My proclivity for drinking coffee stems from an innate hatred of mornings. I like the nightlife; I like to boogie – so while most people are bounding out of bed yipping about sunshine and lollipops in super-chipper voices, I’m calling the alarm clock a filthy name, hoping I don’t break yet another snooze button.
I envy morning people. I imagine I would probably be a famous writer by now if I weren’t such an anti-morning person. Wake up super early everyday, write, eat lunch, write some more, watch Matlock, chamomile tea, sleep. Novel finished in weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I like waking up/being alive, I just have a tough time getting things moving. My little sister also suffers from this lack of ‘day’sire, a convenient opportunity for blaming genetics whilst embracing my propensity for coffee.
Coffee, with milk, sweetened with honey (aka The Halle Berry) is the greatest drinkable gift to humanity (outside of Bloody Mary’s and beer). It’s true, if not for the psychoactive boost of caffeine , the British Industrial Revolution would have stalled out, and we, as people, would still be dumping our crap in cobbled gutters, and dying of plague.
Beer during the mid/late 1700’s was one of few potable beverages because it was filtered/heated to the point of drinkability, unlike water’s poisonousness at the time. After decades of lackadaisical beer-induced productivity (or lack there of), tea, and coffee became more readily available/socially accepted. Folks put down the brews stepping on board the coffee train to technology-town.
But what does this have to do with anything, Mike?
Last week, I did something really stupid in trying to ween myself off coffee. I had just come back from a great weekend in New York, signed a contract to start my new job as a Senior Writer for a fancy new company, still riding high after being named a Top 40 WordPress Blogger (of the day). So, I went forth in the name ‘health’, sabotaging all progress with a coffee-less week.
deCAAAAAFFFFFF
It all started Monday morning when I made my coffee a little too strong, mistakenly dove right into a second cup, and had a very coked-out Henry Hill moment before noon. An innocent trip to Target turned into a raging profanity filled drive; sweaty, audible impatience at the check-out line, and in the parking lot, I looked to the skies for helicopters, sprinted to my car, hopped in, and realized I had bought Beef Jerky, 5 lb ankle weights, a white fedora, and Troll 1 and 2 on DVD (double feature). What?
I interventioned myself. No more coffee. Caffeine, yes, but in very, very small, tea doses. Moderation dear self.
The next day was not bad – still flying high from good fortunes – glad for a new beginning, slight headache. I made green tea and sighed a lot.
Day two was weird. No motivation to write, shower, or do anything. I laid on the couch watching ‘Sons of Anarchy’ on Netflix for 16 hours straight, eating only chips and salsa, lacking the effort to cook noodles or put a salad together.
My poor girlfriend – Marti – came home to a mess of a boyfriend. She consoled me with a hug, then recoiled in that awkward oh-god-someone-just-farted-in-this-stuffy-subway-train kind of way.
‘Is it that bad?’ I asked
‘Please shower.’ Marti, sweetly
‘I’m sweating toxins, I think.’ Me
‘Shower.’ Her, sternly
I suck at writing. I suck at life.
Day three was filled with, not paranoia – but more suspiciousness. I spent a lot of time creepily looking out the window(s).
Neighborhood watch
Day four flat-out sucked. I hadn’t written anything in a week, blog stats started to plummet, and I could not stay awake. Full-on waves of narcolepsy took out my legs with low sweeping kicks.
Is he dead? No? Eh, just cone him in
Yes, I’d like a small zzzzzzzz
Day five was the worst. I went a little crazy – like, Tom Cruise crazy – to the point of REALLY contemplating the ideals behind Scientology. I briefly adhered to the fact there ARE Body Thetans, or alien ghosts, in or around my orifices, and when I die, I WILL go to a landing station on Venus (for more information on this insanity click HERE).
A turtleneck designed to hide the crazy, and man kisses.
I one up T-Cruise on the crazy scale with my Mike Myers impression of him.
I then chewed a whole package of Big League Chew, chugged water incessantly, fell asleep, almost peed the couch, cried during Judge Joe Brown, sobbed realizing I was watching Judge Joe Brown…coffee withdrawal is a wicked she-bitch.
The ending to my woes/withdrawal is a happy one; I started drinking sweet ambrosial coffee again. I know what you’re thinking and you’re right – my will is weak – but not having that extra boost; that extra bit of mental focus, I just couldn’t live without. You, dear readers, suffered because of it.
I dodged a bullet – scared back to coffee by a withdrawal induced, hypothetical Scientology scenario – an avoided downward spiral into deep, mindless, programmed sci-fi religiousness.
Praise Coffee.
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
HEY YOU, just cause I bestowed the Sunshine Award on you doesn’t mean I’m one of those yippy people jumping out of bed screaming about sunshine and rainbows with bluebirds following me. This was freakin’ HI-larious. What are you insane — trying to stop drinking the caffeine devil? You’re a bigger man than, I, Mike, a bigger man. And if you don’t accept my Sunshine Award, I’m going to bestow another award on you. Yes, I got another one. Not all of us are big senior writers at fancy companies and a Top 40 Word Press bloggers. Maybe you got there from not accepting awards. Hmmm. Anyway, glad you came to your senses and are drinking coffee again. :).
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Haha – no no no – I didn’t take the Sunshine award in its literal meaning.
I’m not sure what I was thinking. I was being dumb, and bit the hand that feeds me (inspiration).
So now I’m back on the coffee train. Maybe now I’ll be freshly pressed…double meaning!
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You SHOULD be freshly-pressed. :).
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Holds breath….
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well here you are – freshly pressed!
Glad to see your misguided foray into a caffeine-free existence was brief!
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I should not have read this at work since people now probably think I’m crazy on this Friday laughing out loud to myself in my cube while all else is quiet. Absolutely hilarious, don’t fight what your body NEEDS! Praise coffee, amen.
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Haha! Thanks, dude! Glad I can bring some laughter to your cubicle.
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No worries, Mike. Recent studies have concluded that insane amounts of coffee are actually quite good for you. Even for kids. (may have been redundant there). As long as you aren’t drinking it French press style. Enjoy!
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Thank you, Ben. If the kids are doing it, I can too, dammit!
French coffee is like crack, not that I’ve ever smoked crack.
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Umm…what’s wrong with French pressed coffee? Besides having to clean out the pot all the time?
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I think you just answered your own question. 😀
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French press is the only method that doesn’t sufficiently filter the toxins in coffee. The toxins outweigh any benefits unless properly filtered.
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“spirited from sleep, the astounded soul
Hangs for a moment bodiless and simple
As false dawn”………….lines remembered
before wakefulness and coffee come.
for coffee i suggest the Finnish ladies
European cafe also lovely quiches beyond
cloud lightness and “stratas” the cooking crow
highly recommends this…………as a being that
has never tasted coffee and curdles like lemon
in milk at the smell………………….but one gets
used to unpleasant things and enjoys when
Mabukach sings praises as well as almost everyone
else. P.S. Finland consumes more coffee i do believe
than anyplace in the entire world!
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You truly are a poet, Bashka. Did not know that about Finland, perhaps to keep themselves warm?
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THANK YOU BRIGITTE for sending me here. Even if he won’t take the Sunshine or the Pretty or anything. His award benefited me and that’s what matters! I thought he had been Freshly Pressed because he was in the Top 40 or is there a secret Top 40 club that I don’t know about? Tell me!
Mike, yer funny. And I love Columbus. It’s very flat.
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It’s a secret Top 100 popular/growing blogs of the day. I was ranked in the top 40 – but it’s So secret, wordpress neglected to tell me about it, the day passed, and another blogger not sent me a link.
Well, thank you. Columbus is fun, and aside from the towering downtown area, pretty flat. 🙂
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can we see this list?
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The Mike Myers picture is outstanding and I’m laughing out loud at work about it. I have a laughing crush on it.
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http://botd.wordpress.com/growing-blogs/
Here’s the link to today’s blogs. My ‘day’ was end of April sometime.
Thanks! It took 400 takes to get the crazy right…
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I have tried to be off the coffee. I am not a morning person either. I feel like a traitor being a coffee drinker and a yoga teacher. But coffee is a warm hug when tea is like a limp handshake. It just is. I stutter when I don’t have a cup of coffee. I can not string words together and people think I might have aspbergers syndrome. I also start spouting weird awkward facts about myself to strangers… things like “I once snuck out of the house to see a 10,000 Maniacs concert” or “sometimes my poop smells like my ex boyfriends poop, why is that?”
Anyway…all hail coffee.
I love you
That’s it
What does my poop sometimes smell like my ex boyfriends poop?
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Kindred coffee spirits all the way.
“10,000 Maniacs concert” bahahaha. You, ma’am are hilarious.
Because you’re eating the same thing.
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Great post…i really laughed hard and the tom cruise stuff! As a non coffee drinker, proud to say I have never had a cup, I often wonder what life is like for you caffeine addicts and how life would function without your tender crutch. Glad to read the results…and glad you didn’t turn into a Hobo with A shotgun!
The Halle Berry, haha, that is a good one…sell it to Star Bucks!
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I’m going to slip you some coffee, and watch you take over the world. You’ll be the next Stalin, or Tigs from Sons of Anarchy.
It was touch and go with the Hobo thing. Touch and go.
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tom cruise would have made it to day six…
🙂
Great post!
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Sadly, you’re right. Maverick’s will power is beyond my own. 🙂
Thanks so much!
