SupercalifragilisticexpiVaccinosis

Day 1

9am –  I’m at the Ohio State Travel immunization office today to get vaccinated for my upcoming trip to Vietnam. Had to drive through a group of picketing anti-vaxxers to get into the office. Someone threw a vanilla latte and an Ugg boot at my car. I got out, yelled “OMG! Jenny McCarthy!” to distract the horde (Jenny, as we all know, has a PhD from Johns Hopkins in inoculations and nudity).

10am – Safe inside the OSU office, I get a comprehensive overview of Vietnam ‘at risks’ diseases from the nurse practitioner. Decide to go with Hep A shot in shoulder and a DTap in my butt. Received oral (live) typhoid vaccine and malaria pills along with cartoon alligator bandages for the needle wounds. Easy peasy.

10:30am – Ducked another Starbucks cup on the way out of the office; caught a slight hint of chai as it whizzed over my head. Heard some pretty solid chants like ‘Only a corn-holio would vaccinate for Polio!’, and ‘What do we want? Measles! When do we want it? Now!’ and ‘Jerry, Jerry he’s a lug, has anyone seen my other Ugg? Seriously, you guys…’

12pm – At work, just had lunch. I’m sort of itchy, but everything seems normal.

2pm – Really itchy now. Hives everywhere. Looked up ‘hives’ on WebMD, and this is a common side effect of the vaccines, but I may have cancer.

3pm – Itching is getting worse. Craving virgin blood; still a normal reaction. Somehow I know Mars is in retrograde.

4pm – Horrendous migraine and my armpits smell like bean dip. My tear ducts are bleeding but I have to check out the spring sale at Hot Topic at Tuttle Mall, immediately.

5pm – At the mall now. I just micturating on the woman sampling Orange Chicken in front of Panda Express. Can’t stop howling ‘Herd Health!’ over and over to the kids on the merry-go-round. Where are my pants?

Hurry! Get your vaccine against gigantism!

Day 2

7am – Woke up wearing a shredded Fall Out Boy T-shirt and guy-liner. Looks like I got my nose pierced. Headache is gone. Major cotton mouth, though. Literally, there are tufts of white cotton in my mouth…I vaguely remember a run-in with the Easter Bunny at the mall.

8:30am – Leaving for work. Unmarked police car at bottom of my driveway. Must be some local break-ins.

9:15am – Taking typhoid vaccine along with morning coffee. 4 days of this bad boy! Down the hatch! Going to ‘Nam, baby!!!

9:17am – I just shit my office chair. Now in Men’s room stall, not sure how i’m going to explain this to my boss. Instantaneous adverse effects to live typhoid vaccine.

9:30am – Co-worker, Todd, walked in to the bathroom, started choking and promptly passed out. I hope he’s ok, he hit his head pretty hard. He must have that flu that’s going around the office. I also hope he doesn’t wake up because his face ended up right by the opening in the bottom part of the stall. He will know it’s me in here!

10:15am – Todd’s still out cold.  My butt has pins and needles and I’ve lost 7 pounds in 33 minutes. Note to self: New diet idea! Vacci-weight loss system.

10:30am – Limped out of the stall, stepped over Todd; work is being evacuated on account of a bio-hazard threat. I guess a pipe burst or something. Heading home, tired.

Day 4

11am – Whoa. Slept for 48 hours straight! Must have needed it. Just got an email from work, they’ve quarantined the office. Snow day! Heard some bad news about Todd — he’s dead, had some sort of accident at work. Now who’s going to play point guard for our rec league basketball team? Guy was a triple double machine!

1pm – Taking the rest of the typhoid pills with breakfast. Don’t want to miss the cycle; will just take everything at once, malaria pills, too,  just to speed up everything.

Day 7 

4pm – !Bienvenidos from Mexico! Not sure how I ended up south of the border. Apparently the blueberry pancakes I had for breakfast three days ago didn’t agree with me. Maybe the anti-vaxxers were right about the dangers of taking pills to combat population eradicating diseases and I’m suffering from a severe case of hypochondria vaccinosis!

Side effects include poor Spanglish and spontaneous relocation syndrome. !Dios mio!

Don’t have my passport but I’ve been promoted to head scout of a coyotaje run through Cuidad Juarez with my new friend Señor Pepe. He’s letting me cross back into the US for free because I won a marshmallow swallowing contest (they tasted strangely like balloons, but Pepe said that’s the taste of authentic Mexican malvaviscos), arriba!

 Day 10

Finally back at home. Had a very strange experience in San Antonio with a couple of Señor Pepe’s friends that were, kind of probe-y. I don’t think those were Mexico marshmallows and I’d rather not talk about the experience. No me gusto.

Well, I’ve got to go – looks like there’s couple of detectives at the door probably want to speak to me about the break-ins around the neighborhood, or the permanent shut down of our office. It’s been a fun 10 days; I’ve upgraded my body to resist tetanus, hepatitis A, typhoid, and malaria, and I feel like a million Vietnamese Dong.

See you soon, Hanoi.

-Mike