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Happy 30th to my beautiful wife @caitoni - you're one year closer to the age you act (90).

Mike’s Next Adventure

Banff, eh.

Sorry I’m Such a Shitty Blogger, Writers.

photo[3]

…and I ain’t draw no good neither.

Looking at 2014, I’ve posted a measly four times.

“Slow and steady wins the race,” you say, to which I lovingly take you into my long wiry arms and stroke your hair: Shhh, sweet darling. Go to sleep now.

I published 20 posts by this time last year, so, why the drastic drop in productivity?

Life happens:

A breakup.

Career.

Steve Guttenberg Movie marathons.

House repairs.

New relationship.

More Guttenberg Movie marathons.

Travel. Work/Pleasure.

New relationship on the fence. Why?

She says I watch too many Steve Guttenberg movies (Kidding – Bones and I are great).

A lot of you have families, children, your own companies, or you dabble in crime fighting AND you have time to blog. I respect you deeply. Where do you find the time? Seriously, give me some of that time or I’ll cut you…

I hear the millions upon millions of new followers from this year, whom I don’t really deserve, inevitably yelling, “Boring. Entertain me, Clown!”

20148-o

No Pain, No Rogaine

I discovered I have 10-15 gray hairs in my beard, and my forehead seems to be growing. How long until I’m officially a five-head silver fox? How long after said moment do I just look like a wrinkled sack of…well…balls?

Unknown

Shilver Foxsh

The many ‘almost deaths’ of the prematurely-silver pup.

The first time I almost died in my house, I had had a couple of wine drinks and made a cozy fire in the fireplace thinking the flue was open. An hour later I woke up to a Snoop Dogg induced haze and I had to military crawl to the windows and doors to open them.

I should have died. I’m fucking dumb.

People at work asked why I smelled like campfire a good month afterwards as I had smoked everything I own, mostly my clothes.

“Uhh, went camping this weekend with my entire wardrobe…haha (*tear).”

Last Friday, I stayed up late and watched a string of horror movies (changed up the Guttenberg run). I live alone, so I went to sleep a little on edge: 1.) I’m blind without contacts, which I take out each night 2.) I only have a baseball bat to protect me from intruders or boogeypeople (there can be boogeygirls, equal opportunity, see: The Ring, or anything starring Kirstie Alley).

05_Flatbed_2 - APRIL   Original Filename: oprah kirstie alley.jpg

Around 4 in the morning —it’s all blurry o’clock—my cat, Thief Richards, decided to knock a frisbee off the dining room table onto the (hardwood) floor causing quite the clatter. I arose (fell) out of bed to see what was the matter (grasping for the baseball bat) and ended up dinging (smashing) my noggin (skull brain) into the wall. Oh dear (FUCKING ow), I politely exclaimed.

It was then I had a starry-eyed revelation: that’s how I would be found – half naked, neck broken, blind, all because of a frisbee…

Coroner: “Subject seems to have been under duress, possible nighttime hallucinations.”

Rookie Cop: “Poor guy. Lived alone with his cat. Pretty lame if you ask me.”

Coroner: “Couple of gray beard hairs, has silver fox potential.”

Rookie Cop: “Had. HAD silver fox potential. I’ll check the dresser for cash.”

Coroner: “Splitsies!”

Balls Part 2

I was scraping sloppily applied (and subsequently, dried) grout off my newly finished bathroom tile this evening, thinking about how lovely molding would look around the base of the floor/wall and how it would really…

…this train of thought prompted a paralyzing moment of sheer panic: holy shit, I’m an adult.

Not sure how long I was bound to the soothing temperature and acoustics of the floor, but anyone who moseyed into my house at that moment would have found me rolled up in a ball with a razor blade in my hand softly chanting Aum Namah Shivaya, from the heart removal scene in ‘Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom’.

Sacrifice_victim

Source: Speilberg’s gardener’s myspace profile.

