In 2005, I was working as a part-time actor bartender in NYC, living with my (now ex) fiancé who was the personal assistant to makeup mogul, Trish McEvoy. Maybe you’ve seen Trish’s line; sold at most high-end department/vanity stores. Without divulging too much info, according to my ex (not me, Ms. Lawsuit), Trish was a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality.
One minute Mrs. McEvoy went through an assumed serotonin stabilizer withdrawal, throwing tantrums, screaming at her employees.
The next moment, she lavished everyone with a comped meal at Nobu.
One minute Trish scoffed snootily at my ex for having never visited France.
The next minute, we’re on a flight to Charles de Gaulle Airport, her treat. Not kidding.
At the time, I had never been out of the country—I was so amped up I didn’t sleep the ride over the Atlantic, drank entirely too much wine provided by the flight attendant, sprinted off the plane, got to the swanky hotel on Boulevard Haussman in Arrondissemont 7 (also comped), aaaaaaand promptly fell asleep for 5 hours.
Dude, seriously. Wake the fuck up. (photo by Le Ex)
Oh, grasshoppah. No bien.
Once I regained consciousness, I hit Paris hard, osmotically soaking up everything like so many environ sponges.
My absolute favorite spot in the city, represented by the lead picture, is Les Catacombs.
Quick history: since the onset of Christianity in France waaaaay back in the 10th century, people buried their dead in church cemeteries. Paris grew exponentially, fast-forward to the late 1700’s, the city’s cemeteries are now full and horribly unsanitary. The cemeteries were so full, a common occurrence was for the earth to completely saturate, and overflow into the streets, or worse, burst, uninvited into nearby houses.
Child: “Papa, can you pass the salt?”
Papa: “Oui, my little angel.”
Mama: “What do you say, Dear?”
Child” Merci, Papa.”
Mama: “Good girl.”
The walls crack, a huge sound, dead bodies pile into living room.
Child: “Grandma’s back! Yay!”
Parents: “AHHHHHHHH!”
Basically, it was the movie Poltergeist, but French ( Le Boo). So, to remedy the situation, French officials had nightly horse-drawn bone runs (hehe…bone run), moved the remains to abandoned mines, left to rest peacefully. But, some twisted, arty, amphetamine sniffers decided the bones weren’t organized enough, and made them ‘a-real nice’!
Here’s the info on Les Catacombs website. It’s creepy, macabre, and uniquely Parisian.
Like any life-changing moment, the sounds, smells, and visions of Paris still stick with my everyday life. Here are some more pics queued up from my imagery jukebox:
Motorbikes/Smart Cars/Volkswagens
Cigarettes, cappuccinos, and standing conversations at a café.
Mistaken for a local near Hemingway’s old haunts.
Culture Shock
Sweating through clothes, climbing Sacre Coeur’s spire in Vertigo-inspired frenzy.
Drinking absinthe like Oscar Wilde
Lenin’s Ghost holding a fire-breathing cat that hates Philippine weddings.
No more Absinthe.
Getting an eyeful of Eiffel. Gorgeous day, did you know there’s a restaurant up there? As an acrophobic, “I’d like to place an order for delivery, just toss it over the side.”
oooh la-la. Upskirt shot.
Wandering through walls like le passe-muraille. This mural is based on a story about a man who can walk through walls, and is NOT in fact, Salvador Dali. Walking through walls is a pretty cool superpower, if you’re a total creeper.
Sheet, I am, how you say, stuck.
Realizing Moulin Rouge is really a Moulin Ruse. Moulin is the Times Square/Disney World of the semi-naked lady world. Ptooey.
Moulin Booooo
The trip was a whirlwind. When we landed back in NYC, I felt alive, informed, and vowed to explore, travel always.
Now you know a little backstory to my wanderlust.
I have a multi-millionaire makeup mogul to thank for planting the international travel seed in my brain.
Trish, I wrote you a thank you letter, but never heard back, so, thanks again. Here’s some free advertising:
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
I love this! I didn’t know that about Moulin Rouge and will skip over that tourist trap.
