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The Buckeyes, Kielbasa, and Bolt-Action Sniper Rifles

I write from my couch in Columbus, having just finished a five-mile run, wondering why I still have a pooch belly and sudden narcoleptic tendencies.

For the answer, I turn to the last four days in Cleveland with the Roam About Family. The amount of various meats – Ron Swanson approved – with stuffing, potatoes, kielbasa more meats, turkey meats, meaty meats consumed, and my guts shake with guilty approval – providing natural methane boosts for running.

At one point this weekend, I passed out due to a stealthily served Carb-Bomb, which rendered me immobile for two hours, stomach squashing diaphragm into lungs – oxygen deprivation…fighting slee….zzzzzz.

I woke to the tumultuous sounds of Sade blasting from my parents’ speakers. Groggily thinking; “I’m in hell!” I prepared for a ‘Smooth Operator’ eternity, but got distracted mid-hell-panic by this revelation: the Operator, in “Smooth Operator” is not someone who works for a telephone company. Huh.

Anyways, I’ve locked down travel for the rest of 2012, so weekends like the last help get me through the drought – spending time with the fam and just relaxing, celebrating my existence, I reflected upon what I’m thankful for:

Yams and Bruces (Wayne, Campbell, Willis, Etc)

Ugly, Second Grade Earth Science Teacher Sweaters

We want to teach your children!

My wonderfully crazy family and our recreations of the Battle of Bastogne

Roam About Mom’s Cooking

Killbassa Sassage!

Shooting WWII Mosin-Nagant Sniper Rifles

Ready, Aim, Fireski!

My Badass Girlfriend, Marti

Urban Meyer – Congrats on a 12-0 season, Coach!


And finally, the Cleveland Browns’ decennial beating of the Steelers. -Mike

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31 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jason #

    It was a great weekend! Too bad Cavs lost to South Beach sell outs… Would have been complete. Sorry we never met up- if I would have known I could tempt you w kielbasa & other tubed meats…..

    November 27, 2012
    • I’m always tempted by tubed meats….always.

      November 27, 2012
  2. Nathaniel Hahn #

    Hahah…I want some Bruce Wayne Yams! Great post! you can teach my child anytime!

    November 27, 2012
    • Thanks. I may teach her the ‘Die Hard’ way. Is that cool?

      November 27, 2012
  3. Love! How’d you get ahold of my sweaters???

    November 27, 2012
    • Did you by chance donate them to the Volunteers of America in Columbus? 🙂

      November 27, 2012
  4. CBu #

    mmmmm great weekend indeed. How could you have forgotten the god awful pain from aftermath of nonstop Fruit Ninja?! It hurt to even laugh on Monday.

    November 27, 2012
    • I’m still getting over it – the memory of pain is still with me.

      November 27, 2012
  5. Ron Swanson is my favorite. I ran today for 10 minutes…figured I’d better ease into the most loathesome form of exercise a girl could self-impose. Tomorrow I may go for 15. As Ron Swanson says ‘Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing.’

    Sade in hell made me laugh audibly enough that the cat looked up, annoyed.

    November 27, 2012
    • Ron Swanson makes me laugh every time he’s on screen. I want to be him.

      WHOOOOAAAAA! You? Running? Have you faced thyne enemy?

      Here’s my tips for running – never stretch, never eat before running, and never poop in people’s yard. Basically, these rules can be applied to anything in life.

      Hahaha! Thanks, Alisa!

      November 27, 2012
      • I know, right? Desperation is an ugly thing. It’s cheaper than pilates. I just pretend Sade is chasing me with Kenny G at her side and a whole world of motivation opens up. I like to carb up Michael Scott style with a big plate of fettuccine alfredo before my 10 minute runs.

        November 27, 2012
      • Ugh, the image (and sound) of Sade and Kenny G chasing you…the temptation to kick faces would be too great.

        Carb Up! That’s what she said.

        November 27, 2012
  6. I know I liked this post this a.m. but I think I forgot to comment on how much I love the sweaters. Hold onto them because future children may need them for Worst Holiday Sweater at school day. I have a Christmas sweater that was voted the Best Worst Sweater at Lake Oswego High School last year!


    “providing natural methane boosts for running” You are a word crafter, you paint beautiful imagery with your words.

    November 27, 2012
    • Oh my gosh that’s amazing. What did this sweater look like? Was it bedazzled?

      Thank you! I cover fart jokes with bullshit.

      November 27, 2012
  7. love love love the opening line – got me hooked. lovely post

    November 28, 2012
    • Thank you very much, sonicsiesta!

      November 28, 2012
  8. I stole your photo of the canned yams. Never in my life have I seen such a thing.

    November 29, 2012
    • Good – spread the word of Bruce’s Yams!

      November 29, 2012
  9. She is baddass alright. You better not forget her birthday.
    I didn’t see any pooch in that fab sweater you were sporting. I hope you took home a doggy bag. 🙂

    November 29, 2012
    • Oh I value my life too much to forget her b-day.
      The pooch was hidden behind the ‘acorn quadrant’ of the sweater – no doggy bag, we ate everything.
      I should mention I joined a gym this week.

      November 29, 2012
      • I am sure that it was alarming to have a total of 5% body fat after Thanksgiving. It is good that you are taking care of your giant belly before you can’t sit behind a steering wheel. 🙂

        November 29, 2012
      • I’ve been wallowing in my sweatpants since T-day, and could barely fit behind my Civic’s steering wheel. Oh, the humiliation!

        November 29, 2012
  10. Looks like a fun time! Love the posse photo! Great post!

    December 3, 2012
    • Thanks, Red. We were on our way to meet the Clantons.

      December 3, 2012
  11. Ooh! I love kielbasas AND rifles so this is an AWESOME post for me 🙂 I also highly enjoy your beautiful sweaters. Glad to have found you through Le Clown! 🙂

    December 3, 2012
    • And I love Batman – I think we just became new best friends!
      There were so many acorns on the sweater, so many.
      Awesome, thanks so much for the follow – looking forward to checking out some of your Batman posts.

      December 3, 2012
      • YES NEW BEST FRIENDS! Can we get matching friendship bracelets?

        December 26, 2012
  12. free penny press #

    Oh for the love of all holy, please burn the sweater on New Years.. (I spit out my water I was laughing so hard)..

    December 3, 2012
    • Like a fish, I’ve already released the sweater back into the water by donating it to goodwill. SOMEONE will find a happy home for it.

      December 3, 2012
      • free penny press #

        Bless you child.. You have done well 🙂

        December 3, 2012

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