There’s an emptiness, a gaping void where your orange-colored country should be on my WordPress readership stat map.
Views from China: 0
Karate chop to the guts.
Not one single person from mainland China has checked out this blog. A massive well of a 1.4 billion potential readers – twenty-percent of the Earth’s population – has me on ignore. Why, China? Why don’t you love me?
You’ve been atop my travel list for over a decade – I love your culture/history/food. Just last Saturday, I sat in a cozy booth at Helen’s Asian Kitchen here in Columbus, eating delicious xiaolongbao (soup buns), topped with hellish Szechuan peppers washed down with a Tsingtao, yucking it up with my pals Yao Ming and Jackie Chan, listening to Wing sing MJ’s ‘Beat It’, watching John Woo’s ‘FaceOff’ at the bar TV, wearing my Chinese-made Nike Frees and Qing Dynasty Dragon robe, reading my Zodiac:
Monkey – highly intelligent and creative (yes and yes), handsome (do tell), easily distracted (huh?), throws feces (never drinking tequila again), able to influence people….
I thought this latter piece was true, but alas, China, you’re the exception to the rule. Even your brethren Hong Kong, and Macau like me! Macau! Macau! Like a crow calling to you in the night. ReadMe ReadMe!
I googled ‘Why does China Hate Roam About Mike’ and found this picture. An ex-military vagabond giving a thumbs down.
That hurts, The People’s Republic of China. You can ignore me, but do you have to mock?
The second picture, a panda wallowing in pee water.
Very funny, PRoC. I get it, you’d rather roll in a river of urine than read my posts. Fluent in fortune cookie Mandarin, I know the character for ‘Rolling Panda’ also means ‘Shitty Writer’.
Huh? What’s that?! All of WordPress.com is blocked in your country?
So, you hate WORDPRESS and the Freedom to read irrelevant humor/travel blogs. Oh, I knew you didn’t hate me personally!
Sites also blocked per Wikipedia: Amazon Japan, Sony Japan, Twitter, IMDB, HardSexTube (coincidentally, the name of my favorite bar in Columbus), Yahoo, NY Times.com, and Google.
Google? How are people supposed to find stoic pictures of Mao?
Or a panda.
or Mao Panda.
Upon further review, Wikipedia, a.k.a. ‘The Truth’, says WordPress.com is technically no longer blocked in China as of April 2012.
Wikipedia never lies, so here we are again – China: hater of Roam About Mike. It’s almost like you’re going out of your way to NOT come here – like your viewership is being cuckolded by the Chinese government under the guise of protection to block your organic learning experience about trips to Philadelphia, Caffeine detoxification, and mustaches.
Ridiculous! You’re the People’s Republic of China, not some Orwellian Dystopia that limits the amount of children you’re allowed to have. Right?
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all upset. I’m just hurt, and when I’m hurt, I drink box wine, and when I drink box wine, I get animated and flash the elderly.
Frankly, the only thing that can thaw this icy relationship is: 1. I get a visiter, from mainland China, to my website 2. Someone within your travel bureau invites me over as a special Travel Ambassador (and I live through the visit).
Until then, your cold shoulder is a tiger death-strike to the egg roll. – 安