Such a great idea to go back to a trip taken a while back. I’ll have to scan some photos of one of my pre-blogging adventures.
France is on the top of my list. We went in 2001 and am way overdue to go back. Besides my book takes place in Provence and I need do some recherche…
….runs to kitchen to make French toast….
LikeLike
Huge tourist trap, super expensive. Basically a very tired broadway show. But, the area around it is really cool, so we just bar hopped instead of looking at le bush.
Tapped the old travel vault – I’ve got LOADS of pre-blogging adventures, thinking about doing a piece every Friday as travel inspirado.
Wait! Are you working on a book, or you’ve written a book? If the latter, how did I not know this?
Au croissant.
LikeLike
I think you should do one a week. Wow! That’s 52 a year! I bet that will inspire some more travel.
The reason I started blogging 2 years ago was to build an author’s platform for a snarky non-fiction book. My humorous take on society.
I joined a Friday fiction group. Ohhhh! How I fell in love with writing fiction! It was so much easier. I didn’t have to worry about anyone saying, “Ha! I know who she’s talking about.” I could let my imagination run wild. Not hard for a Wild Rider.
Needless to say, I shelved the non-fiction book. I am expanding one of my short stories. !’m almost done with the 859th rewrite and then it is off to beta readers to mark up. Note to self. Must find beta readers..
It is a paranormal fiction about a haunted young woman from Boulder who visits her sister in……you guessed it! Provence. She has a premonition that starts coming true and has to solve the mystery surrounding her brother-in-law before ba, ba, bom…..it’s too late.
Can’t wait until its done!
LikeLike
Ok, maybe every other week. 52 a year seems overzealous but we’ll see.
That’s awesome. Are there friday non-fiction groups left? 🙂
Interesting. How long is the book after your 859th rewrite? Are you looking to self-publish?
Well, I’m intrigued. When can I read it?
LikeLike
Great Pics…love the fire breathing cat! I never knew there was blackberry and vanilla musk…i only thought musk came out of animals from the weasel family…a vanilla flavored wolverine musk might actually be real nice…skunky…yet sweet like yogurt. Keep up the roaming RAM!
LikeLike
That was a real cat. New species, very rare.
hahaha, Wolverine Musk: A new cologne from Calvin Klein….
LikeLike
Another good read- made me want to surrender
LikeLike
I tried to not laugh at this comment, Jason, but failed.
LikeLike
Awesome story! France does that to people – It was also the place that definitely kick-started my travel fever that hasn’t calmed down! =D
LikeLike
Thank you thank you.
You too, huh? There’s something in the water in France that makes people unsettled and travel lusty.
LikeLike
Peut-être l’eau a absinthe
😉
LikeLike
Good gawd, man is there no end to your escapades? This was great. I love the ooh-la-la French pics — have always wanted to go there and go there, I will. Inspiring, Mike and funny as always. Le hilarious.
LikeLike
Haha! I hope it never ends. Got a lot of stories to tell.
You have to go, Brigitte. Fly Iceland Air out of NYC to Paris. Relatively Cheap. Get lost in the city for 3-4 days.
I have this picture I took in Paris that reminds me of your avatar. Have to send it to you….
LikeLike
That upskirt shot of the Eiffel Tower is great. Weird question, but how was the coffee in Paris? I’ve always wondered how good the coffee is in Italy and France.
LikeLike
Thanks, Mike.
The coffee is absolutely phenomenal. Though I’ve traded coffee for tea, I’d probably drink some if I ever go back to France.
LikeLike
I’ve never had a desire to go to Paris, but after seeing those pictures, I’m kind of digging it.
I love the little promo shot for Trish at the end. Nice touch.
LikeLike
No desire at all? How come?
What’s your ideal vacation spot?
Yeah, vanilla blueberry musk shout out. eau de sex. french style. le bush.