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I am SO there withyou on the coffee dear. My doctor told me to “cut back” on the coffee and when I did, I ended up with a migraine for three days, went totally insane and moved all the furniture in the houes, rearranged the kitchen drawers and washed the cat.
I still have scars, years later.
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Haha! I didn’t have a feng shui breakdown, nor did I wash my cat. I do hope you’re back on the delicious coffee train, without fresh wounds.
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OOOOHHH YEAH I’m on the java express right now. I don’t do mornings, didn’t get up till 11 AM today and that’s early for me. I’m a writer and mother so, while the kids sleep, I work, I sleep till noonish, get up and homeschool the kids, play video games with them, feed them and tuck them in around 10 PM. I NEED coffee.
No more scars, we got a dog. The cat went to a nonbath home, my mothers.
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Good for you. Much respect for homeschoolers; has to be difficult.
If I even THINK of the world bath, our cat turns into a freaking rabid ocelot.
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YOU DID IT. Get ready and congrats!!!! :).
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This is crazy! Thanks so much, Brigitte!
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Oh, you’re in for a treat. You deserve it. :).
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Thanks, Brigitte. Been a fun day.
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Awesome post! You’re a great writer.
When I decided to quit coffee, an Archaeology teacher once wisely told me: “Oh, you shouldn’t do such a thing; think about all the poeple on those coffee plantations: picking bean after bean with their tiny little fingers trying to support their big families!”
I decided to never endanger the lives of those coffee farmers ever again! 🙂
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Thanks so much, Kristi. I’m going to use this as my mantra. Any time I try to give up the coffee, i’ll just rock back and forth and say ‘Tiny little fingers. Tiny little fingers.”
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Coffee used to give me crazy jitters & heart palpitations but ever since I started my big girl job I’ve been finding it I need it more & more… nOOOOooooooooooooooooooo
great read & congrats on being freshly pressed. 🙂
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Oh yeah, give in the dark side…the tea will do nothing!
Thank you. I appreciate the kind words.
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The photos of the progression of withdrawal are hysterical ….and good news my fellow java-addict – a new “study” came out showing people who drank 6 cups or more a day live longer – Bottoms up !
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Thank goodness. Now what about the studies on wine drinkers?
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I imagine the moment Scientology starts to appear promising is the moment to realize that you have gone for a loop. Either that, or your inner thetan has resurfaced and you should be bowed down to. Please proceed to donate the rest of your bank account and break all contact with any non-believers.
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It truly is, Natasha. It’s time to take out the $56.13 out of my bank account, and become a sci-fi lordy lord ex-pat!
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Or you could just move on to another planet and save the dollars. Your choice.
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I’ll Xenu you later! No? Too much?
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I am Xenu, didn’t you get that?
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Coffee accordingly to the latest studies, is good for you. Ignore all the other studies and be happy knowing you are nipping diabetes in the bud. I have one coffee a day, but it is in a very large mug. By the way you are very lol funny!
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See, that’s the kind of encouragement I need for my coffee habit! Thank you thank you!
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Hahaha…see what WordPress did here??? Freshly Pressed — as in “freshly pressed”?!?!
Gotta love when art imitates life. Or life imitates art. Or whatever.
😉
Personally, my blog runs on Diet Coke…so much so that Diet Coke recognized me and gave me a mini fridge stuffed with — you guessed it — Diet Coke. Seriously.
http://mikaleebyerman.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/dear-universe-can-you-hear-me-now/
Maybe your favorite coffee maker will bestow a similar gift after this humongously-hugenormously successful Freshly Pressed post! Best of luck.
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Wily WordPress!
My whole office smells like coffee now – after I found out I was freshly pressed, I sort of threw my mug in exuberant joy.
Thank you much!
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Nice post! 😀
http://journeythroughhtml.wordpress.com/
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Thanks!
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That Tom Cruise side-by-side is freaking hilarious. Seriously, what is wrong with that guy?
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Thanks, I actually own the turtleneck, it wasn’t rented, or borrowed, it was from my drawers.
I don’t know, but I sure hope his wife reads this post. 🙂
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Suri and Tom don’t allow Katie to read anything. In fact, I’m not sure Katie Holmes even exists anymore. It’s just a cyborg impersonating her.
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Yes…Katie is now a cyborg…I am actually very close with her, she downloads a lot of music for me and keeps me up to speed on breaking news…one of her unique app features that Tom recently downloaded. However, the best feature about K-Borg..as her close friends like me call her behind her back, she also works as a blender for morning milkshakes! Its incredible…all you have to do is put the fruits and vegetables in her mouth and she blends them right up and regurgitates them (in a sanitary fashion i must add) into your juice cup. Its really quite impressive!
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This makes me hate all of the friends I have. None of them have EVER made me a healthy fruit smoothie with their mouths.
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You two crazy and I loves it. Considering Tom’s affinity for man kisses, the Katie-bot probably isn’t too far fetched a concept
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I want to let you know I just disturbed the whole office by laughing ridiculously hard at that comment. When they asked what I was laughing at I said, “Tom Cruise loving man kisses.” The sad part is, nobody seemed shocked by that.
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Love your blog by the way. Sweet Mother sent me your way a couple weeks ago.
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Reblogged this on veganchiq.
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Thank you very much. Awesome sauce!
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HA! You had me with the first sentence of this post. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! Check me out at theusualbliss.com sometime!
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Awesome! I did, and left you a comment. Love P.C.
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I tried no coffee recently. Bad move. I gave in, too- it makes my life better (and those around me…)!
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Hilarious! I’ve been there a time or two or seven. I’ll never learn. So perfectly written!
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Does it get better after the first attempt? If not, I should just give up and try to get a Folgers sponsorship.
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Just give up now and succumb to it. 🙂
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VERY funny!
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Gracias!
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Seems like WordPress is listening. Or maybe they are just coffee-maniacs like you and me! Praise COFFEE! Loved your post! 🙂 Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
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They’re a part of the Cult of Coffee, no doubt. Thank you, Roshni!
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My heart was aching for you as I read this tragic saga. Part of me felt like shaking my head at you as only one coffee addict to another can. I to have tried detoxing (decaffeinating?). Several times. Crazy fool I was. Actually it’s funny, my next post was going to be on this, but mostly it will be an ode to my fave kinds of coffee. Anyways glad to see you’re back and vertical! =P
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Something so good for you can’t be toxic, can it? What is your favorite blend?
You might have gathered this from the post, but I usually go for the high-octane breakfast blends.
Thanks, feels good to be back.
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No, it’s definitely good for you 😉
I’m actually on some instant coffee right now! Which is crazy ‘cuz I always turned my nose up at the stuff, but this Maxim brand (Korean) is so damn good. I have it every morning.
I also like Starbucks once in awhile (their espresso drinks) and Second Cup brewed coffee is good with caramel creme. YUM! I’m craving a literal second cup right now. Damn.
I think this glass of wine will suffice….:D
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I might have to try Maxim. The ‘Halle Berry’ style of course.
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Hilarious! Loved your post. I couldn’t live without coffee…I know from personal attempts!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Elaine
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It was truly a harrowing experience. Near death even…
THanks for reading, Elaine!
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Now I’m 40 I find that I can no longer tolerate alcohol, but coffee remains as essential as ever. Hope you have learned your lesson!
Cheers
N
(currently supping 3rd Aeropress brew of the day)
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Ooooh I have. Never again will I turn my back to coffee. Nor will I ever wear a black turtleneck..
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LOL 😉 I had to go coffee free for a while prior to some medical tests a while back. Once I got through withdrawal, I found (to my dismay) that I was actually waking up alert and cheerful – and on time – I felt like I’d been eaten by the pod people! I do love me coffee, but have tapered down and found a happy medium. Great post – congrats on being freshly pressed!
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For the mental and physical safety of those around me, I don’t think I will be trying to get to that alert and cheerful place anytime soon, Unless I’m put in a week-long coma.
Thank you very much.
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I didn’t stay there, either! 😉
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Dude that was hysterical! I’m not a morning person AT ALL!!!! So I completely relate. I did give up caffeine though. I drink a decaf green tea in the morning…placebo effect 🙂 You brought laughter to my cube too. Thanks!
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Thanks, geeky! How’d you do it? Cold turkey? Brave, geeky brave.
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Oh Mike I hear you! My brain nearly bursts with pain if I don’t get my three mugs full of Ethiopia Yirgacheffe daily. Coffee is one of the more benign vices. Very funny post! Congrats on being FP…better than a coffee high!
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Whoa, you’re into the real Ethiopian stuff. Props for that, Lady!
Merci! And other ways to say thanks!
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Bravo! I’m a fellow coffee devotee — minus the honey, double the milk to latte proportions. And I’m a potter, so I have the opportunity to make gigantic cups and still claim, in self-righteous praise of my own self-control: only one cup a day. Ha! Great writing. Must look at more of your blog–
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I kind of stalked your etsy site, hope that’s okay. I’ve always had respect for potters, as my comfort area is making clay snakes. Anything else just looks…well, not like a snake.
Thanks! Have a looksie around, stay awhile.
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Oh, gosh! Not the Etsy store! Not now! It’s actually pretty empty right now because I spent all my time getting ready for a show in Durango. But thanks for checking it out! You’ll find better pictures of my work on my blog. here http://liveclay.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/good-bye-april-studio-news/ or recently here http://liveclay.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/may-flowers/
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Good stuff, when I get back from new Orleans I’ll check it out
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I tried to kick caffeine a month ago. The cops bought me a case of Mountain Dew.
