Oh man I love the holidays! In the words of Tiny Tim, “I’m starving!”
I DO love the holidays – ’tis the season when 3 months of forced christmarketing bears fruit; the five pounds of belly padding finally shed from Thanksgiving matched with noggy booze drinks, chocolates, and a myriad of meats; people ceding churlishness to fleeting merriment and soon, the simple task of grocery shopping will no longer be a roundhouse kick to the mental gonads.
I’ve been thinking about how to give back this year; how to spread some random acts of holiday love to my fellow Columbusites. Here’s my list so far – it’s ‘just the tip’ – let me know what you think:
1. Leaving Cheer on people’s doorsteps.
What says; “Love thy kith and kin…and residents of random addresses picked from the obsolete yellow pages” better than a box of powdered laundry detergent. Don’t be affiliation biased – yes hanukah is over, but pop a menorah in that bad boy, a kwanzaa cornucopia, or a festivus pole – ring the doorbell, and hide behind the nearest bush whispering “Merry Holidays, sweet stranger” with a tear in your eye.
*Warning: Cheer is flammable. Using real candles on the menorah will cause a fire storm.
2. Surprise Caroling
I don’t know what it is, but traditional caroling creeps me out. Maybe it’s the garb, or the performers facial expressions – phony porno O-faces. Even the charlie brown special weirds me out at times. Where are the Peanut characters’ teeth? And why do their mouths look like upside down horse jockey hats?
Surprise caroling is waaaaay better. Simply break into someone’s house/car, wait until they are in their most vulnerable moment; like sleeping, or on the crapper, then belt out your favorite carol in cut time.
Imagine the eager ovation, and amazing acoustics of ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing’ in a bathroom, while your vocal gift recipient showers.
*Surprise caroling may also take place in dark alleys, public restrooms, and supply closets.
3. Beard Glitter
I love getting cards packed with and/or doused in glitter. Nothing like a torrent of shiny flecks falling all over your holiday sweater, and dress pants like a waterfall of hallelujah – and later having to explain to your girlfriend why you’re covered in stripper dust.
Amy Sedaris calls glitter the “Herpes of the craft world”. Speaking of herpes, the girl above…daddy must be proud.
Stripper dad: “She always loved arts and crafts.”
Glitter is super expensive – like, hundreds of cents, so, cut down your holiday expenditures by substituting real glitter, for beard hair.
Simply trim your beard, chop up the hairs like so much cocaine, and wallah! Write a nice holiday card, and pack that momma full of Beard Glitter and send it off to your favorite Auntie!
Don’t have a beard? Trim your head hair.
Bald? Trim your bush – it’s all the same.
4. Santa was totally here!
Make true believers out of your bastard neighbors!
On Xmas eve, when everyone is fast asleep with visions of sugar plums pissing their beds, head to the local stables, fill up a bucket or two of equine scat. When you have enough, lace up those Doc Martins, grab a ladder and make your way to the roof to distribute the horse shit all over.
Draw sleigh marks with your half-finished bottle of Johnny Walker red and stomp as hard as you can on the roof to make boot prints while drunkenly calling your cheating ex-girlfriend a HO HO HO!
If you want to make a real impact, break into the house, leave a streak of ‘Blitzen’ chocolate on the chimney hearth, and eat every single food item in the house.
In the morning, at first light, the children will be filled with wonder and awe while Ma and Pa figure out why their booze and medicine closet is empty, and Grandma is missing. – Mike