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The Gall of These People…(A Comedy in Two Acts)


Chinese Proverb: Monkey that throws poo has poo hand.

Act 1, Part 1: Phishing.

In which our hero, Mike, excitedly receives an advertising query for Roam About.

Screen Shot 2013-05-13 at 1.12.18 PM

Act 1, Part 2:  Swords Drawn.

Forever a cynic, Mike uses sarcasm to smoke out the evil spammers.

Screen Shot 2013-05-14 at 2.41.08 PM

Act 2, Part 1: The Incorrigible.

Ne’er the giver-upper, Media Discovery auto-sends an unconvincing response to our hero, piercing his ego through ignorance.

Screen Shot 2013-05-14 at 2.04.51 PM

Act 2, Part 2:  To the Beach, with Kitties. Where our hero slays the evil spammers with a dragoon of sardonic wit.  

Screen Shot 2013-05-16 at 9.41.05 AM

Epilogue: Upon receiving the last email, the spammer called the phone number provided, which is actually the direct line to the Westboro Baptist Church. After talking with Fred Phelps for 5 minutes, the evil spammer had a revelation, understanding how annoying his spamming-ways were, vowing to stop and follow his dream of owning a floral shop/winery combo called ‘ValenVines’.

Our hero Mike went on the have a successful career in reverse spamming (the hypocrisy of posting the direct line to WBC is not beyond him). Unable to drive manual cars left-handed, he never made it on ‘Top Gear’, nor did the Cleveland Browns ever win a SuperBowl…in his lifetime.

Mike retired from writing at the age of 32, and perished in a freak gardening accident the following year. He is survived by his beloved Co-habitant, Charlize Theron, Marti, and his cat, Thief. 

“Assess My Blog” was not a euphemism.

41 Comments Post a comment
  1. Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.

    May 17, 2013
  2. Bravo! Better than Pirates of Penzance, I mean, I laughed so hard I wet my pants. Better than Cats. I mean, damn those rat bastards!

    May 17, 2013
    • Merci, Merci!
      Feel free to throw rotten fruit at this post, Honie.

      May 17, 2013
      • You handled this much more creatively than I did. Scam scum sends me into a tiz!

        May 17, 2013
        • They cleaned out my bank account, but it was worth it! 🙂

          May 17, 2013
  3. This is amazing, not only because it involves the greatness that is Left Hand Milk Stout and avenging the heinousness that is the WBC (which is like the best combo platter there is), but also because it involves swords and dragons and the kids really into Game of Thrones these days.

    When does ValenVines open? Because I could really use some of that in my life.

    May 17, 2013
    • PinotNinja,

      I love that you love Left Hand Stout, and verbally abusing the WBC.
      Seriously, I want to drink a Left Hand Milk Stout right now! Mmm delicious! *waits to be noticed by Left Hand.

      Dragons dragoons, same thing. I am sort of addicted to that show…:)

      ValenVines will open next february according to my spammer friend. He (there are no girl spammers) is just waiting to get approval from the bank.

      May 17, 2013
  4. I’ll remember that Charlize comment.

    May 17, 2013
  5. mp #

    This is magic…I love this.

    May 17, 2013
  6. Ah, wonderful! I hope someone, somewhere, keeps a file of spam phishing Greatest Hits and your responses are archived… thanks for the Friday laugh!

    May 17, 2013
    • Thank YOU for the wonderful cups. Love them.

      May 17, 2013
  7. You and I both referenced Westboro Baptist Church in our posts today. You know what that means, right? You’re hacking into my blog and stealing my material.

    May 17, 2013
    • You got me, Jen. This is kind of embarrassing, but I left my favorite hoodie in your blog, I need it back. There may or may not be some needled paraphernalia in the pockets…so, wear gloves.

      May 17, 2013
  8. free penny press #

    Damn, I need to check my spam more often.. maybe I too can get rich quick…
    loved your witty (as always) responses..and to think they answered 😉

    May 18, 2013
    • This one was a bit more invasive, as they actually sent this to my gmail account. Bastards!

