Day 1
9am – I’m at the Ohio State Travel immunization office today to get vaccinated for my upcoming trip to Vietnam. Had to drive through a group of picketing anti-vaxxers to get into the office. Someone threw a vanilla latte and an Ugg boot at my car. I got out, yelled “OMG! Jenny McCarthy!” to distract the horde (Jenny, as we all know, has a PhD from Johns Hopkins in inoculations and nudity).
10am – Safe inside the OSU office, I get a comprehensive overview of Vietnam ‘at risks’ diseases from the nurse practitioner. Decide to go with Hep A shot in shoulder and a DTap in my butt. Received oral (live) typhoid vaccine and malaria pills along with cartoon alligator bandages for the needle wounds. Easy peasy.
10:30am – Ducked another Starbucks cup on the way out of the office; caught a slight hint of chai as it whizzed over my head. Heard some pretty solid chants like ‘Only a corn-holio would vaccinate for Polio!’, and ‘What do we want? Measles! When do we want it? Now!’ and ‘Jerry, Jerry he’s a lug, has anyone seen my other Ugg? Seriously, you guys…’
12pm – At work, just had lunch. I’m sort of itchy, but everything seems normal.
2pm – Really itchy now. Hives everywhere. Looked up ‘hives’ on WebMD, and this is a common side effect of the vaccines, but I may have cancer.
3pm – Itching is getting worse. Craving virgin blood; still a normal reaction. Somehow I know Mars is in retrograde.
4pm – Horrendous migraine and my armpits smell like bean dip. My tear ducts are bleeding but I have to check out the spring sale at Hot Topic at Tuttle Mall, immediately.
5pm – At the mall now. I just micturating on the woman sampling Orange Chicken in front of Panda Express. Can’t stop howling ‘Herd Health!’ over and over to the kids on the merry-go-round. Where are my pants?
Day 2
7am – Woke up wearing a shredded Fall Out Boy T-shirt and guy-liner. Looks like I got my nose pierced. Headache is gone. Major cotton mouth, though. Literally, there are tufts of white cotton in my mouth…I vaguely remember a run-in with the Easter Bunny at the mall.
8:30am – Leaving for work. Unmarked police car at bottom of my driveway. Must be some local break-ins.
9:15am – Taking typhoid vaccine along with morning coffee. 4 days of this bad boy! Down the hatch! Going to ‘Nam, baby!!!
9:17am – I just shit my office chair. Now in Men’s room stall, not sure how i’m going to explain this to my boss. Instantaneous adverse effects to live typhoid vaccine.
9:30am – Co-worker, Todd, walked in to the bathroom, started choking and promptly passed out. I hope he’s ok, he hit his head pretty hard. He must have that flu that’s going around the office. I also hope he doesn’t wake up because his face ended up right by the opening in the bottom part of the stall. He will know it’s me in here!
10:15am – Todd’s still out cold. My butt has pins and needles and I’ve lost 7 pounds in 33 minutes. Note to self: New diet idea! Vacci-weight loss system.
10:30am – Limped out of the stall, stepped over Todd; work is being evacuated on account of a bio-hazard threat. I guess a pipe burst or something. Heading home, tired.
Day 4
11am – Whoa. Slept for 48 hours straight! Must have needed it. Just got an email from work, they’ve quarantined the office. Snow day! Heard some bad news about Todd — he’s dead, had some sort of accident at work. Now who’s going to play point guard for our rec league basketball team? Guy was a triple double machine!
1pm – Taking the rest of the typhoid pills with breakfast. Don’t want to miss the cycle; will just take everything at once, malaria pills, too, just to speed up everything.
Day 7
4pm – !Bienvenidos from Mexico! Not sure how I ended up south of the border. Apparently the blueberry pancakes I had for breakfast three days ago didn’t agree with me. Maybe the anti-vaxxers were right about the dangers of taking pills to combat population eradicating diseases and I’m suffering from a severe case of hypochondria vaccinosis!
Side effects include poor Spanglish and spontaneous relocation syndrome. !Dios mio!
Don’t have my passport but I’ve been promoted to head scout of a coyotaje run through Cuidad Juarez with my new friend Señor Pepe. He’s letting me cross back into the US for free because I won a marshmallow swallowing contest (they tasted strangely like balloons, but Pepe said that’s the taste of authentic Mexican malvaviscos), arriba!
Day 10
Finally back at home. Had a very strange experience in San Antonio with a couple of Señor Pepe’s friends that were, kind of probe-y. I don’t think those were Mexico marshmallows and I’d rather not talk about the experience. No me gusto.
Well, I’ve got to go – looks like there’s couple of detectives at the door probably want to speak to me about the break-ins around the neighborhood, or the permanent shut down of our office. It’s been a fun 10 days; I’ve upgraded my body to resist tetanus, hepatitis A, typhoid, and malaria, and I feel like a million Vietnamese Dong.
See you soon, Hanoi.
-Mike
You make me laugh.
LikeLike
aww shucks.
LikeLike
I’m sure it will be worth it, right? I hope you find a new point guard soon…
LikeLike
We can only hope (on both comments).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your armpits really do smell like bean dip… no wonder I’m ALWAYS hungry.
LikeLike
You’re the tortilla chip to my bean dip. Nailed it?
LikeLike
Wasn’t Todd the guy that owed you money? Son of a bitch!
LikeLike
Damn it, Mike! He totally did…
LikeLike
Hahaha! A whiff of chai! Ok, consider thyself followed.
LikeLike
Yusss! Thanks, Serendipity!
LikeLike