Summer, at elevation…
“Mike, how do you stay in such good shape for traveling?”
“Oh stop it!”
“No, I’m serious – were you carved from stone?”
“Am I blushing!”
Marti asks if I’m interviewing myself again with pre-recorded questions.
“No!” – I tell her, coughing over the beeping of the pushed ‘stop’ button on the digital recorder.
“That’s a pretty soft stone you’re carved from. Limestone, Shale?” She mocks
“Whatever rock the old man in the mountain in New Hampshire is made of.” I reply, magnanimously
“You do know that collapsed?”
“F**k.”
____________________________________________________
Had a health scare the other day – everything is cool – but my heart played the drum solo from Phil Collins’ ‘In the Air Tonight’ while I was at work. Nothing stress-induced, it just happened.
So, I hung out in the E.R. for a few hours, to watch some cable TV (I don’t have cable at home; benefits of a heart attack scare), while listening to the dramas of the traumas.
I sat there thinking about the last time I was in shape. I mean, I’m not really out of shape per se, but I’m no Richard Simmons.
Balloons and fitness – recipe for bedazzle!
Aside from my 6 years as a distance runner in middle/high school, filled with knee/lower back pains, and teen angst, I haven’t been in really good ‘shape’ since…well, childhood, when all-day energy-benders were commonplace.
On the way home, after being cleared from the ER, I decided I need a work-out regime. Rather than getting all hopped up on Fun-Dip while playing wiffle ball like my 8-year-old self wanted to, I tried a weekend’s worth of 80’s montage workouts, to test what I should keep as my staple fitness. The results were quite interesting…
Karate Kid
Man I loved this movie; still do. Always enamored with karate – I went to the martial arts studio (is this what you call it?) across the street in search of my Mr. Miyagi.
This is what I was going for:
The dojo, or Martial Arts store was closed.
What really happened:
Wax on, wacks off
Floor Karate
Outcome: Karate sucks
Rocky IV
I wore the VHS out in the 80’s; Capitalism vs. Communism, but as a kid, it was a little guy kicking the shit out of a much, bigger, taller, stronger, real-life elite karate master, bad-guy. Having failed at karate, I decide to hit the weight room.
What I was going for:
Stallone, having sex with a wheel barrel
What really happened:
Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing?
Outcome: I got distracted. Besides, weights are really heavy.
Steve Prefontaine
Okay, this one has nothing to do with the 80’s. “Pre” died in ’75 in a terrible car wreck, BUT he was my hero way back in my healthy high school days, and he might have become one of the greatest runners of all time if not for his miserable ego.
What I was going for:
What really happened:
I shaved a mustache for aerodynamics, and he still beat me! In slippers!
Outcome: Running = walker.
Teen Wolf
The other side of that childhood Rocky IV VHS tape had Teen Wolf on it. L. Ron bless standard long play VHS recorders
Michael J. Fox made me want to play basketball so bad as a kid…he also made me want to change into a werewolf before that Twilight kid Nair-ed his chest, making werewolves look like pouty Abercrombie duncers. That’s not even a word, duncer, but it sounds British, and the British are way better at cursing than I.
Anyway, I pick up a b-ball, and play a little one-on-one with myself, breaking the comedic rule of threes.
What I was going for:
You shave your chest?
What really happened:
Outcome: White Men STILL Can’t Jump – Mike
P.S. I have a new logo! Joyous day! AND you can now follow Roam About Mike on Facebook, keep up with my travels, and blatherings.
P.S.S. Thanks to Marti for the fantastic photos, and amazing leg modeling – your toe nails look great.
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
LOL!!!! Oh my gosh Mike, this is f-ing hilarious hahahaha! Soooo you pretty much just suck at all sports now and have to stick with something like crocheting? 🙂
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Basically, yes. Even crocheting is dangerous…
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Mike, glad to know you’re okay. This was freakin’ hilarious. All of it. Gawd, maybe rest in the E.R. turned up your funny or something. Tell Marti her blue toenails are cool and for gawd’s sake, start slow and use some Ace bandages. :).
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thanks, brigitte 🙂
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You’re welcome, Marti. It takes a brave woman to rock blue toenails and you did.
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Haha, yes, ACE bandages indeed. And an ice compress, and Ben Gay, and a sits bath.
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Had a great time with the banages and compresses last night.
Cheers, Ben Gay
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this was the start that i needed for my morning and i thought that we were going to tell everyone that those were paul’s legs?!
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You’re welcome blogosphere. I use olive oil soap and a Japanese cow knife to get them so smooth. It’s a family secret, passed from father to son, father to son over the last 76 generations. The blue nail polish is great great great great great grandfather Paulonidas’ recipe. It beat the Persians. With sex appeal.
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I was, but I didn’t want to interfere with the Paulonidas recipe for sex appeal.
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Blue nail polish rocks! And don’t feel too bad; those guys in walkers cheat 🙂
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They totally cheat, Vicki! I have the bruises to prove it
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Now THAT…is how I like to stat Tuesday mornings! Great post duder!
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Thanks, BB!
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um, this is amaze-balls and hilarious. and i’m glad you’re alright, which i should’ve said first, but i got lost in the comedy. seriously, i really dug this. and the new header logo is awesome. looking forward to more… xo, sm
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Thanks, Sweet Moms. I’m good, I just have to stop snorting coke and speed skating. Deadly alone, even worse as a duo.
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Hahaha …try checkers … Oh, no … Do not try it, because if you do, you will have a chance to look like my husband ( Igor)… Marti( Paul?!) your nails are beautiful 🙂 see you guys pretty soon hopefully in a good shape …
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Definitely not playing checkers then (waits for Igor to comment).
Definitely see you soon!!
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I’m so glad you’re okay. You are the only person I’ve ever enjoyed watching play basketball.
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I’m like a majestic gazelle on the court – a majestic, newborn gazelle.
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I laughed so hard at the office, people stared. You ain’t no Richard Simmons hahaha. Your craziness is refreshing.
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Thanks, Erika. Glad I could make things awkward for you at work. 🙂
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Wallet Ballet, Mike, try water ballet..(lol) (I just cracked up laughing thinking about a picture of that) Ironically I was just talking to someone about my workout routine (finally got back in that groove) ..You can do it Mike,, Go, Mike Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🙂
Hilarious post!
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Synchronized water ballet…I’ve written this down for my next “work-out” post. :0
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oh my god, you gave her your O face. solid work. glad you’re not dead.
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I was actually practicing my yodeling…I like to multi-task.
Still kickin it – haven’t been to asia yet, can’t die.
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Best laugh I’ve had all day, especially those last three photos! Who wants to spend time getting in shape when they can make funny blog posts about not being in shape instead?! Way to come up with a new and inspiring twist on a visit to the ER! Makes me wish for a heart palpitaiton or two…
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If you have writers block, I suggest the Er – it’ll loosen the ideas, and you get a free sticker at the end of your visit. 🙂
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