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West Bank, #cleveland. #britewinter

Mike’s Next Adventure

On Marrying a Christmas Nut: An Ode to Roam About Gal

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One of life’s more eye-roll inducing marketing schemes is the perpetual lengthening of the beginning of the holiday season. This year, retail stores stripped the spirit of wintry bliss by replacing the rah-rah-rah of July 4th, with the immediate ho-ho-ho of animatronic Santas on July 5th. 

Like warm weather NFL teams, or that man boob’ed “skinny” guy from Subway, something just doesn’t seem right about this consumer war on holiday traditions.

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The progression should be natural: summer, then autumn, then Halloween. You move to Thanksgiving, gain 14 pounds, and THEN, with every crevice of your digestive system filled with sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and kielbasa sausage,  you unbuckle your belt for Christmas.

This is how it should be, right?

Apparently not all people agree. Apparently some folks are really into Christmas and think this Halloween and Thanksgiving flyover is a good thing. Then, there’s the next level of yuletide fanatics; an odd breed of folks who get thoroughly stoked hearing sleigh bells mid-March.

And one of those weirdos is my very soon-to-be wife, Caitlin.

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She stared like this for hours on end.

Hi, my name is Roam About Mike, and next week I’ll be marrying a Christmas nut.

What do you mean by “nut”, Mike?

Yo-ho dear, friends! Let me give some examples:

1. Christmas countdown computer screen savers, with fairly frequent updates. April 3rd? Only 200 some odd days until christmas!

2. I made a deal in early September that Christmas music shalt not be played in the house until at least November 1st. I thought it was a nice tactical diversion. Nope! It’s been a month, and I’ve heard more Mariah Carey-impressions in four weeks than one man should ever be subjected to in a lifetime.

To whit, if I ever meet Kenny G., I will shake his hand, thank him for producing the most played album in the history of male/female cohabitation, grab the soprano saxophone he inevitably carries around with him everywhere, and shove it so far up his doopa, he’ll be farting smooth jazz from here to Bethlehem.

3. Lifetime/Hallmark Christmas Movies—I’ve watched sixteen of them already. The premise of these cinematic gems? Man and woman meet, they fall for each other (even with their different socio-economic statuses and families keeping them apart), and they end up together in the most formulaic unexpected way, mostly through the help of Santa Clause. Throw in some reindeer and terrible acting from childhood actors/actresses of the 80’s.

End.

4. Any words or names or phrasing sounding remotely similar to ‘Christmas’ (ie. litmus, uno mas, Chris Kost…) prompts a silence-shattering ‘CHRISTMAS!’ from Caitlin. No matter how quietly the former word(s) are spoken.

5. *Sniff, sniff (Something in the house smells piney and festive and Christmassy).

“Babe, what’s that smell?” – Me

“It’s Christmas!” – Caitlin

“But where is it coming from?”

“My heart!” – Caitlin

I’ve surrendered our home to the frills of a Griswoldian lumination. This is an honest to goodness aerial view of our house:

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From Roam About Gal and Mike—Happy Holidays, everyone. And in the famous words of Tiny Tim, “Dad, I’m starving!”

Next Up: South Korea

21 comments on “On Marrying a Christmas Nut: An Ode to Roam About Gal

  1. Caitlin says:

    Embrace it, man. You are looking at a lifetime of holiday cheer.

    1. Caitlin says:

      And I think you mean Christmas chestnut.

      1. mabukach says:

        Chestnut sounds crude.

  2. Congratulations!!
    Never lose your wry sense of humor, and as long as you’re both smiling, even when and if the ALLMIGHTY bird is being flipped, it will end happily-ever-after.

    1. mabukach says:

      Thank you thank you. We shall prevail through the bird moments!

  3. HRH says:

    In the words of Scott Calvin/aka Santa Claus from “The Santa Claus 2”, after he gets married and she admonishes him for something, “And so it begins!” And those cheesy movies…I just lost 90 minutes of my life on a horribly written and acted film. That’s 90 minutes of my life I can’t get back. But next year, when I’m bored and invariably procrastinating something (writing deadlines perhaps?), I will watch it again, in the name of Christmas cheer (procrastination).

    1. mabukach says:

      ‘Christmas with the Kranks’, ‘The Santa Claus’, ‘The Santa Claus 2′, we’ve watched ’em all already. Ho-Ho-NO!

      1. HRH says:

        I’m telling you, they are all horrible. But the wholesomeness, the magic of Christmas cheer, is embedded in each one, even though they all have the same plot with different actors. It’s like watching the horribly made, terribly inaccurate, and definitely biased “based on true events” Lifetimes TV movies. They’re so bad, but I can’t quite help myself. (It’s truly more about procrastinating for me, even if it means wasting the time watching something that’s “Ho-Ho-NO-ish”.

        1. HRH says:

          Lifetime not Lifetimes (why can’t I ever edit my comments???)

      2. HRH says:

        What about “Love at the Christmas Table”? Ghastly title, but overall, fairly good film as these Christmas films rate.

        1. mabukach says:

          I’m finally out of the Christmas movie world. Until September, when it all starts again…

  4. Erin E. says:

    I am an absolute Christmas fanatic, within the confines of the season. For me, that means Christmas music, lights, drinks, movies, candles, etc. from the day after Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day. Any longer and, for me, the season wouldn’t be as special.

    Your light game is on point. No way Santa’s missing your house!

    1. mabukach says:

      Well, at least you wait until after Thanksgiving…this stuff starts in early September!

      Ha! Not really my house, but very very close.

  5. HonieBriggs says:

    All the best to you both. Don’t be surprised if you, too, become a Christmas nut. It happens.

    1. mabukach says:

      Oh lord I hope not.
      Thanks, Honie!

  6. The Traveloholic says:

    Hey,
    I just nominated you for an award!
    https://thetraveloholic.wordpress.com/2016/01/15/blogger-recognition-award/
    You are free to accept or reject it, but it would mean a lot, if you did.

    Regards,
    Somnath Verma

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Traveloholic! I am honored.

  7. susielindau says:

    I missed this one. CONGRATULATIONS! By now you’re wearing elastic pants like an old married man.

    1. mabukach says:

      Thanks, Susie! Wait, how did you know I’m wearing old man pants (because I really am)?

  8. Gavin says:

    This blog was inspiring.

    1. mabukach says:

      Are you inspired to marry a christmas nut?

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