I check my ‘spam’ every once in a while, in case a legitimate comment has gone in the quarantine tank. Now and then I’ll find a reader or two in there, drowning in the Star Wars trash heap (from ‘New Hope’) – Luke screaming like a baby girl, “3PO! Where could he beeeeee!?” and Chewy going all apeshit in the background “Meowmaamaameow”.
Chewbacca does meow; it’s just a lower registered, wavering but staccatoed pitch – more mouthwash gurgling tiger than cat, but still a meow.
Strike Three, you’re meowt!
I’ve been enjoying some of the spam comments received from the riff-raff WordPress fauxfiles – dissimilar to the Nigerian national export ‘Phishing emails’ – you know, the emails that read; ‘Dear Sir, you’re the benefactor of Lord Dimplechin’s estate. He dead now. Give us your bank account/social security number, so we may purge you of the responsibility of paying for your child’s future education’.
No, the WordPress spammer is much smarter. He (ladies would never do something so uncouth, would they?) links keywords within your post to their comments, and spams the crap out of you with obscure conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with anything you’ve written.
A simple hover over the hyperlink of the spammer fauxfile…if it looks sketchy – and pardon my presupposition of you finding links with ‘stiletto fetishes’, ‘sex dates’, and ‘SEO fetish sites’ sketchy – it is.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘Mike, what’s a sex date?’ Well friend, it’s a particular date upon the calendar, chosen at random, where large groups of people have sex; a remote orgy if you will. Like today, it’s a sex date! Mark your calendar!
Here are some of my favorite WordPress/Akismet quarantined spam emails – copied directly from my dashboard – with pictures of what I think each person really looks like, and of course, a response:
From Rinku:
I really REALLY wanna c it again but i just wish they woulf oepn the show in San Francisco!! New York lets it run 4ever but u cant find a show anywhere in California! Cnt wait 2 b able 2 do it with my high school or college or whenever it comes available 2 rent on MTI or sumtin I dnt care wat it takes! I will b in Wicked!! Mwahahaha!!!
Oh Rinku, you’ll never be in ‘Wicked’. You wouldn’t be able to read the script! Mwahahahaha! JK! Let’s Google ‘Wicked’ to “c” if it has played in San Fran…oh, it has, multiple times. They probably had an open call for extras…just saying.
Praying for your success
From Nahuel:
I learned that I’m very happy linvig in this century and not then because I have to visit the dentist a lot and I would be very disgusting with street dentistry. The thought of my teeth being resold-just yuck!! Thank you for hosting such a fun giveaway!
Dear Nahuel,
I shall call you Nathaniel, as I’m sure this was the intended name. Nathaniel, I agree, I would be disgusting [sic] with street dentistry as well, but being that you omitted the context to your point, I’m sorry to say you did NOT win the Give-away.
The Street Toof Fairy
From Elmer:
Sewriously, doesn’t the perfect hair color just do wenrods for how you feel?!?! That color looks awesome on you glad you found someone with the right touch.And the photo of you and your little guy is to die for! Love the orange and blue. And major props to you for being willing to lay down on the ground in a dress
Elmer,
It took me a moment to figure out what ‘wenrods’ meant. After figuring out wenrods means ‘wonders’, I then pondered the 2 exclamation marks and double question mark at the end of the first sentence. Is Elmer being rhetorical?
Also, Elmer, what the fuck are you talking about?!?!
Clueless in Columbus
Tesla Energy Machine:
The drowning tesla strength lights will clutch at a straw
Dearest T.E.M,
Do you really love lamp?
Ron Burgandy
Juwon:
I just found your blog, so I’ve only just seen your last post “Heaven’s Special Child.” BB went to, right in front of the door so all visitors could see it. He was at that socohl for 9 years and I never managed to read the whole thing through because I’d start snuffling! (And no, I didn’t manage to get through it this time either! I’ll be back later to read how it ends!!!)
Dear Juwon,
I believe you have dialed the wrong blog. ‘Heaven’s Special Child’ is actually a piece written by famous poet Axl Rose. Also, what is ‘snuffling’?
