“I’m dying.” ” Everything hurts.” ” I have the plague.” — and other hypochondriatic laments.
Instead of putting up a 100 points like a flu-ridden Michael Jordan, I turn into a blob of inactivity and misery when I get sick; which I’ve been for almost two weeks.
Oh god, just threw up in my mouth…and a little on my Nikes
Marti: “What are you symptoms?”
Me: “Malaise, coughing, achiness, cold chills, writer’s block. I have Dengue Fever, or Argyria, or the black Plague.”
Marti: “You have the flu.”
Me: “Or Lupus.”
Marti: “So dramatic.”
Me: “I am NOT!” Exit stage left.
Friday, laying on the couch with the tv on low in the background after purging a delightful breakfast —wallowing in my own CO2—I pondered if I had Whooping cough, or Mercury Poisoning, or Legionnaires disease , but quickly became distracted by the murmurs bubbling from the TV screen.
Too weak to change the channel, or pick up a book, I sat through a Maury Povich Marathon of ‘DNA Reveals’.
But what would she do for a triple cheeseburger? Wait?! 14??
If you’re not familiar, scuzzy, obese, mental midgets air out all their dirty laundry — mostly love triangles, or love rhombus — and submit paternity/lie detector tests regarding various internal-affairs for all the mid-afternoon couch potatoes to see.
Do you have a baby (or two, or three) and you’re not sure who the daddy is?
Are you completely clueless in life, have no shame, and live on a diet of White Castle sliders and ignorance?
Call Maury Today!
Dental fetishes; something I could never sink my teeth into. Hiyo!
New to the midday TV realm, receiving only 4 stations on my Radio Shack rabbit ears…
— Timeout: Intimate moment with a porcelain bowl, calling dinosaurs.
Time-in: back to a slew of fast cash, debt erasing, fat incinerating, regulatory bowel movement hocking, case settlement inducing, fast food craving commercials.
— Maybe I have E. coli, or salmonella. What are the symptoms for Mad Cow Disease, or Creutzfeldt-Jakob’s disease in humans?
Maury lectures an ex-con on being a better father-figure, and the repercussions of not telling his gf he got chlamydia in jail before having sex with her.
— Maybe I have chlamydia, or smallpox. The last person to die of smallpox was Janet Parker back in 1978.
Maury takes opens a letter and reads to an excitable audience the results of the paternity test.
— Why is it the dumbest people always seem to figure out what part goes in which hole and successfully reproduce the most often?
“Turns out you are NOT the father!!” The “man” celebrates with a taunting dance, calling the girl a slut while she sobs openly on stage.
— Oh hell no!
Maury asks the woman if she knows who the father is; she shakes her head no.
— An immaculate conception!
Then, it begins; a trip fantastic through a vomit induced, sinus pressured, vitamin c escalated, spiritual quest in a kaleidoscopic NyQuil/antibiotic cocktail warp.
life is
an attractive
cherokee woman
pouring ambrosiac mountainscapes
INTO A MOUNTAINSCAPE
DOUBLE RAINBOW!
Like wow, man.
I watch Maury Povich. Passively. Contently. Riveted. My out-of-body moment is fleeting, and I feel…I feel as though I learned something. But what?
1. Southwestern landscape paintings are epic!
2. My spirit guide is a lemur.
Hey, Baby.
3. There are two types of peoples who regularly don’t pull out — ex-convicts with gold “teef”, and Mel Gibson.
4. If you’re ever laying on your couch, and your hardwood floor turns into lava, you’ve taken too much DayQuil.
5. Maury Povich is one of the dumbest tv shows I’ve ever seen. The show proves you don’t need talent to get on tv anymore. To be famous, you just have to be unabashedly whorish. Don’t know about you, but I’ll keep my integrity, and take the obscure writer path any day over the Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton Povich-esque porn path. – Mike
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
a love rhombus…that is interesting. please don’t get me sick.
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Things get weird in the love rhombus.
I can’t promise a ‘no sick’ fly zone. because you ate the last of the chicken soup.
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I think you might have Realitytvorrhea. Good luck with that.
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Oh no. I hope they make a cream for that.
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I think cure comes in the form of a mask actually. Prescribed use of earplugs can help speed up the healing process as well.
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Yes, a welder’s mask and noise canceling ear phones. A two-sense isolation…i like.
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Mike, even when you’re sick you’re freaking hilarious. How do you think a lemur came to be your spirit guide? When you’re feeeling that bad, especially when you have an overactive imagination to begin with (I know what I’m talking about here) any ache, pain, chill, shutter, cough, upchuck — anything can be viewed as a terminal disease. Here’s something to ponder though, what if it had been and your last glance of something on this earth had been Maury Povich? Now that’s scary. Good thing the lemur wasn’t standing in the light asking you to come closer.
Hope you’re feeling better. I know I am after reading this.
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Thanks, B.
I’m not sure about the lemur – it’s like a squirrel monkey, which is representative of my athletic abilities? Maybe that’s where I got it.