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Better the Dew than tasers.
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Oh, I always forget about the tasers. Those were administered and then the Dew. LOL
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hilarious! and i think i’m in love. i too share a hatred of early mornings, and i too use excessive amounts of sugar, milk, and sometimes honey to make my coffee drinkable. i always write better on a coffee bender too…although my bowls don’t always appreciate it. you might appreciate some of my posts…if you want, check em out at http://www.icouldntmakethisshitupblog.com
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Big time, kindred morning hating spirits. Fidgety caffeine buzzes just make the words flow.
Will check it out.
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I need caffeine to function efficiently too. My decaf decisions hardly yield fruitful results at best, at worst it’s a disaster. That said I get my full dose of caffeine from Tea, starting with a fresh home brewed at home. Coffee & I are not made for each other. Congratulations on being freshly pressed!
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See, Yatin, I need to find a way to switch over. It might not make for good posting, but I may just try it out.
Thank you!
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Best coffee ever : Dante ‘s Taipei coffee shop opposite 101 building – can’t go wrong with a Latte and a veg sandwich loaded with tomatoes, green lettuce, sliced boiled eggs – for a mere 2 Bucks and a half ..
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Noted for when I’m in taipei
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loved this!
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🙂
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great post -ever tried a real ‘ Kopie Luwak ‘ http://pancake.io/9060ac/Css_tpl1/index.html# thanks – follow your blog
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Thank you. I have not had the opportunity, not sure my blogger funds could handle such an expensive cup a joe. And the process is…interesting. Are you in Laos?
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Mike Myers face is classic!
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Weird how my Tom Cruise impression came out Myers.
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Wow. I totally thought that was Mike Myers. Well done. That is the best impression of Mike Myers doing an impression of Tom Cruise I have ever seen!
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Stick around for my K.D. Lang as Keanu Reeves impression
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Nice photos. I enjoyed saw the funny photos. Good post
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Thank you much!
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Pshh, coffee does horrible things to your body. I’m going to stick to old fashioned cocaine, thank you very much.
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You’ve got something on your nose.
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Yes I do. It’s called SUCCESS.
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Nailed it!
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I was better off when I drank tea, but now my brain seems hardwired to coffee. Like you, I drink it daily–in fact after every meal, no matter how late (or early it is). And when I’ve drank beer with dinner (usually every Friday), I drink Irish coffee upon returning home. Original Irish coffee is coffee with whiskey–but whiskey’s too strong for my palate. So I drink Baileys Irish Cream with my coffee instead. It’s quite delicious.
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Wow, that’s pretty hard core, Scott. I don’t think i could do it with every meal. Love, love me some Irish Coffee, not as much as an Irish Car Bomb (the drink, not literal car bombs in ireland).
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Nice! I support everything about this post. Coffee is the only thing that kept me going at work after staying up too late watching Sons of Anarchy. Netflix, if you’re reading this, what’s the ETA on the 4th season? Get on that, would you?
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I’ll admit, I bought Season 4 on amazon prime. It had to be done, I won’t tell you what happened (if you haven’t seen it) effing. amazing.
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I have had the same experience with Sons of Anarchy! Thank you coffee. Thank you Jax.
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Reblogged this on 8BIT.
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Very cool. Love what you’re doing at 8bit, John.
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Thank you for your hilarious suffering. I love the stuff, need, even rely on the stuff.
I’m not awake, not true awakeness, not without them beans.
Some mornings, (you know, the ones where you haven’t quite woken up yet, and dreamily walk upside out on various levels of impossible stairs to the floating M.C. Escher kitchen counter, while several Dr. Seuss characters with stripy hats suggest you to bed return, and don’t open the caffeine urn, lest you never learn?) I literally shove a heaped spoon of instant coffee into my mouth. This has roughly the same effect to me, as the effect KIT has when Michael Knight hits the red glowing “BOOST” on the console causing the car to jump over whatever vehicle is in front of it.
Why would anyone want to wake up any other way?
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You are a whimsical badass, Stephen. Not only did you reference Knight Rider and Dr. Seuss, but you eat coffee. You win.
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Challenge Accepted!
If it were, you know scientifically, possible to be more bad-ass, than a Manga animated Chuck Norris eating coffee, research has shown that there is one mental image with slightly more than half of double that bad-ass-ness:
Mental Image:
{ Tantric – Travolta – Coffee Suppository – High-five – Rainbow}
Ok fine, I added the Rainbow, it wasn’t part of the actual research, but I find it helps my brain not explode.
Rainbow!
StephenIs.com
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Bahaha! Tantric-Travolta. rainbow really tied the room together.
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Well, well, I hope you read this, though your work is cut out for you with all the other comments. I am a morning person. Nothing (I thought about that and it means – Nothing) beats a walk on a fine daybreak at 5.30am when the entire world is at peace and slumbering. However I have also sucked some coffee beans while waiting for a small pot of water to boil (kettle took too long), so I need you to read – moderation. Buy the finest beans (not the most expensive – Blue Mountain is insipid and cat poo is cat poo) and enjoy them each morning. Have a cup or two at lunch and coast along till bed. Depending on your age young man, you may allow yourself a cup at maybe 9pm on weekends. Master it and enjoy life. Thank you for the post. I enjoyed it. Now I’m off to bed.
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Timber, can I hire you as my coffee sage? You’ll have to teach me the ways of this 5:30 am thing, as it’s a foreign concept to me.
Thanks for reading!
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I’m a coffee believer too…..just avoid those extra cups after lunch
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But it’s so delicious….
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Hahahaha…I can’t type… I’m still laughing especially because I read the exchange eating the bean, Dr Seuss characters and the Kit boost from Knight Rider (I ahem, watched that show…religiously when younger 😉 I too am a night owl and also depend on coffee to prop my lids open before they naturally would. I worked in an espresso bar in college and would pop chocolate covered coffee beans to help the cause too. Be well and I look forward to reading more of your posts. (I have a blog but it’s not enarly as funny as you!) http://myrenaissancelife.net/
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Thanks, Kristy! If I worked at an expresso bar, I would probably turn into a maniac. A very meticulously organized maniac.
You as well. Will definitely check out your blog as soon as I get a chance.
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Cool …oh and I created a new word just for you to commemorate your “freshly pressed” post. It’s above and it’s “enarly” betcha no one has done that for you today!!! It’s origins can be found between nearly and entirely. So YAY for you freshly pressed and your very own tribute word 😉 Okay, I may have imbibed to much caffeine myself…see you around the blogosphere.
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I love neologisms!
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I’m the same way with Coca Cola…keep saying I’ll stop, then my new job has free Coca Cola every lunch break. Yeah. Not going to stop that one. But definitely have an affinity for coffee and tea as well.
Congrats on Freshly Pressed! It is well-deserved 🙂
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Been about the same with Coca Cola (or Pepsi if Coke wasn’t available) – but found out with time that coffee helps me balance it out.
Doesn’t do anything to change my caffeine addiction, though…
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Thanks, Samantha. You should try giving it up, then write about it. See what happens…
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ZOMGosh. So re-blogging! Fellow coffee drinker – and writing usually goes hand in hand with caffeine intake as well.
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Sweeeet! Thanks, Unna
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Reblogged this on Unna's Blog of Total Randomness and commented:
Found this among the Freshly Pressed when I logged onto WordPress. Couldn’t have said it better myself, and the comments are huh-LA-rious!
Been on a decaffeination quest mysef, but became too grumpy to exist. So back on the wagon I was – and stil am!
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I am going to start carrying cones of my own! When one of my kids start having “moments”…They are getting their ass coned! I even have cones! Thank you.
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Haha! “Don’t make me get out the cones.”
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I feel you. And as what I tell my friends when they reprimand me for consuming too much coffee, “I’d rather be high on caffeine than on drugs.” Haha. Works every time.
Fun read, by the way.
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Thank you, heysands!
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Praise coffee, indeed! I could just about feel every blow in sympathy. Great article and very funny! Thanks for the laugh!
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Thank you, friend. Glad we could commiserate!
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HA!! Thanks for making me laugh out loud, brain and heart needed the silliness, especially that stupid cat photo! OMG. I’m new to the blog world and was perusing and was drawn to your title because of the mere mention of coffee! I have tried to ween from coffee before, okay maybe not ween as much as having done the insane master cleanse a few times and the first three days without coffee are torturous and my head aches with punishment. But, now you know what I know…there is really no reason do that to yourself! Don’t ever do it again!
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Glad you like my goofiness. Especially the spy cat photo. Lesson learned, never again. Master cleanse sounds so a solute, not sure if I could do it…
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for those coffee aficionados – there is a coffee forum on opera : have a look – http://my.opera.com/Cofee%20lovers/forums/topic.dml?id=1316662&t=1335944515&page=1 check out some weird statements ….
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Coffi ja bio kávé na azért az se rossz szerintem! Igaz nem nagyon dobogtatja meg a szivem de azért 10 igazi kávé után már lehet hogy a ketyegő nem szereti.
Üdvözletem
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When I return home, I will translate this rightfully, hold tight. Pod favor.
