Chinese Proverb: Monkey that throws poo has poo hand.
Act 1, Part 1: Phishing.
In which our hero, Mike, excitedly receives an advertising query for Roam About.
Act 1, Part 2: Swords Drawn.
Forever a cynic, Mike uses sarcasm to smoke out the evil spammers.
Act 2, Part 1: The Incorrigible.
Ne’er the giver-upper, Media Discovery auto-sends an unconvincing response to our hero, piercing his ego through ignorance.
Act 2, Part 2: To the Beach, with Kitties. Where our hero slays the evil spammers with a dragoon of sardonic wit.
Epilogue: Upon receiving the last email, the spammer called the phone number provided, which is actually the direct line to the Westboro Baptist Church. After talking with Fred Phelps for 5 minutes, the evil spammer had a revelation, understanding how annoying his spamming-ways were, vowing to stop and follow his dream of owning a floral shop/winery combo called ‘ValenVines’.
Our hero Mike went on the have a successful career in reverse spamming (the hypocrisy of posting the direct line to WBC is not beyond him). Unable to drive manual cars left-handed, he never made it on ‘Top Gear’, nor did the Cleveland Browns ever win a SuperBowl…in his lifetime.
Mike retired from writing at the age of 32, and perished in a freak gardening accident the following year. He is survived by his beloved Co-habitant, Charlize Theron, Marti, and his cat, Thief.
“Assess My Blog” was not a euphemism.
ROAM ABOUT MIKE 
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
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Thanks for the repost, OyiaBrown!
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Bravo! Better than Pirates of Penzance, I mean, I laughed so hard I wet my pants. Better than Cats. I mean, damn those rat bastards!
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Merci, Merci!
Feel free to throw rotten fruit at this post, Honie.
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You handled this much more creatively than I did. Scam scum sends me into a tiz!
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They cleaned out my bank account, but it was worth it! 🙂
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This is amazing, not only because it involves the greatness that is Left Hand Milk Stout and avenging the heinousness that is the WBC (which is like the best combo platter there is), but also because it involves swords and dragons and the kids really into Game of Thrones these days.
When does ValenVines open? Because I could really use some of that in my life.
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PinotNinja,
I love that you love Left Hand Stout, and verbally abusing the WBC.
Seriously, I want to drink a Left Hand Milk Stout right now! Mmm delicious! *waits to be noticed by Left Hand.
Dragons dragoons, same thing. I am sort of addicted to that show…:)
ValenVines will open next february according to my spammer friend. He (there are no girl spammers) is just waiting to get approval from the bank.
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I’ll remember that Charlize comment.
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I crossed it out!
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This is magic…I love this.
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Thank you, Mr. Mark.
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Ah, wonderful! I hope someone, somewhere, keeps a file of spam phishing Greatest Hits and your responses are archived… thanks for the Friday laugh!
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Thank YOU for the wonderful cups. Love them.
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You and I both referenced Westboro Baptist Church in our posts today. You know what that means, right? You’re hacking into my blog and stealing my material.
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You got me, Jen. This is kind of embarrassing, but I left my favorite hoodie in your blog, I need it back. There may or may not be some needled paraphernalia in the pockets…so, wear gloves.
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Damn, I need to check my spam more often.. maybe I too can get rich quick…
loved your witty (as always) responses..and to think they answered 😉
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This one was a bit more invasive, as they actually sent this to my gmail account. Bastards!
Thanks, Lynne!
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Hilarious. I’ve tried the reverse spamming technique a few times, especially with our friends trying to get the millions out of Nigeria – with no success. They apparently see through my spam the spammer techniques and don’t respond. How do they ever expect to get any fake money if they can’t even respond to an inquiry?
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I know! Why don’t they trust the people they are going to trust with a Nigerian Prince’s inheritance? Crazy spammers
Thanks, Battle
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Beautiful response. Ha.
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I showed them. They’ll never spam anyone ever again.
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You’ve single-handedly solved the spam crisis once and for all. Suck it, spammers!
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Solid work Mike, this is one of my favorite posts of yours! By the way, when will I have the pleasure of sharing a Milk Stout with you (or anything by Left Hand, or Breckenridge for that matter)? Hopefully sooner than later.
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Thanks, brother.
Soonish? I’ll be in Cleveland June 1st.
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Haha haha! Good work! Why didn’t I think of that? I’ve received at least one email like this… Pretty much just ignored it.
Also, not Charlize Theron? I’ll bet Thief is just as pretty.
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Maybe I should have just ignored it, Jessica.
Nope. She never called me back…he is just as pretty. 🙂
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The gall indeed. 😀
I am inspired to play along with all those Nigerian scams as well as those Award spams. And hope I’ll have better luck in the garden than hero Mike.
You are funny!
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I hope so as well, ballerina! Garden Mike didn’t fare too well…something about a hose, and a rake!
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Hi Roam About Mike. I just watched a feature on Discovery channel on …. Japanese toilets! haha. And remembered your earlier post. I couldn’t stop giggling all throughout the show. Yup, your post is really very memorable. Cheers.
Jennifer
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Hi Jennifer,
That’s awesome! Maybe someone from Discovery is following me….hmmm.
Was it a comical piece, or informative (on Discovery)?
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It was informative but you know – how serious can you be when you’re discussing blow drying the bottom and adjusting the angle of the “stream” so as to … you know… hit the right uhmm “target”. heehee.
You’ve got to hand it to the people being interviewed. I guess toiletmaking in Japan is serious business. Extremely serious looks while explaining the different “options” for toilets. *lol*
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Haha – I don’t think I could have kept it so “PC”.
I’m really considering buying a Japanese toilet, but I have to save up for it!
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Ahaha perfect! This was simply awesome, good on ya!
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Thanks very much, lyndzeerae27!
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Pretty funny! You told them!
I got a lot of them for a while and them they stopped. I bet they were all from the same company.
“No I don’t think a gaming site is something I want to promote…” Pshhh!
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They probably were all from the same company – Nigeria LLC.
Pisses me off they sent it to my personal email via the WordPress site, but hey, whatcha goin’ to do.
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Oh my God!!! I think I just died laughing and then came back to life! Found I had peed in my pants due to all-hell-break-loose laughter!! Damn, awesome post!
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Hey non-flapdoodle-ental,
glad I could kill you, then resurrect, then make you soil yourself. 🙂
Thanks for reading. You’re awesome.
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You’ve got serious literary skills, Mike.
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Pishaw – Bill Shakespeare wrote this. I had nothing to do with it.
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