I did the only logical thing I could think to do —put on my ‘Class of ’99’ t-shirt I got when I was fifth grade, and headed to Burger King to ease myself into the play area ball pit. I call this childhood submersion, but the police call this Alligator Pedophile. No charges were filed.

Bliters, whoggers, whatever, amen. 

Are you a blogger or a writer?

I’ve had a problem with my allegiance and there’s an argument for either side. I’ve always viewed blogging as practice writing, but it seems bloggers have somehow penetrated News as legit sources of information. This is confusing, and maybe a testament to the expeditious manner in which resources are checked/not checked before stories are run. We are a ‘now’ society; bloggers are ‘now’ writers. Maybe I’m part blogger AND writer; a wagger? Maybe I’m neither.

What are you?

**********

This was fun. I’ve missed posting. I’m back.

tumblr_lg5rjc6BZi1qaglflo1_500

 

 

 

 

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69 comments on “Sorry I’m Such a Shitty Blogger, Writers.

  1. Cbu says:

    Good to have ya back – missed these!

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Sis. Hands hurt from typing – need practice.

  2. susielindau says:

    I went through major suckage with breast cancer last year. Change can be hard, but that’s how we learn and grow, in your case, kicking and screaming all the way. 🙂

    1. mabukach says:

      Yeah…nothing I’ve been through compares to your year. You are an inspiration, Susie. I usually kick and scream along the way, then turn it around and start karate chopping forward. 🙂

      1. susielindau says:

        It’s weird how the tough stuff clarifies and brings perspective. Right before Danny and I got married, I went through a break up of three years. After that, I had a punch list of things I was looking for in a long lasting relationship. I was ready and a few months later, we were married! 🙂

        1. mabukach says:

          Was skiing on that list? 🙂

          1. susielindau says:

            It was for both of us! It’s why Danny lived in Colorado. I lived in the land of icy slopes, Wisconsin, at the time.

  3. Brigitte says:

    Mike, I’ve missed your whimsical, albeit thought-provoking prose. I too have been a shitty blogger and plan to return to it soon. Sometimes you just lose (notice I spelled lose correctly instead of loose as many “writers” do these end of, ur…days) your mojo. I lost mine and think it may be packed in a box somewhere as my nomadic arse is moving to new digs yet again (not cross-country but another move). Glad to hear you’re (not your) up and running again. And it’s imperative that you open that flue from now on. Sorry or congrats about all the other — it’s all how you look at it, I suppose. Thief Richardson will always be on your side so you got that going for you — Meow, rawr.

    As far as being a blogger or writer I don’t know what I am but I do think blogging helps one become a better writer, especially if one blogs/posts (which is it — I’m still confused about that) regularly.

    Thanks for the laughs today. I needed it.

    P.S. (Chachi will have yet another home — he is folded in a box).

    1. mabukach says:

      Word of the day: Flue. Not flu, as in, influenza – told you I was a shitty writer.
      Moving again? Where to now? You travel more than I do, but when you travel, you take all your belongings with you. 🙂

      I almost sent you a direct email, posing the blogger vs. writer question. Sounds like you’re a wrogger…

      Chachi will be worth some cash someday, I just know it!

    2. Maggie O'C says:

      Moving again?! Where are you off to Brig?

      1. Brigitte says:

        Staying local. Buying, babe and all the stressors that go along with it. Sheesh. How are you??

        1. Maggie O'C says:

          Will we get photos?! All is well here. Got the girls a car yesterday so I can cross “chauffeur” off my job list! Yay!

          1. Brigitte says:

            WOO HOO. I’ll email you a pic. It’s sweet.

  4. claywatkins says:

    we all have times when we can;t do everything we want to do – I’m glad you are back, keep at it and do what’s important for you.. have a great week… btw I am about to drop off the radar and post maybe once a week – school starts tomorrow and so do my carefree mornings of reading, writing, and blogging for a couple of hours (or more)…. gotta take it how it comes….

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Clay – you have yourself a great week as well. Are you in school? Kiddies in school? Are you a teacher/Prof?