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Is that how you get freshly pressed by stating, “Maybe now I’ll be freshly pressed.” I wish I would have know that before. HAHA. I quit coffee once a month. It last for a couple of days, but then either I get to stressed or because I am thirsty, I go back to drinking it again. Then life is all good.
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I thinks it’s the key, just say the magic words and you’ll be pressed. And by magic words I mean hilarity…
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Haha, this was awesome 🙂 A funny and entertaining read. (Creepy and interesting link to the Scientology website, by the way) You have accurately described how I, too, react to being deprived of caffeine. It’s very frightening. My boyfriend gets really confused when I tell that the reason I’m being a bitch is because I’m having caffeine withdrawls. “It’s not a drug,” He tells me patiently.
…But I’m pretty sure it’s a legal form of crack.
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Thanks! Oh it’s real. Next time he doubts you, show him the Scientology website, and say ‘see! It’s real!’
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I just recently got converted into a morning person, but nothing — ABSOLUTELY NOTHING — productive ever comes out from a day not jolted by a cuppa. Praise coffee? Amen!
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:)!
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I so totally know where you are coming from. “Morning” is the nastiest word in our home…well for me. The husband is a morning person, so he gets his time in the morning when I am not capable of toaking (and sometimes even getting out of bed) and I get my “me time” at night. So far it seems to work. I have learned not to try to go without coffee. On returning from a trip to Egypt and Jordan where the coffee is good and strong, I had two days of no coffee. Got such a headache and then lost the vision on the left side. Thought I was having a stroke, went to the emergency department, they gave me a strong coffee, migraine induced by coffee withdrawl…never had a migraine before! So now…not a day passes without at least one coffee. And if one is good, surely two is better? Three then?
Cheers,
Laura
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Unbelievable, you went friggin blind?! Wow, now I feel like I didn’t suffer enough for the art of comedy.
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Only in one eye! 🙂
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Haha! Funny article! I used to drink 6 cups a day without really realising and when i stopped i got cold sweats, mood swings, headaches, dreadful! I gave up too but recently took the opportunity of a sickness bug not being able to keep anything down, to kick the coffee aswell! It worked, and every now and then i have a cup – boom straight to my head! The NHS here in the UK advise a maximum of 3 cups of coffee OR 5 cups of tea a day.
Ps. Love the tom cruise impression – hilarious!!
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Whoa 6 cups is definitely pushing it. The MHD really says 3 cups a day? Fascinating. Thanks for stopping by!
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NHS, stupid auto-correct
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Creepily looking out of windows and Tom Cruise crazy. Hahaha, loved it (not only these parts, of course). I couldn’t drink coffee in Germany – it does bad things to my overall physical constitution. Recently I found out that the side effects don’t show in Bolivia when it’s very hot. YEY. Ambrosia, here I come.
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That’s interesting, maybe it’s the altitude? Always wanted to visit Bolivia…
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Nope, nothing to do with altitude since I live in Santa Cruz. Low, hot, humid. My theory includes the heat. If you get around to visit, Uyuni is a MUST. Take the long tour of four days. Awesome! For pictures: http://welikethemoon.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/da-haben-wir-den-salar/
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Beautiful pics. Definitely on my top travel list, will have to let you know if I’m headed down there ( if that’s okay)
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I can relate. I have terrible coffee withdrawals, Plus, my stats magically goes down whenever I don’t get my dose. Good read!
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Thanks for reading
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LOL! I love it. When I got pregnant with my youngest, the first thing that happened was that I couldn’t drink coffee. It made me violently sick. I spent three days flat out in bed with withdrawals (I drank a lot of coffee). I had a migraine level headache, nausea and the room was spinning so hard I had to crawl on the floor to get to the phone to call in sick to work. Seriously.
Praise coffee!
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Holy shite that’s terrible. You win, hands down. Praise it!
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I was drinking somewhere in the range of 17-20 cups of coffee a day at that time. Now I’m extra careful to keep it at no more than one per day – usually about 5 per week.
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Reblogged this on godrevealyourself2me and commented:
Ha ha ha…wonderfully talented writing and all hail coffee! Loved this. After my long, sleepless night in Seattle, this was just the cream in my java joy!
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So awesome! Many thanks. It’s crazy so many people are digging my blog, humbling to say the least
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Ahaha, I really like this one. Praise coffee, praise you! 😉
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Best line of your blog “coffee withdrawal is a wicked she-bitch”. LOVE IT!! Hilarious. First time reading your blog. Will be back for more.
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Glad your going to stick around! I’m working on some good stuff, hopefully I don’t suck it up
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SO FUNNY! And congrats on being freshly pressed!
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Thank you thank you
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Nice post. Next time you need some quick caffeine you should try AeroShots
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Hmm what are these aero shots you speak of?
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It’s a Boston based company. My friend does their marketing. It’s an breathable energy product. It’s a little powder that sits on your tongue and is absorbed that way. It’s quick, easy to carry, and effective. If you have Twitter, shoot Zach (@ZLane527) a tweet and mention me @BSMUDA and he’ll mail you a sample or two. If not I can get some out in the mail for you.
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Sounds interesting, I might just send him a note when I get back fro new orleans. Thanks!
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I remember the one and only time I had ever weened myself off of coffee. I was around 30 at the time.On day 3 I remember the headaches started, I had dry mouth, and every little thing set me off. Not the sort of irritability that coffee-drinkers get when a hyperactive 12 year old has been jumping on your bed for 1/2 hour to wake them up… The full on rages that sane people intervene on and get the person committed to an asylum. It got so bad that I had been written up at the job I was working at the time (automobile aftermarket) and after that, sitting down in front of the President of the company who had urged that I go back to drinking coffee for the sake of the new people that would be starting at the office the beginning of the next week.
Since then, I drink 2 cups a day, and the world is safer for it.
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Haha! Excellent story. You didn’t try joining a cult did you?
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Fortunately for me, no… I’ve always been too much of a curmudgeon and cynic for that sort of thing to happen. Run away and join a band of Gypsies though… That might happen if I were to cut myself off from coffee again.
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I’m with you on the gypsy wagon, friend.
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Tom Cruise crazy – HAHAHAHAHA caffeine amounts are a slippery slope, kind of like picking the right dosage for tranquilizing a rhino. Best to err on the side of a little too much than a little too little. I look forward to more grumpy morning giggles over coffee and your blog. Cheers!
Alisa
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Thanks, Alisa. A rhino tranq. Reference – I love it love it. Glad you’re sticking around through my various dosage levels.
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great post…like it very much…
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Thank you much
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I have given up on a lot of things in my life….but I draw the line with coffee…it is a must have!! Great post!
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Thanks for ageeing, and reading!
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Somehow, graduate school turned me into a total coffee snob. I was too poor to go out for coffee but my parents would supply me with the most delicious whole-bean hazelnut. Coffee is magical stuff. Great post and congrats on FP!
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Mmmm hazelnut… Gracias, muchos gracias!
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Your Tom Cruise impression caught my attention and roped me in! Not because of Tom Cruise however, just liked the photo!
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Well, he used to be great, or, above average. Now, he gets mocked by mediocre bloggers like me. 🙂
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I do like a good cup of cappuccino but mad a tea person in the depths of my heart (well I am Irish) but to try and go without … oh you poor thing. And what is so bad about being a night person, don’t all teh best ones come out to play then ????
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I should come to ireland for a weening session. Of course all the fun ones play at night.
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lots of fun and we ween our coffee addiction with alcohol
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I’m sold…
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I have tried to give up coffee 5 times and miserbly fail every time. Never give it up…the detox is too brutal. You are hilarious!!!!
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Agreed. Thanks, binvested!
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Fun post, and congrats on your selection to freshly pressed.
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Thank you kind sir.
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Funny but Lovely Post
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Thanks, I need a new Tamron lens, are Saudi prices cheaper than US?
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I recently went through something similar with my quitting of coffee and actually caffeine in general now (7 days caffeine free and counting). Yes those first few days sucked majorly as I had zero motivation to do anything as well and just ended up sleeping a lot. Now I don’t have the motivation to do anything and sleep slightly less. Good life.
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Come on back to the dark side…yes, excellent
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I’m new to blogging- glad to have found you; Got a good laugh. Can’t wait to read more… How you like your Coffee can definitely be a conversation starter. My husband can’t start his day without his French Press and fresh beans. I on the other hand, love the convenience of the new K-cups, even Starbucks has joined in on the new format…
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Good luck in the blogging world, dinnerdiva. Those k- cups are like instant crack
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Amen and hallelujah for coffee my sweet. What would we writers do without that sweet elixir?
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The world would be unmotivated. Sad really, but all these responses are comforting; I’m not alone
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Reblogged this on A Charmed Yogi and commented:
I rarely submit two posts in a day, but this was too funny not to share. If you’ve ever tried to give up caffeine like I did during Yoga Teacher Training, you can relate.
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Awesome! Thank you. Funny, I tried yoga durin this time. Unfortunately I’m built like gumby with bones.
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Reblogged this on Anything Interesting on WordPress.
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Thanks, friend.
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so funny!
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Nope, never even tried. In the name of all things Yogi I gave up meat…mostly. Because of yoga teachers training I gave up alcohol…sorta. And for financial reasons I gave up smoking, 27 years ago, seriously I was not going to pay a $1 a pack for something that was going to kill me and made kissing me taste like kissing an ashtray. At least thats what Boyfriend said.