      Thanks, Lynne!

      May 20, 2013
  9. Hilarious. I’ve tried the reverse spamming technique a few times, especially with our friends trying to get the millions out of Nigeria – with no success. They apparently see through my spam the spammer techniques and don’t respond. How do they ever expect to get any fake money if they can’t even respond to an inquiry?

    May 19, 2013
    • I know! Why don’t they trust the people they are going to trust with a Nigerian Prince’s inheritance? Crazy spammers
      Thanks, Battle

      May 20, 2013
  10. Beautiful response. Ha.

    May 19, 2013
    • I showed them. They’ll never spam anyone ever again.

      May 20, 2013
      • You’ve single-handedly solved the spam crisis once and for all. Suck it, spammers!

        May 20, 2013
  11. Clark T #

    Solid work Mike, this is one of my favorite posts of yours! By the way, when will I have the pleasure of sharing a Milk Stout with you (or anything by Left Hand, or Breckenridge for that matter)? Hopefully sooner than later.

    May 20, 2013
    • Thanks, brother.
      Soonish? I’ll be in Cleveland June 1st.

      May 20, 2013
  12. Haha haha! Good work! Why didn’t I think of that? I’ve received at least one email like this… Pretty much just ignored it.

    Also, not Charlize Theron? I’ll bet Thief is just as pretty.

    May 22, 2013
    • Maybe I should have just ignored it, Jessica.

      Nope. She never called me back…he is just as pretty. 🙂

      May 27, 2013
  13. The gall indeed. 😀

    I am inspired to play along with all those Nigerian scams as well as those Award spams. And hope I’ll have better luck in the garden than hero Mike.

    You are funny!

    May 23, 2013
    • I hope so as well, ballerina! Garden Mike didn’t fare too well…something about a hose, and a rake!

      May 27, 2013
      • Hi Roam About Mike. I just watched a feature on Discovery channel on …. Japanese toilets! haha. And remembered your earlier post. I couldn’t stop giggling all throughout the show. Yup, your post is really very memorable. Cheers.


        May 28, 2013
        • Hi Jennifer,

          That’s awesome! Maybe someone from Discovery is following me….hmmm.
          Was it a comical piece, or informative (on Discovery)?

          May 28, 2013
          • It was informative but you know – how serious can you be when you’re discussing blow drying the bottom and adjusting the angle of the “stream” so as to … you know… hit the right uhmm “target”. heehee.
            You’ve got to hand it to the people being interviewed. I guess toiletmaking in Japan is serious business. Extremely serious looks while explaining the different “options” for toilets. *lol*

            May 28, 2013
            • Haha – I don’t think I could have kept it so “PC”.
              I’m really considering buying a Japanese toilet, but I have to save up for it!

              June 2, 2013
  14. Ahaha perfect! This was simply awesome, good on ya!

    May 25, 2013
  15. Pretty funny! You told them!
    I got a lot of them for a while and them they stopped. I bet they were all from the same company.
    “No I don’t think a gaming site is something I want to promote…” Pshhh!

    May 26, 2013
    • They probably were all from the same company – Nigeria LLC.

      Pisses me off they sent it to my personal email via the WordPress site, but hey, whatcha goin’ to do.

      May 27, 2013
  16. Non-Flapdoodle-ental #

    Oh my God!!! I think I just died laughing and then came back to life! Found I had peed in my pants due to all-hell-break-loose laughter!! Damn, awesome post!

    May 30, 2013
    • Hey non-flapdoodle-ental,
      glad I could kill you, then resurrect, then make you soil yourself. 🙂
      Thanks for reading. You’re awesome.

      May 31, 2013
  17. You’ve got serious literary skills, Mike.

    May 30, 2013
    • Pishaw – Bill Shakespeare wrote this. I had nothing to do with it.

      May 31, 2013

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