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Raccoon Dog Balls


‘Scuse me while I get my wa wa’s out.

My last post was a bit long, and chalk full of uncomfortable feeling things. Sure, they were buried in allegorical stripper fog, but still, feelings…blech, right?

Remember in my last post how, during the hike, I said it was getting dark? You didn’t read my last post….well,  it got dark on Mt. Misen. Like, really, really —no street lights; no stars, steer’s butthole dark. And I got lost for a bit in the darkness.

I finally spotted some lights in the distance, and started truckin’ it, afraid of getting a preview of  the Japanese version of ‘Deliverance’ (‘Deriverance’?) by some rogue forest-dwelling Yakuza members.

The lights were paper lanterns strung up through a park outlined in cherry blossom trees, around a pagoda. It was a really cool moment capped by a chance meeting with my most favorite animal of all time: the Japanese Raccoon Dog, or, Tanuki.


The thing scared the shit out of me as I caught a glance out of my periphery, and at first thought it was a baby bear, which meant momma wasn’t far behind, ready to claw my boyishly handsome face from its foundation bones.

The Raccoon Dog is neither a raccoon, nor a dog, but I pretend it is:

The Tanuki is a half-breed, split right down the middle; a traceable bi-product of a lonesome mutt’s affection (voiced by the lovable Chris O’Dowd, Irish Hound) towards a lovely Raccoon Princess (Amy Poehler).

imagesThe Raccoon King (James Earl Jones), widowed by a pack of wild dogs, scorns the princess for loving the rascal hound. His tight protection ironically pushes her further away, into the paws of our hero, the dog. The Raccoon Kingdom gets attacked by General Squirrel (Patton Oswalt) and his army, but guess who comes to save the Raccoons?

Yup, the dog.

All is well, the two mate – Tanuki!

Like the story of ‘Pocahontas’, but with way more animal sex.

Make it happen, Pixar. (I want 25% on the backend, with full control of merchandise)

The Raccoon Dog is a mischievous critter, with opposable thumbs, and the legendary ability to shapeshift (hence the Crow part of the last post).

There’s another part of the male raccoon dog’s anatomy I’d like to talk about aside from thumbs: its testicles. Raccoon Dogs have notoriously gigantic balls.


There’s even a nursery rhyme about it:

Tan-Tan-Tanuki no kintama wa,
Kaze mo nai no ni,
Bura bura

Tan-tan-tanuki, Your balls sway nicely.

Though the wind stops blowing

They swing, swing, swing


I have no idea what’s happening the picture above, but it looks like some travelers forgot to pay a toll. And what happens when we forget to pay the toll? That’s right, you catch a face-ful of scrot from the Tanuki duo.


The above picture makes no sense, but I appreciate the artistic integrity. Somehow, these sideburned Tanukis have linked scrotums, and used them as fishing nets. Careful with that harpoon, Eugene!


I once ate a whole jar of salsa right before bed, and had a dream I went paragliding with my testicles, so I completely understand this picture. You don’t even need a parachute!

The point of today’s post is: there doesn’t always have to be a point.

Be random. Be you. Be ballsy.

38 Comments Post a comment
  1. oh my am i a still asleep?

    June 14, 2013
    • Maybe, maybe not. Only the raccoon dog knows

      June 14, 2013
      • He seems insightful. ..maybe some sagely advice from him to me would prevent a world of f ups:)

        June 14, 2013
        • This seems like a legit path. It’s rumored the Raccoon Dog provides all fortunes within fortune cookies.

          June 14, 2013
  2. Nathaniel Hahn #

    Hahah…Raccoon Dog is your spirit animal Mike…it calls in your slumber…it steals plums in your spirit…and it is awesome!

    June 14, 2013
    • I think it is my spirit animal. My plum smuggling guide

      June 14, 2013
  3. Steers butthole. That’s dark

    June 14, 2013
  4. danielks #

    Laughed my (tiny human) balls off while reading this one!

    June 14, 2013
    • Thank you, sir. Please bring a raccoon dog back home with you. we’ll raise it, you and I, as two dads would.

      June 14, 2013
  5. Wherever did you find these very interesting Japanese photos? 🙂 I am amazed.

    June 14, 2013
    • The internet is a glorious place, ballerina. 🙂
      I want to blow them up, and hang them at my house.

