One of life’s more eye-roll inducing marketing schemes is the perpetual lengthening of the beginning of the holiday season. This year, retail stores stripped the spirit of wintry bliss by replacing the rah-rah-rah of July 4th, with the immediate ho-ho-ho of animatronic Santas on July 5th.
Like warm weather NFL teams, or that man boob’ed “skinny” guy from Subway, something just doesn’t seem right about this consumer war on holiday traditions.
The progression should be natural: summer, then autumn, then Halloween. You move to Thanksgiving, gain 14 pounds, and THEN, with every crevice of your digestive system filled with sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and kielbasa sausage, you unbuckle your belt for Christmas.
This is how it should be, right?
Apparently not all people agree. Apparently some folks are really into Christmas and think this Halloween and Thanksgiving flyover is a good thing. Then, there’s the next level of yuletide fanatics; an odd breed of folks who get thoroughly stoked hearing sleigh bells mid-March.
And one of those weirdos is my very soon-to-be wife, Caitlin.
Hi, my name is Roam About Mike, and next week I’ll be marrying a Christmas nut.
What do you mean by “nut”, Mike?
Yo-ho dear, friends! Let me give some examples:
1. Christmas countdown computer screen savers, with fairly frequent updates. April 3rd? Only 200 some odd days until christmas!
2. I made a deal in early September that Christmas music shalt not be played in the house until at least November 1st. I thought it was a nice tactical diversion. Nope! It’s been a month, and I’ve heard more Mariah Carey-impressions in four weeks than one man should ever be subjected to in a lifetime.
To whit, if I ever meet Kenny G., I will shake his hand, thank him for producing the most played album in the history of male/female cohabitation, grab the soprano saxophone he inevitably carries around with him everywhere, and shove it so far up his doopa, he’ll be farting smooth jazz from here to Bethlehem.
3. Lifetime/Hallmark Christmas Movies—I’ve watched sixteen of them already. The premise of these cinematic gems? Man and woman meet, they fall for each other (even with their different socio-economic statuses and families keeping them apart), and they end up together in the most
formulaic unexpected way, mostly through the help of Santa Clause. Throw in some reindeer and terrible acting from childhood actors/actresses of the 80’s.
4. Any words or names or phrasing sounding remotely similar to ‘Christmas’ (ie. litmus, uno mas, Chris Kost…) prompts a silence-shattering ‘CHRISTMAS!’ from Caitlin. No matter how quietly the former word(s) are spoken.
5. *Sniff, sniff (Something in the house smells piney and festive and Christmassy).
“Babe, what’s that smell?” – Me
“It’s Christmas!” – Caitlin
“But where is it coming from?”
“My heart!” – Caitlin
I’ve surrendered our home to the frills of a Griswoldian lumination. This is an honest to goodness aerial view of our house:
From Roam About Gal and Mike—Happy Holidays, everyone. And in the famous words of Tiny Tim, “Dad, I’m starving!”
Next Up: South Korea