But give up, coffee! Java, cup-a-joe, cup-a-mud what were you thinking. Look there are only 2 kinds of people in the world…just 2! They come in all colors, all genders, all races and all nationalities. They are Leapers… and …Creepers. Leapers get up in the morning, walk the dog, pick fresh spinach for their egg white omelets and start a load of laundry, before they pee and brush their teeth. We hate them. We who require 2 cups of hot love just to get through Good Morning America, while still in our jammies. We Creepers of the world Unite! Embrace your love of Coffee and bow low the sacred bean that brings productivity to our existence. SO GO, Go all Gillmore Girls on the leapers of this world. Take back your mornings!
Oh and BTW cola & tea dont count. It must be hot, thick, strong and able to leap tall buildings. Hail to thee! Coffee Coffee Coffee.
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Haha! So I’m officially a creeper. I think I’m quite alright with that. Yes, yes I’m a creeper
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Reblogged this on Cheryl's Yoga Shanti and commented:
This is a great post, that’s why it made fresh pressed. And it made me think of my friend Jules. And this is what I wrote to Roamaboutmike in response….
Nope, never even tried. In the name of all things Yogi I gave up meat…mostly. Because of yoga teachers training I gave up alcohol…sorta. And for financial reasons I gave up smoking, 27 years ago, seriously I was not going to pay a $1 a pack for something that was going to kill me and made kissing me taste like kissing an ashtray. At least thats what Boyfriend said.
But give up, coffee! Java, cup-a-joe, cup-a-mud what were you thinking. Look there are only 2 kinds of people in the world…just 2! They come in all colors, all genders, all races and all nationalities. They are Leapers… and …Creepers. Leapers get up in the morning, walk the dog, pick fresh spinach for their egg white omelets and start a load of laundry, before they pee and brush their teeth. We hate them. We who require 2 cups of hot love just to get through Good Morning America, while still in our jammies. We Creepers of the world Unite! Embrace your love of Coffee and bow low the sacred bean that brings productivity to our existence. SO GO, Go all Gillmore Girls on the leapers of this world. Take back your mornings!
Oh and BTW cola & tea dont count. It must be hot, thick, strong and able to leap tall buildings. Hail to thee! Coffee Coffee Coffee.
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Awesome. Thanks for the repost
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sorry I’m on here twice, havent figured out the whole
reblog’ thing yet. And I didnt get my regular Saturday afternoon French Press
and the brain was a little foggy.
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For four years I was pregnant or nursing (T.M.I.-yai-yai!) so I decided not to drink coffee, because an overtired, sleep deprived mother will do anything to up her chances of making sure her kids sleep at night. ANYWAY, one day I got a coffee and forgot to say decaf, then I went for a two hour walk (I’m not that kind of girl) and had the best day EVER. I recommitted to drinking coffee, have been speaking in caps lock ever since, and have never thought again of turning back.
I still mourn the time I lost in my non-caffeinated haze. It’s sad really. Anyway…glad you made it without dying.
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I really can’t fathom a productive life without. I’m just mike sans coffee, no roam about
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Hmmm…somehow this post really speaks to me! I’m not sure where you are going, but I’ll follow (especially if there’s coffee!)
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I don’t either! Thanks for trusting in whatever may happen. Right now I’m in new orleans, searching for new material. New posts soon
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New Orleans- beignets with your coffee!
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Are you stalking me? How did you know I was shoving my face with Beignets? 🙂
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Thanks for the laugh! I tried to quit coffee once and it was BAD really really bad. It was cold turkey during a cleanse and the end result was fever and vomitting. I mean I’m an all or nothing kind of girl so I guess I figured one week without coffee, sugar, carbs, fat…. or anything other than greens and fruits won’t kill me. I was wrong.
I LOVE coffee so much that I would marry it if I could and I’m not a night owl. I adore early mornings before the sun comes up with my coffee.
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It’s crazy how some dear readers have really gone through it. If you married coffee, what would you name your children?
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Very funny stuff 🙂
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🙂 thanks
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Haha, I tried to give it up for a month, even blogged about it. I did it in February (the shortest of all months) and did last but as soon as it was over I was back to at least 2 cups a day. Never againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn will I go without caffeine.
I think I need one right now as I cannot seem to be in that zombie cycle of not knowing what to do and some how ending up on Facebook
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The twilight zone of surfing fb is a bad spot. Lack of caffeine causes stalking; it’s science
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agreed. sometimes its unconscious stalking
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It’s 11pm, I’m drinking coffee. This post made me laugh. Ty
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11pm?! Fast dreams.
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Was there enough coffee for you. You do know what nation you belong to. Don’t you. Its caffienation.
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I see what you did there and I like it
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Story of my life! Can.not.quit.coffee.
Never will !
Great post, bet the girlfriend is relieved 😀
Cheers !
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Thank you. Coffee motivates me to shower, so yes, she’s happy
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I can’t imagine giving up coffee. I recently quit sugar. Hard yes, impossible, no. But Coffee? Not a chance. Give me my coffee or I’ll bite your arm off.
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I gave up sugar long ago, but you’re right, cannibal for coffee
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Amen.
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So hilarious! coffee is a beautiful thing. Can’t go out to my studio without my huge starbucks thermal mug full of mud. Always the makings of a productive day! Glad you came to your senses. You’re an excellent writer, would hate to catch you napping.
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Thanks. Coffee is a Muse, a delicious speedy Muse
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Reblogged this on KafeMandela and commented:
Another cup?
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You are awesome! Thanks- love the blog name.
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I cna’t resist a good coffee story! TYVM, my pleasure to reblog! By the way did you know the passed out guy, or was that a picture?
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Hi,
What a pleasure to reblogg, besides I am slightly coffee addicted! You see, I wrote one answer and it seemed to vanish, so I need another cup! By the way did you know the guy passed out on the floor, or just a pic? Great story, TYVM!
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Hey Kafe, Sorry I missed this one.
Nope, didn’t know him. But I feel for him.
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After a hectic last two years of high school and an insane college career/working, I have literally not stopped drinking coffee or any form of caffeinated drink (red Full Throttle anyone?) I have such respect for you for even trying to quit coffee, but the lethargy and crazy that comes without it is too much to handle. Welcome back to the dark side.
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It feels good to be back. The force from the dark side is strong ( lame star wars reference)
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Hey, you’re an awesome writer! I enjoyed reading this! 🙂
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Why thank you
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I tried the very same thing 2 weeks ago. I had an upcoming exam and overdosed on coffee. The next few days I suffered from what you listed. Eventually, after 8 days, I gave in.
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How did exam go?
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Excellent post.
This is really a good work. I appreciate your efforts behind that. Have a great summer!
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Thanks
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The spider man is funny!
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I recently wrote my own blog post about the dark side of coffee and why I was going to drink more tea. (http://standrewslynx.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/cosmic-harmony-tea/) Overdosing on coffee is much like overdosing on cocaine. Except worse.
Still, few things beat a double espresso in the morning…
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Excellent read. I’m going to Portland in two weeks, Japanese gardens are top on my list
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Um I would like to recommend that if you are drinking coffee while reading this, might wanna swallow your first sip of piping hot coffee… had a wee bit of an accident this morning (well it is late morning here), but glad to have found another night owl. Mornings are NOT my thing either. I had a roommate who drank decaf in the morning because it got her too jazzed up, and this chic woke up like someone had given her a shot of speed. Anyway, great post!
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I wish I had that morning gumption. Maybe there’s an alternative, like snake venom, to get us all started
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I have this exact same reaction when I am denied my cups of tea! And my housemate with her coffee! We have long since decided that this is not a weakness however but just something which non ‘ambrosia’ drinkers do not understand. Completely untrue but it makes us feel better when we stumble zombie like to the kettle every morning.
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Haha! Braaaains, er, teeeaaaa.
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Me and my flatmate are studying for our graduation exams (in medicine) and we’re gonna do well cause we finish up a whole pot of black coffee between us every morning. Woo hoo.
Thanks for the fun post!
Now back to my notes
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Good luck, drink safely
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While I’m a morning person and can’t totally relate (I sometimes wake up singing a “good morning” song, much to my boyfriend’s chagrin), I understand the affinity for coffee. As a dietitian, I’m always looking for the studies to support my habit- so let me know if you need a healthy excuse to continue. Oh, and if you ever try to cut back again don’t do it cold turkey! That’s just crazy.
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Is it genetics? Guiltless sleep? How do you wake up singing?!
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Well, it’s not my singing voice… must be genetics.
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Excellent analysis of the risks of a coffee free diet! I just blogged today about my new coffee and brown sugar only diet, which, judging by the first day, is not quite ready for prime time…
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Well good luck, keep us updated on your progress, and please, stay sane
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Every great writer has a vice of some sort – yours (and mine) may as well be coffee….
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Hopefully coffee and red wine will make me great. If not, at least I’ll be buzzed. 🙂
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I’m right there with ya! Cheers!
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I’ve tried to quit coffee multiple times and it just sucks. I’ve even gotten to that imaginary land where you are actually past the sluggish, death certificate inducing insanity. That magical place where you have more energy without the bean. Ultimately, I decided the addiction was worth it. The taste, the ritual, the experience are 1 of my 10 favorite things in life. Not quitting. Nor should you, it seems. 😉
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Excellent. Hell no, never again. My stasis is two cups.
