Yeti opens a crusted eye to a den bathed in overcast winter light. He is sore from shoveling the path to his cave, and his shoulders scream as he rubs his scruff.
His gut protrudes; ebbing and flowing with labored breath.
What kind of abominable holiday bender…?
Days upon days of carnivorous treats – swine, squirrel, rabbit, puppet, cow – did he really eat a puppet?
Perhaps it was some kid’s teddy bear. Maybe he accidentally ate someone’s child…
He coughs up a hunk of felt.
Definitely puppet.
Oh how the festive holiday wine flowed…
The Yeti grumbles and mumbles, stretching his hairy legs; his back cracks, his liver groans – he plops down from his nest.
In the words of Roger Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon – quite possibly the greatest 80’s action series; “Riggs, I’m getting too old for this shit!”
Thief – the Yeti’s Puma friend/cohabiter – fearful of the sight of the rising ‘Squatch, ends his ball-less groin licking to flee the room.
Shuffle, shuffle, scuffle and shower.
Yeti why you wake at such a late hour?
“Life is taxing”
“I’ve been relaxing.”
“Who the fuck are you – Matt Lauer?”
He washes his fur.
He washes his parts.
Tries not to pass out
from hot shower farts.
A shit
A shave
Time to behave
Pack up the ornaments –
Except for this one – it’s staying up.
the yule log
Is today the day he dusts off the blog?
Freshly cleansed, the Yeti reemerges – plugs back into reality – checks his emails; checks his facebook, and finally, WordPress.
Lots of new followers, not much traffic, tons of spam from Indonesia; Yeti makes a mental note to go door to door upon his next visit to Sumatra.
Roam About blog is dead.
He curses the more ambitious holiday bloggos in ancient Yetitian:
“Unnnh Pffffffft Aarrrrrgh Snarrrrrrrr!”
Translation: Bastards!
The Mayans were wrong; it’s time to go on.
And start writing again.
Happy ’13, My Dear Readers!
And a special Happy 4345 to my Korean Followers!
I’m back – miss me?
I want a ski mask like that! I will need it today… shivers while thinking about what she is about to do…..
Happy 2013! May the year be full of stuffed puppets and shaved squirrel. What?
LikeLike
Skiing? Snowboarding? Yeti search?
Same to you! As grandma used to say – May your squirrels be shorn.
LikeLike
Nope. Not even close. 🙂
Your grandma is a smart lady.
LikeLike
happy 2013, uncle yeti! can’t wait to read more.
LikeLike
You were right, that does sound pervy.
LikeLike
Okay, this is very strange my son. Happy “13 to all. Isn’t that the ski mask I bought you and your sister haha
LikeLike
Good. That’s what I’m going for in ’13. 🙂
LikeLike
Your imagery is vivid for sure. I feel as if i was there with your flatmate when the yeti awakened – and I am not sure I wanted to be :).
LikeLike
Hahaha – thanks, Sara – and no, you didn’t want to be within a square mile of the Yeti awakening.
LikeLike
Very original style, thanks for the laughs!
LikeLike
Well, thanks for reading!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on albertgenau.
LikeLike
Who ARE you?
LikeLike
I am Yeti
LikeLike