Promise, these are real items, and I’ll probably get sued for making fun of them…
But first, I have to take a quick moment to recognize what has been the most humbling time in my fledgling writing career. Majority of you are here because of the ‘freshly pressed’ piece (COFFEE!), and honestly, I feel like a nerd voted prom king. I can’t thank you all enough for the outpouring of support/kind words, and for appreciating my irreverent referential humor. Please stick around – I’ll do my best to bring some laughs through my travel adventures.
On a flight to New Orleans this past weekend, I was a bit bored – too lazy to get up to get a book out of my overhead bag. I spent a couple of minutes fighting sleep in that awkward-position-where-your-head-rolls-off-the-headrest-and-you-accidentally-bite-the-tip-of-your-tongue-catching-yourself-dozing. Both crosswords in the United Magazine were completed, and the same asshole genius had defeated the Sudoku squares. So, I decided to do some birthday shopping.
Skymall is not a magical consumer paradise located in the stratosphere (unfortunately); ’tis only a magazine in plane seat pockets – usually covered in human goop or whatever sugary elements spilled from the food tray. Skymall offers
ludicrously useless, tchotchke heartwarming, precious gifts for all ages. I flipped to page 6, getting lost in the magic of pretend generosity (www.skymall.com)
For my special lady friend, Marti: ‘It is what it is’ bracelet.
This bracelet is a true gem. Without punctuation to clarify intent, vagueness and mystery abounds. Use your imagination!
“It is? What?! IT IS!!???” said in response to, ‘The baby’s not yours, it’s actor Nicholas Cage’s’.
“It is what it is… ” – Last words before the suicidal man plummetted off the Golden Gate Bridge.
“It? Is What. It is.” Christopher Walken reading Confucius.
For Mom: A ‘Giant Black-back Lowland Gorilla Statue’.
What better way to tell Ma ‘Thanks for pushing me out of your body’ than giving her an ugly–ass, forty pound Gorilla statue. At three feet tall, it’s just high enough to scare the bejeezus out of people when placed in an optimum corner, or say, eye-level in an unsuspecting person’s closet. So majestic, so the movie ‘Congo’; so Mom.
For Dad:’ iGrow Hair laser’.
Was going to get this for myself, as my recede is much more prominent than Dad’s, but I’m buying him this hair growing device BECAUSE he already has a full quaff. Imagine how thick and luxurious his hair could be if follicle count is doubled, tripled even. I mean, it’s a Tron helmet that grows your hair, while playing Steely Dan tunes. Seriously, this thing cost me $700, he better love it. Though, I hope he doesn’t end up like this…
For Sis: Large ‘Super Skate Sail’.
My sister is quite athletic, more so than her border-line alcoholic big brother. I bought her this fantabulous skate sail (in purple!) not because she recently completed a half-marathon and I want to bring her down a notch; make her look like a total dick flying a tarp attached to a skateboard dangerously fast through her neighborhood (to land safely in pillow-soft grass, of course). No, this gift buries the hatchet on sibling rivalry.
For Me: ‘The Traveler’s Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon’ (the TBBTSC for those of us in the travel biz).
I can’t think of anything more soothing after a tiring day of roaming than sleeping in a white, pristine body bag. No bed bugs, no germs, no dignity. A little treat for me from me. Imagine the horror the maid will feel as she finds me slumbering in an encompassing white sheet, mistaking me for the ghost of poor man’s Keanu Reeves . Oh the laughs we’ll have! *Does not repel vampires, STD’s, or bad decisions. – Mike