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mmmm coffee…. you can’t live without it 😉
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Sure can’t!
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Coffee is the only reason I’m not dead yet – and it allows me to appear to the general population as if I naturally spring forth every morning with the willpower of the entire Sunshine and Lollipops All State Cheer Squad. Well said good sir, I applaud you. No worries on the salsa-and-chips-on-the-couch day, I’ve had them too. Here’s to infinite avoidance of the aforementioned through blessed caffeine, just hook it to my veins yo. And congrats on being Freshly Pressed ; )
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Haha! Thanks, Jamie. Freebase coffee?
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Le sigh. If only my friend, if only. =P
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As a fellow writer I encourage you to have more confidence in your own creative abilities (you seem to have ability) and don’t rely on re-cycling tired and long-disproven degrading statements about a religion in order to glean attention. This does nothing for you and your career and it makes you out to be a bigot (which you may or may not actually be).
I have been a Scientologist for twenty years and have studied this religion thoroughly. The things you have said about it are tremendously distorted. Scientology is the most down-to-earth, sane religious philosophy I have ever seen or heard of and it is not only well-respected in over 160 countries around the world but also studied by millions of people who are looking for answers to age-old problems and questions.
My recommendation to you and your readers is to go onto the website you referenced and actually take a look at it. You will find none of the ridiculous things there that you wrote about. Instead you will find the truth about the fastest growing modern religion in the world.
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I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sure the recent fraud claims in Germany and france against your cul… I mean religion, are as false as my supposed misinformed perceptions. I have to ask what level you’re on, and how much you had to pay to get there? Thanks for reading!
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^^ I think Pam is Tom Cruise in disguise, just sayin.
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Do you think he’ll follow me now? I mean, I was nice enough to post a link to their website.
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Why wouldn’t he? You already have the turtleneck to wear on the day they beam you up to another universe!
I think as long as you bring your checkbook to all the meetings, you will always be in Tom’s good graces.
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I heart you Jen and tonic. People not reading your blog are missin out on some goodness
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Totally ♥ this. Sorry but it made me laugh ;-). I never was a big coffee drinker until I got older. Now I love a strong coffee in the morning and if I don’t then i’m a right grumpy moo. My fav a nice cappuccino, one isn’t enough.
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I’m glad my misery brought you pleasure.:) kidding, ‘grumpy moo’ is my new favorite phrase, can I borrow it.
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Of course you can 🙂 feel free.
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“Looks like i picked the wrong week to stop drinking coffee” airplane. That is an awesome blog post about coffee in high fidelity. I was laughing as i was reading. Daysire. Awesome word play.
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Airplane reference? You, sir, are amazing.
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I actually get the shakes and vomit if I don’t drink coffee the moment I wake up. I only drink one, maybe two a day, but I am clearly addicted. Funny post 🙂
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Wow, so many crazy stories about withdrawal symptoms. How would you ween yourself off ( presupposing you even would)?
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Reblogged this on Open Kitchen Gallery.
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Thank you, friend.
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Well written. The words just flowed. Long time since I found something so easy to read. Full disclosure—I just wrote a post on how I can’t be disciplined enough to write something good, so that could explain why I liked your post even more.
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Good stuff. Like Anne lamott’s ‘shitty fiirst draft’, with referential humor. I laughed, cried, even gaffawed a little.
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Haha. Thanks. Now I’m gonna read ‘shitty first draft’. Thanks for the tip.
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I actually enjoy the ritual of going to the Starbucks in my school and buying coffee. The urge is independent of whether I drank coffee at home in the morning.
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One of the funniest things I’ve read recently and absolutely true for what concerns me. Now I will make a cup and move on to tweeting it to a friend of mine that is exactly like this.
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Thank you, blond pond. Can you tweet high fives?
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I think that you can do everything with Twitter except making coffee.
3 mins ago or something I stumbled across an old TED video mentioning the effect of the switch to the caffeinated ambrosia in Britain you mentioned too, it looks like the universe is conspiring against me for either another cup or discussing the topic myself…or both hahaha
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Nice! If TED is on board, it must be true.
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I’m not much of a coffee drinker…I’m a happy morning person. You have made me realize why I don’t drink coffee. I love this. Super funny! Congratulations on the new job.
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I envy you…Thanks, i really appreciate that.
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You don’t have to be a morning person to be a famous writer. You already are! (in your own way, at least) I’m a self-confessed morning person and trust me, I haven’t written something as awesome as this. Keep writing!
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Thanks, nurse anj! Really nice comment-much appreciated
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I am not a coffee drinker, but this is the most hilarious thing I’ve read all day. Thank you, kindly.
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No, thank you for reading.
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My tastebuds have always had the good sense to dislike coffee, after reading your post, I guess I should be thanking them! It appears they have saved me a lot of trouble… now if only they didn’t like chocolate.
Good luck with your continued coffee habit – just be careful!
God Bless,
Donna
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You’re lucky. Thanks, donna
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Stumbled across your blog by chance. As a present coffee addict, I laughed my arse off.
Cheers,
soy & 2 sugars
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Thanks, lauren. Tons of milk and honey.
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2%
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Fantastic!
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I lived my life in slow motion until my late 20’s. Coffee and I have been going steady since then, through the good and the bad. My flesh is temporary, but the words I leave may last forever. So let the Coffee be the turbo booster to a legacy not lost. Great post sir!
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I like where your mind’s at, Travis. Cheers.
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lol… i love coffee…
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Haha, I am also really addicted to coffee. I can just catch a whiff of it and I won’t stop until I have a cup of coffee in my hands. And I often drink until I crack out. I think, as you said, “moderation dear self”. Slowly weaning yourself off of coffee veeeeeryyyy slooooowlyyyy might work better than quitting cold turkey. Enjoyed the read.
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I guess it’s better than waking up and drinking beer. Right? Maybe?
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Mike, I love your writing! For me, this read was about finding sanity together in a coffee addict’s world, while sipping my extra hot Americano with soy 🙂 If it brings any joy to your day, I am one of those morning people… a 5:30am boot-camp going, sunrise seeking, sometimes way too excited 19-year old…but I’m also addicted to coffee. It’s not just the night owls that need it! I gas up on it like it’s my job, and fortunately or unfortunately, it obviously exaggerates my natural high energy quality. I have a Pinterest board dedicated to coffee, coffee wall art in my dorm, and I’m thinking of investing in an espresso machine so I no longer have to waste my university food points on coffee alone. I experience withdrawals when I miss a morning, and I’m only a freshman in college. I’ve heard this gets worse?
Sincerely,
a slightly concerned, but very content & caffeinated coffee-aholic
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Oh yeah, it gets worse. Be prepared. And goodness forbid you go to grad school, you’ll be amped up like a monkey on crack.
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Hahaha, we’ll see. Hey, I see you’re from Cleveland. Whereabouts? I’m in University Heights.
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Nice! I grew up in Twinsburg – southeastern ‘burb. I just wrote a piece on the Cleveland turnaround. Had a fun weekend up there; a lot of good restaurants.
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You know how people drink a lot of the same liquor, say vodka, get really sick and never want to even hear its name again? Yeah, doesn’t work on coffee..
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Haha! Indeed tiffany. Indeed.
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Great post and the illustrations made me laugh while reading thru; suits well on the text. Congrats on being freshly pressed by the way.
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Thank you!
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What a pity to you. I don’t drink coffy or tea. Apparently it kills your braincells and its quite addictive.
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You’re right, I don’t read good no more.
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Quite an appropriate blog entry to read while clutching an enormous cup of coffee at 6am. I quit once…it was horrible.
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You’re a good man, rob. Keep on keeping on
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opera forum about Kopie luwak – interesting view by a real connoisseur of this exotic coffee bean read here : http://my.opera.com/Cofee%20lovers/forums/topic.dml?id=1316662&t=1338212741&page=1#comment12369652
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Great post, really enjoyed reading it, wouldn’t have found it if it weren’t for Freshly Pressed so well done on that! 🙂 I myself have only began drinking coffee in the past six months after surviving the last 21 years without it.While I’m not hooked on the stuff yet, there was a period of time, just before exams, where I ran solely on the bean and its magical properties; the few days after exams finished were tough, I can tell you that!haha
Thanks again for the read 🙂
Conor (http://getyerwitsoutforthelads.wordpress.com)
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Thanks, Conor. I like what you’re doing over at getyourwitsout. Funny stuff
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Reblogged this on Enlightening Bolt and commented:
Required reading for all java lovers..
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Awesome! Thanks!
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lolz omg this is soo funny!
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I try…:)
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You should get an alarm-cat. Mine wakes me up at 6:30am EVERYday. There are no weekends to her, so none of that lazing about on a Saturday morning. She provides this service for free…Every. Damn*. Day.
*You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve been up since 6:30 and I’m a little cranky.
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No apologies, you can say whatever you want here. I have to curb my daily cursings while writing. I should get an alarm cat. Mine just sits like a food ninja waiting for my awakening
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Oh my lord I can’t stop laughing! I hate coffee but can totally still relate to hating mornings and it’s people. Great blog and so funny! Keep ’em coming 🙂
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I shall try my best!
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I just couldn’t do it. I’ve tried the whole dry up from caffeine nonsense and I didn’t fair well either. I had a massive headache the whole time, I am quite sure I lost a couple of friends, and my productivity level went from an 8 to a 2. I also gave up on being a mom and wife… those jobs are far too hard without a Starbucks in the morning and afternoon. That being said, I’ve vowed to never go off dark roast bean juice again.