      1. claywatkins says:

        thanks\you’re welcome – I teach 8th grade (13-14 years olds) and start tomorrow – I can’t wait to get back to school – kicking and screaming the entire way – just like my (own) kids they start school tomorrow… I’ll do my best – keep at it.

        1. mabukach says:

          Props to you, Clay – you must have the patience of a saint.

  5. I didn’t notice that you were MIA until I read your post. Very funny. Nothing like Roam About Mike and a cup of coffee to start the day off right.
    Welcome back.

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Carmo!
      What’s new and exciting in your world?

  6. OK, I’ll skip the bro-hug with your sweet wiry arms (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but it’s nice to see you post something. Actually, you were probably the first blog I followed on here and I believe the only one that I’ve stayed with the whole time. I don’t know if that says something about you or me….but it says something. Welcome back!

    1. mabukach says:

      Alright, no bro hug, but after that awesome compliment I’m inclined to go for one. Seriously, thanks Battle. Not sure what it says about your or me, maybe we’re both just a little… off.

  7. Maggie O'C says:

    I’m so happy to see you, pretty boy! Sometimes life is an ass kicker and I’m sorry to hear about the break up. That’s rough. And you blog when you feel it my brutha. I think you are a travel writer but a life blogger. Does that make sense? You are also really funny and you should always feel free to repost your best stuff, recatagorize and Voyla! You got a whole new audience! What, me? Noooo, I would never do that but I’ve heard about people who have.

    Here’s what my dad would say as you re-entered the room.

    “Mike, my boy! Turn around!”
    You turn around because you indulge a crazy parent of a friend of yours and dad says,
    “Glad to see your back!”
    And I am.

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Maggie – I think I’m going to use that ‘travel writer/life blogger’…hmm.

      Ha! Oh man, that is a great idea. Been looking to touch up the blog a bit.

      Punny Lady!

      How’s everything in your world?

      1. Maggie O'C says:

        All is well, thank you. I sort of like the visual of puking up a blog.

  8. Good to see your front, back and scrawling’s again.
    Blog when you want…that’s the fun part…
    No one would enjoy a forced blog…kinda (not “kind of” as many would write) like making yourself puke, but with awfully tasting words.
    Be good my friend.
    -Jim

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Jim.

      I do have to force myself to blog more, but not force a blog of puke words.

      Hope you’re well!

  9. ballerina95 says:

    Looking forward to more laughs and entertainment 🙂

    1. mabukach says:

      Thank you, ballerina!

  10. calahan says:

    You post even less than I do, man. That is quite a feat. Post whenever you want, Mike. There’s no pressure. I’ll read you, either way. 🙂

    1. mabukach says:

      Ha! Thank you, friend. Are you officially done with school? Are you a Dr. Blogger?

      1. calahan says:

        I am done with school, but not blogging doctorate in my future. Although, I think that if I become a famous rock star, have a really public downfall, but recover and admirably get my life in order by helping troubled teens through my non-profit, then I can get one of those honorary doctorates. Booyah! I just saved money on tuition!

        1. mabukach says:

          Behind the WordPress: The Rise and Fall and Rise of Dr. Blog.

        2. mabukach says:

          And congrats on finishing school! What’s next?

          1. calahan says:

            Hoping for an interview soon.

  11. HRH says:

    Did I miss Balls part 1? I scrolled up and down, up and down (causing my desire to increase 10-fold for one of those humongous monitors turned in the “portrait” mode just to be able to see your entire blog post in one screen’s length).

    So, a breakup

    I can no longer allow you to prattle on about being a “shitty blogger” when in fact, you aren’t a blogger at all. You are a writer, a fucking fantastic writer! I, too, look at blogging as “practice writing”. I don’t write blog posts to gain followers or have a million likes (clearly, I don’t write often, and I definitely do not have a million “likes” or followers for that matter). I write a blog post when I feel like it, and only when I have time, which isn’t often. It’s more a way through the times I feel as if forming one letter after another to create words, then sentences, then paragraphs, etc., will never come again.