Haha! Glad I’m not the only one that goes right to the worst scenario in illness.
If my last though were of Maury? Well, that’s just sad, glad it didn’t happen. 🙂
I’m getting there. Has definitely affected my writing motivation, but I shall overcome.
As always, thanks, Brigitte!
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I can’t stop laughing! And, for the record, it would be kind of cool if you had smallpox. Mind you, I’m not hoping you perish from it, but really how cool?
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You know what? You’re right, it is kind of cool! Like a mental tattoo.
“Hey where you get that scar?”
“This? Oh, I got it from a little smallpox.”
“What?! That’s badass!”
“It was nothing. Overrated really.”
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Mike I think your mind was an immaculate conception! Great post…and why are more women not accepting cheeseburgers for sexual favors? I think I live in the wrong city, hahaha!
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Thanks, Nate!
I’m just going to throw this out there, and you can throw it right back, but I think you might want to avoid the type of woman willing to trade pleasure for burgers.
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Found a tooth in the house he can’t explain…. holy hellballs! hahaha
Sorry you are illin’
Even sorrier you don’t have cable b/c DayQuil and the Kardashians could be a psychotropic delight like no other.
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I mean, how does it come down to dental identification? Really.
It’s cool. Trying to bounce back.
Haha, yeah, probably would have heaved the ol’ tv out the window if I had cable. Thanks, Maggie!
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TURN OFF THE TV!
Back slowly away….
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Can’t…..stop……watching…
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Reblogged this on jasony0423's Blog and commented:
There is so much truth here.
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Thanks for the reblog, Jasony. very awesome.
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This is the result of juicing Mike
Go back to food you have to chew 😉
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I juiced a T-bone steak. Does that count?
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After reading this post, I realize I lead a very. sheltered. life.
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You lead a fulfilling, DayQuil-free life.
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Dude. Hilarious. That is all I can say. Thanks for entertaining me.
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Thanks, Jeff. Appreciate you stopping by.
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the rainbow picture is wonderful, the lightning bolt was there too ? or it was added later by editing ? i used to be a amateur photographer in my late teens, anyway cool blog 😉 keep up the good work !!
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Not really sure, I humbly admit it’s not my picture – though, it looks pretty legit.
Thank you, alina!
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It’s never, ever lupus. Never, never, never. Per Dr. House.
Steven-Johnson syndrome, scleroderma, dermatitis herpatoformis, shingles, chronic lymes disease..sure. But never lupus.
You are hilarious. It’s always strange to me to think if someone from another country with a basic knowledge of English watching a show like Maury and thinking…oh. So this is America?
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I believe everything Dr. House says. Thankfully, I can sleep tonight knowing I don’t have Lupus!
Weird fun fact: I had shingles once. It was awful. I felt like an old man watching Matlock.
Haha! Never thought of that. Imagine if they finished their English language tutelage from Maury. Perhaps they would misinterpret the ‘beeping’ sounds as an actual part of our language.
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Oh, poor fluish you! Among other atrocities, you’ve mistaken your Cherokee spirit woman (pouring mountain-fresh hallucinagenics down your gullet) for a Southwestern entity! No no, she would be Southeastern, or at least Relocated Oklahoman. But what sense can be expected from you after poisoning by Povich?! Hope you’re feeling better!
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I know, shame on me, blame goes to the DayQuil. She was definitely relocated from OK to AZ or NM, but she didn’t take the trail of tears. No, she rode an EAGLE.
Thanks, Laura. Getting there. I had a dream last night I woke up and had turned into a zombie….yikes.
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Rode in on an eagle… good one! Ah, the waking Zombie dream. Which is which?
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#3 on your list of Learnings made me laugh the loudest. I hope you’re over your plague soon.
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Mel Gibson’s teef are fertile.
Thank you, Madame. I shall live…for now.
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That still showing the woman upset over the unexplained tooth has to be one of the most depressingly hilarious memes. I once found a tooth in my soup at a restaurant and didn’t question it that much.
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There are so many scenarios where one can get away with cheating, only for your mistress (or mister) to lose a tooth during coitus.
Did you still eat the soup?
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Yes. It was nice and spicy, and kind of tasted like cavities.
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Probably just part of the stock. No big deal.
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Did you get that ‘mid-afternoon’ daze from hanging out watching those shows? That’s the feeling in your head that a gray fog bank is forming slowly over your brain while a black curtain is falling over your eyes? I get that every day I work from home.
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Big time. Except it wasn’t gray, it was rainbow colored from all the cold medicine.
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“Don’t know about you, but I’ll keep my integrity, and take the obscure writer path any day over the Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton Povich-esque porn path.”
I don’t know whether to work this up as a sampler, or to get it tattooed on my chest.
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ravensmarch,
a tattoo is waaaaay cooler. go for it, hypothetically of course.
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Haha, this experience is disturbingly familiar
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I hope you saw the magical native american girl as well. 🙂
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