Also, I have a fellow blogger friend currently attempting to give up coffee for a whole month. He be crazy. http://the200.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/caffeine-cleanse-or-the-worst-24-hours-of-my-life/
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You gave up on being a mom and wife? That’s hardcore!
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It was a very dark time my friend.
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Hilarious !
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Caffeine runs USA.. #1 selling drug of all time.. check out my posts too i really loved yours.
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I don’t drink coffee. Am I gonna be banned from here?
😦
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Not at all. You are weollcome to hang around as long as you’d like
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“Wake up super early everyday, write, eat lunch, write some more, watch Matlock, chamomile tea, sleep.” ~ are you describing a morning person here or an 87 year old?
The two sound eerily similar… 😉
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How dare you diss my Matlock! Kidding, I suppose I have an image of myself coffee free- which involves the activities of an 80year old
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There is good research that coffee – increases anxiety and doesn’t help mental alertness, aside from being addictive. Protein helps mental alertness
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Tongue in cheek, Rich. Google it.
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Lol, this article had me laughing like hell. Still good stuff if you ask me but true never the less. I know what its like to stay sharp on a coffee high, i can remember going a week without being able to write a damn word but the moment i had a triple expresso i was typing away like possessed man. I still don’t recommend using that as an energy source or an excuse to write well but it does have its advantages. -,o
http://wp.me/2aAA8
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Hey thanks future, appreciate it.
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Anytime buddy, keep up the good work, it really made my day
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I could write endlessly on this topic, but let me leave you with three words: you’re not alone.
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Hi all, just looking in pure astonishment at the number of comments here. It is a hot topic. Coffee has truly conquered the world all over.
Amazing. Great post forum included.
Has anybody thought about other uses of coffee – rather than only drinking it – ? What is your experience with coffee with regard to reducing the effects of migraines ? Thanks for your posts.
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Migraine relievers have caffeine in them, if that’s what your going for. Plus, choco-moca moose is delicious.
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I too HATE mornings with a passion and love honey & milk coffee just as much.
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The ‘Halle Berry’ of coffees.
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Classic. I can sympathize. Try having a bone chilling fever for three days and thought of coffee makes your stomach do tiny flips. However, you have a migraine that feels like miners are trying to escape from inside your cranium because of caffeine withdrawal. Yep – sucks. Once I felt human again it was a pot of the sweet nectar of life for me and voila, migraine gone. Problem solved. Never thought of becoming a scientologist though 🙂
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A vicious downward spiral, my friend. My withdrawals are more psychological in nature. 🙂
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Compared with the local Americans, I see lots of them like drinking coffee in the morning…
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I never thought I would become a caffeine addict until one day, I decided to take no caffeine (including tea, my most favorite beverage)…I did it well, except I ended up sleeping about 15 hours that day…..including before lunch nap, noon nap and evening nap. So I kind of understand. Lack of caffeine is disaster 😛
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I know! I can relate about the sleeping. It’s sad I’m addicted to something, but it’s apparently keeping me alive.
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I am so addicted to coffee, this is so funny! I gave up drinking, now coffee is my addiction of choice
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I might give up the drinking the wine for a piece…hmmm
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The sobbing and the weening. The weening and the sobbing. Every summer it’s the same damned thing. http://kennethauthor.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/the-sandlot-squints.jpg.
The Big League Chew thing brought baseball to mind, man. This is a great diatribe on addiction. Keep up the fantastic work!
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Sandlot reference – excellent job, my friend. And thanks for reading.
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My pleasure, man. Brilliant post on the travails of addiction, no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I had visions of T.C. Boyle having a cup of coffee next to Jim Carroll’s opiated reverie on a couch…
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I tried to quit coffee too, once or twice, then realized it’s just not worth it. I need a kick to make me a tolerable enough person. Not I just try super hard to limit my cup of coffee to only one in the morning. I don’t even want to imagine mornings without coffee anymore!
Very hilarious post!
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Thanks, Ritika!
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I have tried several times to stop or slow down the amount of coffee as you have mike, the last time I tried I had a tremendous headache that lasted for 2 days! Could not bare it anymore, I stopped to think if there was different that was causing it. It hit me, Cup of Coffee – As soon as I had my cup of coffee it went away within a few minutes. And that was and will be the last time I attempt. This withdraw is much more than I can bare again. So I am with you – and without knowing it I to, have invoked by the Caffeine Devil.
captivatinglingerieboutique.wordpress.com
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Hilarioussssssssssssssss hahahahahaahha
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I love this post. I love that it’s been freshly-pressed. I love it because I am reading it whilst drinking coffee coming from a freshly-pressed brew 🙂
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It’s all coming together as I planned, bwahaha!
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Congrats on the new job…and FYI, I can’t stop reading this post. I’ve shared it on Facebook, and now LinkedIn. I nearly spit my coffee out laughing. Well done!
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Thanks, Jeanette. I appreciate it.
I rank the funniness of my posts by ‘spit takes’ so I’ll count you as a half (or an almost).
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What I don’t get is why you didn’t go for a cinematic hat trick and left Target without getting Troll 3.
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They were completely sold out. That, and all the Leprechaun flicks were gone. Bush league operation over there at Target.
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Mumbai to Pune cabs
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I am dying! I have spurted my coffee twice while reading this! I can relate. For the past month I’ve been attending a “headache” clinic. This is a place where they try to teach you how to rid yourself of migraines. (Scientology may be involved, I’m still using my mad FBI skills to confirm). The “head” migraine nurse (no pun intended) told me I’d have to stop drinking coffee for a month. Wwwwhaaatt? Of course I told her I would and promised to fill in the pages of my headache journal. Like you, I tried to go caffeine free for a week, as a show of good faith. Alas, I lasted two days. Had Target been in the vicinity, God only knows what I would have walked out with. I have an appointment today and there, in red marker, I’ve written “No coffee since May 4, 2012.” Yes, it’s a lie and I’m not apologizing. I’ve decided following Machiavelli is the best course of action at this point. And because I don’t think they have straight jackets at the headache clinic. Which is what the security guards would have stuffed me in today had I gone without java for a month. I LOVED your post! Thanks for the chuckles!
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So the prognosis is too much caffeine? no way no way this is how people get things done – Coffee.
Thanks for reading.
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Praise coffee indeed. This is my drug too, friend. And I say it’s the least of its cousins: the cigarette and booze.
Keep drinking knowing you are not alone 😉
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I will, Kai. I’m digging that gravatar pick, where was it taken?
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I’m drinking coffee right now, attempting to wake up. I drink so much coffee, as a comic book fan I collect original artwork featuring characters drinking coffee…
http://www.comicartfans.com/GalleryRoom.asp?GSub=37614
All hail the great god Caffeine 🙂
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That’s actually pretty awesome. Did Bruce Wayne drink coffee, or was he to unstable for caffeine?
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I think we need to lobby for bright red “DECAF” stickers on coffee bags. I’m old, my eyes are bad – I picked up DECAF by mistake recently. Two pounds. Good Grief! I thought I was dying! My husband finally spotted the bag – “when did you switch to DECAF?” he says. wow, what a relief!
I’ve been trying to give away the leftover pound and a half. NOBODY WANTS IT!
thanks for blogging, I needed to know, there’s others like me. I love mornings, by the way, but wouldn’t want to be left stumbling around here in the dark with a good jolt of the joo-joo juice.
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It’s like accidentally grabbing non-alcoholic beer – it tastes the same, but tricks you!
‘joo-joo juice’? I love it.
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try Shannon Wheeler – “Too Much Coffee Man”
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Wait. I thought all trips to Target were fraught with profanity and buying crap we don’t need. It’s the coffee? I refuse to believe.
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The quality and randomness of what you buy gets a little skewed when cracked out.
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Wait, coffee has negative side effects? This completely explains why I own the movie “The Last Samurai” on DVD. It was the perfect storm of crazy; coffee withdrawal, target and Tom Cruise. I didn’t have a chance, did I?
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How many times have you watched it?
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Hm, I don’t know if that is something that I want to admit on a public forum. I do drink enough coffee to be cracked out to think that watching this movie is actually a good idea once a day, er I mean year.
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Laughed my face off, almost had my caffeine come out of my nose – yikes! Hats off dude, the mere thought of considering quitting causes the heart paps that actually drinking it never does… I gave up tobacco, I gotta draw the line somewhere and it is waaaay south of quitting caffeine. Glad you came to your senses since when you did, we got a stellar posting. Keep drinking. please.
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I will. Thanks, crone!
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“Novel finished in weeks.”
Yeah. Right.
Hilarious!
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Okay – a haiku, or novella
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one word that will cure your troubles: Clocky.
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hahaha! I thought about it, but chasing a friggin alarm clock around my house in the a.m. seems like it has potential for anger-inducing repercussions.
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My good God!!! If this is what will happen to me if I ever try to get off coffee I’m never going to start! Sanity in tea!
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Sani-tea…? No? C’mon!
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you know most pple think switching to tea is much better, as if its better than coffee. i dont drink coffee… but i am totally addicted to tea! i used to drink 10 cups becuz hey “its just tea” but its caffiene, i cut it down to one or two a day. i tried to stop drinking tea completely but the side effects where crazy, after 3 days i started drinking again …. tea that is 😀
if someone has anxiety, tea and coffee dont help the ‘relaxation” process.