    There are only two writers here that inspire me, provoke loud laughs, and motivate me in those times where my brain isn’t communicating well with my hand or pen to the paper. (That is not to dismiss other bloggers or even other writers who happen to have blogs. I just don’t have the kind of time to search out others unless somehow, their blog pops up on my radar.)

    You are one of those two who inspires me.

    When you say “Bones”, does that mean you’re dating Kathy Reichs, Dr. Temperance Brennan, or Emily Deschanel? If it is the good “doc”, then you may want to consider having a medical that includes a mental check, as she is not real.

    I love Steve Guttenberg, but dear God, he’s so happy, sometimes he makes me want to chuck my lunch. He is quite endearing, though.

    Off to my own writing. I’ve spent so much time reading posts (well, just yours, actually, which just happened to be at the top of my feed when I logged in) that I realize my eyes are drooping, my head heavy. And I would like to post something on my own blog this evening.

    Cheers!

    1. mabukach says:

      Ha – balls 1 was the ‘what happens post-silver fox’ reference.

      That’s very nice of you to say – in fact, you made my day. Thank you, HRH. I emerge from the blog cocoon a pretty writerfly.

      Leonard H. “Bones” McCoy, actually…kidding. Though dating Emily Deschanel, or that other Deschanel would be nice. I’m sure Thanksgiving at the Deschanel house is fun.

      Police Academy Guttenberg is where it’s at – I wonder if there’s a darkness behind the sugary Gutt.

      Good luck to you in your writing endeavors!

      1. HRH says:

        Dear Writerfly (you chose it),

        I have no doubt the Deschanel holiday house is cool.

        Sugary Gutt…that’s a great character name, a play on words if you were to pronounce “Gutt” like “gut”. I would love to see an evil side to Gutt, though. It would be surreal. I imagine a cross between Heath Ledger’s “Joker” and the candy store owner in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”. Actually, imagining that combination is quite creepy much like clowns stir fear in even the bravest person.

        1. mabukach says:

          You just created a new horror-movie clown monster named SugarGut!
          Let’s trademark it before someone else gets to it.

          1. HRH says:

            Have you received approval for the trademark? I’ve been waiting here all along in hopes of news, yet, nothing. Wait. When you say “let’s”, you mean both of us? I thought you would do all the work, and I’d suck up all the glory. 😉

          2. HRH says:

            Crazy days, so much so I can’t recall responding to this. Please, trademark it. Of course, you’ll do all the work, and I’ll suck up all the glory. (Surely I posted this already. It’s all very “deja’ vu-ey”.)

  12. I hate to break your heart here, but in the race to be shittiest blogger, I win. Two blog posts this year. TWO.

    Also, you and I had a very similar year. Mine was breakup, job stuff, doing drugs with Charlie Sheen, getting sober with Lindsay Lohan, writing a second blog post.

    1. mabukach says:

      Damn, you do win.

      Sorry about your breakup – How is MaSheen these days? And is getting sober with Lohan as boring as it sounds?

      1. MaSheen is full of Tiger’s Blood (and cocaine).

  13. You can say “shitty” in a blog?

    That’s fuckin’ incredible!

    1. mabukach says:

      Jim – this comment went to spam…made me laugh when I found it!

      1. That about sums it up for me…Spam is what I am…

  14. Laura says:

    I did the only logical thing I could think to do —put on my ‘Class of ’99’ t-shirt I got when I was fifth grade, and headed to Burger King to ease myself into the play area ball pit. I call this childhood submersion, but the police call this Alligator Pedophile. No charges were filed. That is my favorite amongst this disturbing collection of images.

    But a close second would be you, passed out on wine coolers, barely visible through a not-weed smoke haze. Bravo for almost dying by the age of, what? 33. Jesus age.