LikeLike
Fantastic and funny article. I have never been to Paris, just to South Africa and Brazil. Would you go back there? And were you able to get internet connection out there everyday?
LikeLike
Thanks, Wanda.
Wow, South Africa AND Brazil? That’s amazing. For travel, or work?
Would definitely go back to Paris, spend a week revisiting and exploring. Yep, Paris is definitely a tech-savvy town.
LikeLike
I like that you were “wondering through walls”. I wonder through conversations sometimes. Or entire days.
LikeLike
Dammit, Laura! 🙂
I really, really suck at writing this week. Mistakes all over the place. I need a beer…
LikeLike
I hope the rest of your blog made up for your slanderous remark at the beginning – maybe not in America, but in Australia all you have to do is intentionally publish something slanderous from you or not…and it’s slander…:) Oh God, I’m cruel. Great post and funny as always. A regular travel blog is a great idea, and it’s a good way to keep a record of them too.
LikeLike
Uh oh… Really? Well, shit. I did thank her…and I’ll remember to be really nice when I visit Australia. 🙂
Thanks, Sara. The stories needed to escape the grip of dusty travel logs.
LikeLike
Great article – I’m looking forward to heading to Paris this summer for my 25th anniversary – first time ever there. Now i have to find a way to encourage my wife and kids to visit the Catacombs.
LikeLike
That’s awesome,Battle. How long are you going? I suggest bribery…
Early congrats on your 25th – hell of an accomplishment!
LikeLike
Great post, Mike!
LikeLike
Awesome. Really makes me miss Paris.
LikeLike
Was only there for a few days and I miss it. Did you live there, or travel through?
LikeLike
An up skirt shot in Paris and lunch delivered at three floors per second. Tries bien.
LikeLike
merci beaucoup, pomeroy!
LikeLike
I really like your blog, Mr. Mike! Just loving how you’re bringing the world back to us in your own perspective! I’m also making a blog and I would really appreciate it if you could check it out and give me some tips. Thanks again and I definitely look forward to your next post!
elmbranch.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Awesome! Thanks, firerain. Appreciate the love. Will check out your blog soon, give some tips.
LikeLike
I love underground tunnels. Once, a friend led me to the hidden entrance to the underground tunnels that ran beneath my old university. We spent a couple hours wandering around down there. Fascinating but dangerous. I inserted those tunnels into my newly published novel. Some fans say it’s their favorite part of the book.
LikeLike
Very cool, What Happens.
What University are you referring to?
LikeLike
I guess there’s no harm in saying. UCLA.
LikeLike
Funny that I found this post. I’ve just got back from a wee holiday to Paris – I’ve lived a couple of years there. I finally managed to visit the Catacombs – about to write on it actually! It’s always bugged me not knowing what that statue in the wall in Montmartre is all about – you’re the first person to be able to give me any information. Thanks!
LikeLike
Very cool, chic and cheese.
How was your trip? Did you like the Catacombs?
Glad to inform – thanks for reading!
-Mike
LikeLike
It was a lovely trip thanks. I loved them – just included them in my latest post – hope you don’t mind :p
LikeLike
This is such a great blog! Thrilled that I found it! Look forward to your future posts
LikeLike
Thanks for reading, elanessea!
LikeLike
ha ha! I loved this. Just discovered your blog, you’re hilarious and your writing is fabulous as well. I’m glad I came across your site. I haven’t been to Paris yet (almost, the last time I was in England I *almost* made it to Paris but didn’t have a lot of extra time so opted for Scotland instead) but your pics make me want to go to Paris tomorrow. Your photos are incredible. Well done!!! Looking forward to reading more on here. Cheers!
LikeLike
Sorry I just saw this, Cowgirl – was gallivanting around SE Asia.
Thanks so much for reading and for your kind words.
And next time, you gotta hit up Paris (but you made a great choice in Scotland :))
LikeLike
Travelling is my passion…n Paris is on my hit list. ….n ur post makes me wanna see it more…amazing work.
LikeLike
Thanks, medha – you should absolutely go!
LikeLike