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10 cups? Holy shite. I’m going with a one cup of coffee – two cups of tea during the day kind of system. It’s working, kind of.
Definitely not.
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I really loved your article. Although I am a morning person 5:30 a.m. actually I definately share your love of coffee. Always have. Thank you for the great read! Listen, if you ever go through N.C. Asheville has amazing coffee shops! I’d love to see you by my page. http://annlivingston.wordpress.com/
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Thanks!
Asheville is on my top 3 short list. Will check out your blog.
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Nice blog.you made me laugh.. Lol
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Laughed to tears . . . thanks . . . almost as good as a cup of coffee.
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Thanks, O.K.!
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This was outstanding. I’m going to read it to my wife over coffee. Mmmmm… Coffee. I had some amazing Blueberry Pie coffee the other day. Yum.
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Blue berry pie coffee? Nice! East Coaster?
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Completely with you on this one, very funny! Thanks for giving me the warning not to try it myself!
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I did it for all of us
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There’s an undeniable resemblance between you and Tom Cruise;). I personally REALLY NEED at least one cap of coffee a day to keep me going. And I feel so much better knowing I am not the only person in the Universe to come alive at night. Early mornings… ahhhh. NO!
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Exactly, vampirical are we. Unfortunately, for my new job, I actually have to get up before 7:30am. I hate it.
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Very funny. As you have surely read in some comments, coffee is good for you, so rejoice!
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/16/coffee-drinkers-may-live-longer/
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Yeeesss! 2-6 cups win bonus years!
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Man, I’m not even supposed to drink coffee anymore for health reasons. But I’ve gradually gotten back in to it. Though in recent years I’ve gotten more into teas-which actually turned out better for me, but NOTHING like that jolt from the first few sip of Joe. I am a coffee addict to the bone. I love coffee so much, I drink it black. It’s been about 15-20 years since I last put anything in my coffee-esp. gourmet coffees. But sometimes I’ll get just a tad irritable when the pot’s cold, but instead of bitchin’ about it, I just make a fresh pot and keep it going.
Other than that, I can relate to what you said on your post. Sometimes coffee can pose as anabolic steroids for the body-esp. when you feel like you’re about to snap over the most mundane issues that really weren’t all that serious.
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Did not know the part about anabolic steroids. Thanks for the knowledge.
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No Prob. I may hit the coffee shop later on this week after reading your post.
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Coffee, nectar to the dark gods. I’ve given up drugs, I’ve given up smoking, I’ve given up sex (for the most part), and I’ve given up marriage. I will not give up my coffee. It’s that good.
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Aye-men to that. I have always considered coffee as a food group. Part of a daily (im)balanced diet.
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nice article
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Life without coffee is not worth living. Any questions?
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So what is the best way to avoid coffee stains on one’s teeth ?
I have switched to drinking ice-coffee with a straw.
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Injecting it. 🙂
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I hope you are not suggesting Enema shots !
Got the love of every thing that is holy, anything but that.
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I meant to the say for the love of everything holy. Anything but Coffee-Enema-Shots. 😉
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Hahaha! No no no coffee enemas
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amen.
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Hilarious & relateable post!!! Congrats on your new job & being a Blogger of the day!:)
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Thanks, Mary. I really appreciate it.
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I am here having my coffee, of course!;-)
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Mike, you are a fantastic writer! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. I laughed, I empathized and I was inspired to sweeten my coffee with honey, something I’ve never tried. I completely agree about those morning people…I often wonder what it would be like to enjoy waking up, lol! I really appreciate a well written, thought provoking post with no grammatical errors. Thanks for your attention to detail and hilarious photos to boot. Favorite Freshly Pressed blog of the day. 🙂
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Honey is the best, or agave. I cut out sugars so I use the more natural stuff.
Thanks for reading!
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The powers of coffee must never be underestimated. I once drank decaf by mistake and it was only when I caught myself drooling on my shirt that I realised something was seriously wrong. Lesson learned.
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Are you sure you didn’t drink Novacaine? Same effect…
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I just made a coffee run…so I was curious about this post. Loved the storytelling, details and images!
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Thank you, DC! I appreciate it
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The first time I ever gave up something for Lent, I thought, “What’s the hardest thing I could possibly give up?” Although my family and friends avoided me, I did manage to make it the entire month without coffee. Since I gave up the absolute best thing about my day, I thought manna would rain down from Heaven or something. When that didn’t happen, I was a little bit bitter. So the next year, I gave up beets* for Lent.
Anyone who tells you that coffee is bad for you is really just trying to hog it all for themselves… Bring on coffee, and all of its anti-oxidants!
*I don’t eat beets the rest of the year either.
P.S. What is a trackback?
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An excellent thing to give up for lent. See, coffee even has anti-oxidants.
I think a trackback is when you get hunted down as a blogger, and bludgeoned by haters.
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You either watch far too many Martin Scorsese movies, or you secretly delete a lot of negative comments from haters… or perhaps all of that “caffeine” is making you paranoid. Does your coffee-grower live right next door to men who fly private planes, grow cocoa plants, and deal only in very large sums of cash?
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Well definitely the former, everyone’s been pretty nice, except for the Scientologists. They didn’t like this post for some reason.
My nickname is Fredrico…
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Reblogged this on Filmologìe of monsters and little princesses.
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You are awesome. Thanks! Love the blog name.
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The Heavenly Brew is my lifeline throughout my day. I eat, drink and even breath coffee! I am often the person people just shake their heads at…of course my six shot espresso is in my little hand. Thank you for returning to coffee…or for returning to the Dark Side. “Well I guess it could be the Light Side depending on how you take your coffee!” I really enjoyed reading about your epic journey.
Peach State
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Let’s call it the ‘light side’. Thanks for reading!
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I tried to quit coffee a few months ago. WHAT. A. MISTAKE. So now I’m drinking more than ever, farting a lot, and writing bad poetry about my caffeinated brown mistress. Oh well.
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Farting Poetry sounds like a great name for a band. You get dibs on lead vocals.
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Ha! My “vocals” are epic. Especially after a pot or two of coffee.
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One of the best post read in a while. Keep coming back for more. In brief it seems you speak the coffee language. Simply amazing.
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And here I was, just this morning… genuinely considering cutting back my coffee intake. Thank god you saved me from the horror.
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It’s just not worth it (the quitting). Glad I could I save you from the dark depths of withdrawal.
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As a voracious coffee drinker who won’t give it up (even though drinking it at night is beginning to screw up my sleep big-time), I salute you.
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Thanks, Jesse. Never ever give it up – though, you might want to throw some whiskey in there at night to balance things out.
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This is fantastic and FP’d! Wow!
Yesterday, I was so anxious for my caffeine fix, I drank the first cup and a half that poured out of the coffeemaker. That was a big mistake. It was like syrup. 6 espressos. I went to tennis and was in a deuce smack down when my heart started to bang away and would not chill out! Well you probably read my post about my PVST’s and how they were fixed almost three years ago, so I was a little freaked out. Then after the 25 deuce, my partner and I finally won and my heart slowed, a little. Thank God.
Today I waited for the whole pot to fill and only poured one cup.
Thanks for bringing this Roam Around With Mike post to the party! The way it works is the more you click on links, the more they click back. Follow a couple and they should follow you back!
It’s become a RAGER and should run through the weekend that is if the meteor doesn’t take out a couple of satellites tonight!
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Thanks, Susie.
Sorry to hear about your tennis/coffee freakout, but sounds like you needed that extra edge.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME and the post party. Such a great idea. Will have to hit it up more later tonight.
Yeah, steer your asteroid elsewhere.
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Thanks! I am so glad that you joined in the fun.:)
I just heard that an asteroid/meteor struck Russia and hurt almost 1000 people and they’re saying its not even related to the one that is supposed to flyby tonight! Sheesh! Stay away from your windows just in case. I guess that’s how so many were hurt.
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Yeah. Look for the video, it’s nuts! A cop car caught the thing hitting on a dashcam.
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I’ve been watching CNN. The big one will flyby at 12:20 eastern!
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2:20 Eastern! Duh. 12:20 Mountain. There’s still time to grab your helmet… 🙂
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Hello! Susie sent me. Wonderful post! 🙂
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Hey, sweetspot! Thanks for stopping by.
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Have you ever thought about publishing an e-book or guest authoring on other blogs?
I have a blog based on the same topics you discuss and would
really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers
would appreciate your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.
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I can relate. I have terrible coffee withdrawals, Plus, my stats magically goes down whenever I don’t get my dose. Good read!………………
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Thanks, Pengertian!
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This is everything.
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As a voracious coffee drinker who won’t give it up (even though drinking it at night is beginning to screw up my sleep big-time), I salute you…..
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Well, Ramalan, this was written a while ago, and I must admit I am very much back on the coffee. Drink on, friend (but maybe stop after 3pm so your dreams aren’t so speedy).
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You’re not alone, I’m also not a morning person! Waking up in the morning has always been a challenge for me. Thanks goodness for coffee. What you did is hilarious! But well done for doing it for five straight days. But please, do yourself and us (your readers) a favor, DON’T ever do it again! 🙂
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Ha – I absolutely won’t. That’s my guarantee to you, Claire.
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