    Congratulations on the list of life’s events! (Which, were any kind of real award-winning, multitudinousely-subscribed blogger, may have each had their own striking image. Oh well.)

    Welcome back!

    1. mabukach says:

      Thank you thank you, Laura.

      Haha – yes. Tis truly a disturbing image, buried in the depths of the fun-time ball pit.

      I died for my Zins…just going to leave that one there, take it or leave it.

      How are things in NM?

  15. Laura says:

    Fecal Pits are what I call those fast food horror chambers. But by all means, don’t let that interfere with your regression therapy.

    Things good here, just so so busy all the way around. Little time for WP playground these days. You?

    1. mabukach says:

      Things are good. Catching up at work after a nice little vacation in…well, you’ll have to see soon! 🙂

  16. Carina says:

    We all suck at blogging sometimes, but it’s okay to step away, live your life and jump back into it. Maybe that’s just me justifying my sucky blogging too. But if it’s a passion…make time for it. can’t wait for more reads!

    Cheers,
    Carina
    Carinadoesit.wordpress.com

    1. mabukach says:

      Ha! Thanks, Carina – you’ve made me feel much better, and much less guilty about being such a shitty blogger. 🙂

      -Mike

  17. FitsofWit says:

    You asked how other people find the time to blog.
    They don’t watch Steve Guttenberg movie marathons.
    But you do you, boo.
    Funny post.
    Consider yourself followed.
    Also, Susie sent me from her bitchin’ blog party.

    1. mabukach says:

      Ha! If Steve G. wasn’t so damn captivating, I would be able to get some work done.

      Thanks, FitsofWit – Susie is freaking awesome.

  18. Phil says:

    Dropping by from Susie’s party. So I guess in another four months you’ll write another post? Hey, I could get amazing inspiration from watching Stevie G in all those Police Academy movies and write many twisted things.

    Dude, you have a bitchin’ writing style. Me? I’m just a gluttonous drunkard sarcastic douche blogger that knows how to use a computer enough to write a blog.

    1. mabukach says:

      Hey, Phil
      Thanks for stopping by. Police Academy…3 Men and a Baby…Cocoon – twisted things indeed.

      Thanks man. I appreciate it. haha – are we the same person? I write good.

      -Mike

  19. litebeing says:

    Hi Mike,
    You have a wicked sense of humor, but maybe not the best taste in movies 🙂
    Susie sent me , so you know I came runnin’.
    Now I feel less guilty about blogging less than once a week sometimes,lol!

    peace,
    litebeing

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, litebeing.

      What! You don’t like Steve Guttenberg movies!? Yeah, I have horrible taste in movies…

      Thanks to Susie, and thanks to you for stopping by.

      -Mike

  20. ingalicious says:

    Welcome back! I have only just discovered your blog, so am thrilled that you will keep posting (and a little relieved that I haven’t missed over 100 posts already this year, since I would feel obligated to read them all, just to catch up).

    Looking forward to hearing more from you.

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks for reading, ingalicious!

      I will try my hardest to not suck at blogging so you may enjoy/participate in the insanity. 🙂

  21. Maria Andrea says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever been that entertained reading a blog before. You sir, do the complete opposite of sucking at blogging.

    1. mabukach says:

      Why thank you, Maria. And thanks for stopping by – welcome.

  22. meganva says:

    I’m new here; took a leap of faith with a WP recommendation. Can’t say I regret it; your post was great! I love your writing, and look forward to reading more 🙂

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks for stopping by, meganva. Welcome to my awkward little part of the Internet.

  23. phreshid says:

    Mike, I started reading and wasn’t expecting much, but man, you had me laughing! Brilliant writing and especially killing it with those jokes. The hardest things to write are jokes, but you do make it look easy. Appreciate the post.

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks for stopping by, phreshid. Appreciate your kind words.

  24. TravelGeeky says:

    You are simply an amazing writer…the topics are so even but you’ve added a lot in those

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, TravelGeeky. I really appreciate it – thanks for reading. -Mike

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