing after a tiring day of roaming than sleeping in a white, pristine body bag. No bed bugs, no germs, no dignity. A little treat for me from me. Imagine the horror the maid will feel as she finds me slumbering in an encompassing white sheet, mistaking me for the ghost of poor man’s Keanu Reeves . Oh the laughs we’ll have! *Does not repel vampires, STD’s, or bad decisions. – Mike
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
YES!!! I seriously better get a Super Skate Sail this year… you forgot a gift for Clark! Awesome finds, this is going to be the best christmas ever.
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If I really buy you this, you wait until I come up there to try it out.
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I have thought the same thing about those catalogs, and I can almost smell the recycled air when reading your blog post. I am a writer too, and my biggest day of late was when people realized I had written a profile last year about the pilot who had a mental breakdown on the JetBlue plane: Clayton Osbon. More traffic on my blog than I’ll ever have again…wait…until my big break. Now trying to get a screenplay seen by the right people, because I love a sure thing.
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I REALLY like the look of your blog. And your stuff is great. Did you write a screenplay about the JetBlue Pilot?
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No. But I call dibs. Thanks for the blog compliment. It’s from wordpress. I also get some cool stuff from this site called The Graphics Fairy. My writing isn’t nearly published enough. It was me who filled out the crossword. The answers were wrong, but it was the only way I could get in a flight magazine.
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I knew it! A five letter word for ‘the world’ is not ‘Frank’.
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Hahah…great post! I want a TBBTSC!
Amy the Gorilla: Ugly gorillas. Ugly. Go away. Amy love Peter!
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Raindrop drink, Amy, raindrop drink.
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What is this “Sky Mall”? I have not been on an airplane since my trip to NY. It is what it is.
-Zig
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But what a trip it was.
The last thing we heard was the flapping of khaki pants, then a terrible smacking sound.
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I wish I was part of your family and would be getting such a super awesome gift. I’m so sick of getting all those “bath gift sets” from Wal-mart.
Note to self: must actually peruse thru the Sky Mall magazine during next flight!
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Haha! If you do peruse, make sure you wash your hands immediately after.
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You were so deserving of being freshly pressed. Is that proper grammar? Anyhoo…….. You are freakin’ hilarious!
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Sure it is. There are no grammar police here.
Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
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Love the bracelet and your interpretations!
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Thanks
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I’ve always wondered who buys these things and on a long-haul flight, one cannot help but wonder a lot, heheh! I do find them very amusing though. And I will have to agree with the above comment, you are hilarious.
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Hopefully just people buying gag gifts.
They are quite funny.
Thank you so much!
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Good one, Mike, love it! I think you should buy that cocoon because of the real or implied promise of metomorphosizing into something more spectacular (perhaps involving wings) after a long night’s slumber. Or, it might make you feel like black widow prey that has just been tidily encased in webbing. Either way, it’s a win-win!
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I almost bought it, but it’s $79! For a blanket!
Maybe I’ll just splurge and go for it. On my meager blogger wages though.
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LOVE me some SkyMall. Funny as always, Mike. Visit my blog — you may find yourself there in my latest post. :).
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I don’t know where these comments are going. It’s this one: http://brigittebanter.com/2012/05/30/a-bloggers-tale/
I’m easily confused.
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I posted in that one, but it bounced elsewhere. Weird. Could be my iPhone though.
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Ha! Love it! And I love that magazine purely for the enjoyment factor of oh my god I had no idea I was missing out on this ridiculous product!! It’s really just missing the if you act now and use plane phone will double your order and throw in a free set of steak knives!! Thanks!
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Thanks, Jentle. I never asked if they delivered…mid-flight.
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Once again you’ve outdid yourself with the humor. Very, very funny. What a crazy creative mind you have and, like your sister, I’m looking forward to my gift you’ve chosen for me at xmas.
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If you want the gorilla, I will seriously buy it for you.
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Is the “Roaming Garden Bigfoot Statue” still available from SkyMall? I’ve been tempted to purchase that guy…so…many…times. Who doesn’t need a little Sasquatch love now and then?
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Oh yeah, he’s still there. Almost made this post too!
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Someday, I’m going to meet someone who actually has him in his/her garden. I really don’t know if I’ll be able to contain my excitement. 😉
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Now I know what the family can wrap me in when I die so I look like a disciple–the bed bug (aka funeral shroud)..lol too funny you are plus you get 50 bonus points from me as I am soon to move to NOLA..
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Seems absolutely reasonable. Thanks! You’ll probably like my next one…hint hint hit. Your blog’s amazing by the way.
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I’ll be on the look out for your next post…and thanks..my blog is a slew of whatevers..lol!
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Um, I might have been dragged through a sheep pasture in Scotland by a giant para-kite. Thanks for writing this, I didn’t really want to repress that memory, I do need to write about something, don’t I?
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You’re welcome. I’m glad I could bring up some deep-seeded, manure-streaking memories.
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“Does not repel bad decisions.” How many mistakes could I have avoided if that had been a warning label on, say, bottles of vodka? Many. Many many.
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Right! Although, it does say do not operate heavy machinery. So we got that going for us…
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this http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102876212&c=10510 has always been one of my favorites. who the hell buys this? i always wonder about the perception of the western world the 12 year old Chinese kid that makes these all day must have.
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The Zombie almost made it as well. I really don’t know. Someone is reviewing the items on SkyMall, but I have a hunch they are ‘plant’ reviews. I’ve read some Global Economy books on perceptions of the workers who do create things like, Mardi Gras beads, and White T-shirts. It’s pretty heartbreaking stuff.
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I was definitely drawn by the coffee piece…glad I kept looking! This blog entry made me laugh hard. I travel a lot. I have had many a “wtf” moment while perusing skymall. I hope I don’t read an entry entitled “How to Get Disowned/Disinherited” should you decide to give your mom the giant Black Backed Lowland Gorilla!! Definitely write about it though…there’s something about a good laugh at other peoples folly!
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Thanks, Rob. There were so many other items that almost made it; really, it’s just a magazine of comedy bits.
I may just buy it for her and ‘hide’ it in the backyard…what’s the worse that can happen? (foreshadowing).
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Is the Gorilla oogiling the martini a reference to Sigourney Weaver?
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hahaha! No, but I want to go watch Gorillas in the Mist for some reason…
I kind of gave it away with the Congo thing. Probably one of my favorite terrible movies of all time. That, and Troll 1 and 2.
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Another great post dude! I kinda like the “it is what it is” bracelet…it’s actually one of the statements I live by…resignation. LOL I’d love to get the gorilla statue for a few enemies…teehee *rubbing hands together with a sinister smile* …what did you say? *gasp* I’m not evil! Where on earth did you get that idea from?!
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Thanks, Geeky. I bought two bracelets, one for each wrist to never forget…
Do it – buy the gorilla and put it somewhere good. Like the passenger seat of a car, or in someone’s bed. Hilarious
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What. The. HECK…. is that photo of the weight-lifter-woman all about? I just don’t get it!
Sky Mall is the greatest magazine in the world! Thanks for the laugh…
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It goes along with the ‘bad decisions’ motif. If you’re wondering what’s up with the actual woman…well…I’m afraid I can’t answer for that train-wreck. 🙂
It really is. Whatever magazine can make you laugh, cry, and pry credit cards out of your wallet.
Thanks!
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