Thanks for reading!
MtSofa:
Do mackerel start running along the beaches this season, because I’ve had mackerel shaped fish take the greenback/pilchards then shake of the hook jumping high in the air.
Dearest MtSofa,
Yes.
-Mike
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
You know I’ve never once looked in my spam folder. I’m missing the comedy pot of gold! I totally snuffled when I read your Heaven’s Special Child piece too! I had to leave socohl it was so hard on me.
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You should, it’s freaking awesome. I don’t get them very often, usually right after posting, but when I do, they’re gold.
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You were in my spam folder! But mostly just lista de email telling me my words are “good, but somewhat confusing, if you can explain them better, it would be great”. Talk about a backhanded compliment.
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What! I was in the trash heap? Noooooo. I know the writing/grammar spams are hilarious.especially when they misspell konfewsing.
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Absolutely hysterical! I have carried on many an email exchange with Nigerian scammers. I never tire of their ridiculousness! Thank you for repackaging your spam into something that is truly entertaining! Strong work!
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Thanks, Rob. I had to shut down my yahoo mail because of spammers. They’re like little gnats, always buzzing. It’s fun to get back at them through jest.
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As always, this is hilarious, Mike. Have you considered stand-up or does being in front of a crowd scare you? Just something to think about.
I get many spam things for sexual aids, pills and such. Not sure why, but ew.
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Thanks, B! I’ve considered it, never moved on it. I did improv in NYC for a quick second. But yes, stand-up seems a bit scary, but I getting to the ‘I don’t give a shit’ phase in my life prematurely.
Maybe I should ask sweet mother for a tutorial…
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I think you do pretty well on your own. But that’s just my humble opinion.
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Aww shucks
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you should visit my blog sometime. Like today would be good.
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I did I did!
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Wow, your spam is so much more interesting than mine. I have spam envy!
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Loool!! Spam envy. Love it.
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Haha.. I recently took a stroll through my Spam folder and was so pleased to know that the Viagra posts I write are so informative and also won’t I please say who did my website design.. Brilliance they said.. LOL
Gotta love Spammers..Keeps us entertained..
love this post!
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They are quite entertaining. I’ve never been so popular in the sex dating realm! Thanks!
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Love this! Laughing inappropriately loud at work.
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I love that I made things awkward for you at work. 🙂
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At least you laugh at the spam. Whenever I read mine I catch myself using naughty swear words that I might have to spell out in confession…
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The spam I get is so ridiculous, I have to laugh. Only time I got pissed was when so horribly inappropriate spam came through, and pummeled my comment section. Definitely let some brand new swear words fly.
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Mike,
A Clown college with make-up in French Canada igloo snow balls and polar bear eating in New York with a Weeble.
Le Clown
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I feel so honored to be spammed by Le Clown. I shall mark this day on my calendar with a sock monkey sticker.
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I often frequent my spam folder, just for a daily laugh. If only the spammers knew how much joy they were bringing into our lives! My favorite from today? “What an interesting article? Your suggestions are spot on. Sex tape sex tape sex tape.”
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That’s awesome! They didn’t even try to subconsciously ‘sex tape’ you. They just threw it right in there. Love it.
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I know, right? The guy must be a beginner.
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I’ve been accumulating the best spam comments for a while, thinking that I’d someday create a page for them. I might just have to steal your format, with the pictures and all. Just a warning. As a gift to you, here is one of my favorites: “What i do not understood is in reality how you are now not actually a lot more neatly-liked than you might be right now. You are very intelligent. You already know therefore considerably in relation to this topic, made me in my view believe it from numerous various angles. Its like men and women are not interested except it’s something to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your individual stuffs nice. All the time maintain it up!” YOU’RE WELCOME.
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Steal away! Thank you for this gift of comment spam – I like it from ‘numerous various angles’ – which might be the name of my future blog when I tire of Roam About.
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Crazy spam guy, I wanted to let you know I granted you an award thingy on my blog, only because you are so very awesome.
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Why, thank you very much!
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