      June 14, 2013
  6. Hm. Oddly enough, I can relate to the “salsa before bed” maneuver, resulting in ridiculous dreams. Curious that my dreams did not have scrotum-paragliding raccoons in them though… (takes a bit of chips and salsa). Thanks for the laughs mate. What an insane story. I now have learned something new today.

    June 14, 2013
    • A little wine, and some special brownies added to the equation should do the trick. You’ll be dreaming about flying scrotums in no time. 🙂
      Thanks, alexander. Heading to Oregon soon?

      June 14, 2013
      • Hahaha, ah the potent mix. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. And actually, my brother and I are hanging in Denver for a bit so I will be working here and developing the writing/blog/my art and continuing the travels around these parts while I plan for some more travels coming up this summer, perhaps over to Oregon. Talk soon.

        June 14, 2013
        • Sounds good. I was looking at some of your posts, digging what you’ve got going on.
          One of my best buddies just moved to Denver, said he’s loving it so far.
          Take care out there.

          June 14, 2013
          • Awesome thanks a ton for the support man. This whole DIY blogging/writing/start-up is new to me so most of the time I feel like I’m just shuffling around in the dark, not unlike your adventures in Mt. Misen, hoping not to run face first into some overly large raccoon parts.. That’s cool your buddy moved here, because that’s actually how my brother and I got turned in this direction, was to visit some good high school buddies of mine who had moved here. Thanks again, and let me know if you find yourself out here visiting your friend.

            June 14, 2013
            • I still have no idea what I’m doing, but, you know, that’s half the fun.
              Excellent – it’s been far too long since my last colorado adventure, so I might see you soon

              June 16, 2013
              • Haha, i hear ya on that one buddy. Sounds great, that would be awesome. Let me know.

                June 17, 2013
  7. Mike, my my. The title alone piqued my interest. Who doesn’t like a good raccoon dog balls story? I know I always do. So this raccoon dog is now your spiritual guide? What about the lemur? Are you into the cold medicine again?

    June 14, 2013
    • I know, Brigitte, it’s low-brow. But I couldn’t resist.
      I think I traded the lemur for the raccoon dog. Like a spiritual power-up.
      If I said no on the cough syrup, would you believe me?

      June 14, 2013
      • Go with your gut, Mike and that raccoon. Lemur will be disappointed but it’s the natural progression of your spiritual path. And no, I don’t believe you. Perhaps not cough syrup, but…

        Happy weekend, my friend. 😀

        June 14, 2013
        • I’ve grown as a person – the lemur must understand.
          Haha! No cough syrup…

          You too, Brigitte!

          June 14, 2013
  8. Are you sure those raccoon dogs aren’t female? I’m really bad with anatomy, so I can’t tell.

    June 14, 2013
  9. While normally I would find the ability to write at such length about raccoon dog balls a work of genius, the highlight of the piece was casting Patton Oswalt as the power-hungry leader of an army of tiny animals. That was a work of staggering genius, because he was born to play that role.

    June 15, 2013
    • Haha – it was a natural choice, really. Who else would command an army of rodents?
      Thanks, PinotNinja

      June 16, 2013
  10. I heard a huge debate on the radio this week about “ball ironing,” the lastest men’s cosmetic rage thanks to George Clooney. Then I get a steer’s butthole, 25% on your back end, and, of course, scary animal scrotum from you. It’s been a really strange week and one I’m glad is ending. I will not take this personally.

    June 15, 2013
    • Ok, i had to google ball ironing, and now I’m disturbed that such a thing exists, but skeptical Clooney had it done, as he’s a known prankster. If he did, though…

      I’m sorry you’ve had so much scrotum in your week. Next week will have less, promise!

      June 16, 2013
      • I almost wrote, “penises, penises!”, like for promise, following the natural progression from scrotum. I think Clooney had it done at the insistence of his girlfriend. Either way, it’s now on spa menus hither and thither. Icky is all I can say, but then again, what’s to be expected from a culture that also invented butthole bleaching. “Those whitening strips aren’t just for teeth anymore!” No kidding.

        June 16, 2013
        • Bwahaha! I hear Crest has a version of butthole bleach strips coming out.
          Just say no to scrotal ironing.

          June 17, 2013
  11. It’s hard to tell if that raccoon is a guy, or if it’s a older female raccoon whose boobs have just drooped a lot with age.

    June 16, 2013
    • Not seeing a penis, so I’m going with lady raccoon. Little Red Riding Hood looks impressed either way.

      June 17, 2013
  12. Ziggy with a Neck #

    holy crap.

    June 17, 2013

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